Monday's session... first session at new location.
I walked up from work as quickly as I could so I could stop at FedEx to print off the picture on picture paper. I got to FedEx with 30 mins to spare. I had uploaded the picture to my FedEx account; however, their photo printer wasn’t connected to that storage system. I tried several different ways to get to the picture, I finally found a way and got them printed off with 8 minutes to go before session. I quickly walked the 3 blocks. I thought I had one more block to go for some reason, so I was still focused on walking quickly and with purpose when she called to me. I looked up and the sun was right there in my eyes. I had to take a few more steps to get out of the sun and realize that I was there and it was her. She had been sitting on the stairs.

I walked up to her and she stuck out her hand to shake mine. I shook her hand and held it a moment; I took it in both of mine and melted a little. I thought, “Ok, I am here, you are here, we are here. Ok. Ok, we are here, here we go.” She is real. I let go of her hand and she proceeded to talk about how we were not going to be going in the usually doorway because of the alarm being set and she was unsure how it worked. She walked me around to the back where I would normally be entering. Down the stairs, up the stairs, up more stairs, down stairs. I would have to say, it is a little funky and I was not sure about lighting for winter time. I didn’t see any but I might have just missed them. As we came back around to the side, I mentioned how when I walked by before, I noticed the sign for the people before them and figured that they probably used this side door as their main door. She agreed that was possible. We went in this door and she said how this was going to be one of the offices. It was a small office. The carpet was wet from being shampooed. We went through this room, to the next which will be the waiting room and then across to another room. I commented on how big it was. She said something about it facing the parking spaces and not being sure if that would be distracting so she didn’t take it and someone else wanted it. We came out of this room and back towards what is the back entrance. She showed me the walls that were added to create the 4th office room, the bathroom, what might become a small kitchen area; finally, she took me to what is going to be her office. There was no furniture anywhere except in storage closet and the 2 chairs in her office. It was a little creepy having it be so empty. As we entered her office, she showed me the filing cabinet in the closet. She said that she didn’t know it was there until she went to see how big the closet was and there it was. She said that they might be back to take it out if they realized they left it. She wanted to know what I thought about there being one in the room. I answered that based on where my head was it wouldn’t be a very positive response because of not wanting to have this level of change. I was thinking that it wasn’t the same one and I was thinking that it seemed a bit odd that it was here; a little too covenant. To be honest, I’m not sure how much I believe her. I want to believe her. It just seems too odd.

I asked her if she had a preference in the chairs. She said no. She had said that these were 2 of the chairs that would be waiting room chairs. I went to sit down, sit my backpack down on the floor. She said I could put it up on the hooks by the door. I touched the floor and said it wasn’t too wet. I was thinking that if I put my bag up over there I wouldn’t have access to the stuff inside. I wasn’t sure what I would want out of it. She came back and I sat down in one of the chairs, she came in and sat down too. She then asked about closing the door. It was echoy in the there. I said that I didn’t think it mattered and that I thought we would hear anyone if someone showed up. She agreed.

Ok, so we are here. I asked her if she had checked her old email before sending me the stuff from new EMR. I told her that I send her an email on Saturday. She said how she was able to access her email but didn’t see anything new since Friday. She said that when she tried to access some other systems, she kept getting a message about her password being changed. I brought up the webmail app and she tried to log in with it and it didn’t work. She said she was curious as to what I sent her. I said it was just a request for a reply from her old email account. I explained and showed her how on my iPhone I get notifications of emails and how it would say her name and I would get the first few lines of the email. I said with the new EMR, I just get the notification from them that I have a message and then I have to log into their system to see the message. She asked me if I got both her messages from Sunday. I said I got only one message, then I said that I got the appointment reminder. She asked if I got the message in the comments with the appointment reminder. I said no. (I didn’t even think about asking what she had said in the comments… what did she say, probably a looking forward to seeing me, have good day, type of deal.) She said good to know. I returned to talking about receiving emails from her. I told her that on my walk on Sat I realized that I might not get another email from her and wouldn’t have that notification pop up where I’d see her name on the lock screen of my iPhone. I told her that sometimes I would leave my iPhone locked as long as possible so that would be there for me at just a push of a button. I would check the email on my personal phone so I’d see the whole email. I’d leave the notification on the iPhone. I was embarrassed after I admitted this to her. She smiled. She said that I had her new HIPPA compliant email address and I could email her there. She went on to tell me that when she got a message in the new EMR, she got an email to that email account and all it says is that she has a message and she has to log into the new EMR to see it. So basically, it is the same process for both of us and emailing directly just cuts out the middle “man” so to say. I wasn’t sure if she wanted all communication to be through the new EMR or not. I am glad/was glad to hear that I could email her directly and would be receiving emails back from her. Maybe it won’t look very different.

From here, I pulled out my notebook and handed her the card I got for her. She took it and asked if she should read it/open it right then. I said yes. As she opened the card, she asked me if I made it. I said no. She read the message, smiles. She thanked me. We didn’t talk about it or what it meant or the message. This is what I had written in the card:
Wishing you the best with this new part of your life. May it be full of interest, joy, ….. and fulfillment…. Meaning.
Be busy
and beautiful
and brimming with ten-thousand moving parts…
and possibly “perfectly unhappy”.

Most of this is in reference to: How to be perfectly unhappy - The Oatmeal I had made her a booklet of this comic many many months ago.

Next, I caught her up on my weekend – I told her about my Friday and not being “nice” to my body in the sense of heavy workout, eating high sodium foods, alcohol, and low water. I told her about Saturday being emotionally rough because of being achy. She asked about my tooth. I told her about the gum pulling away from the tooth and how I and switched to softer foods for a few days and tried to eat on just one side of my mouth. I told her it was doing better.

I noticed her new badge and the name of the other company she’ll be work at. We didn’t talk about this. It’s ok that she has this other job. I was curious as to who it was with. I’m glad to know who it is with, just to settle/answer that curiosity.

I pulled up a note I had written. I told her that I had this thought on my walk to work and I read it to her:
I don't want to go. I want to hide. I am not doing well with it at all. It feels wrong, just wrong. I shouldn't be there, I don't belong there. It is not home. It is not safe.

She asked if it was about being in the new space. I said initially that is where I think it was going/coming from but when I added the “It is not home. It is not safe.” For some reason I thought I was talking about Debbie’s house. She asked me to read it again and I did. We talked briefly about old place feeling like home for me for so long. I said that when I was in install tech I got to know the guts of the place, where all the tunnels were, how to get around basically without having to go outside. She said that I got to know it better that most. I said that lots of facilities people know these routes, she said that in terms of total number of employees and such I was in a small percentage and she said how she remembered me taking her through places. I said I missed it, that I still want to go back. She admitted that there was a draw there for me. That W still works there. I said lots of my friends are from there. Yeah, you could say I feel like it is home – not so much the office downtown where I worked most the time but the main campus. Yes, that space feels like home.

We then switched to talking about this in terms of Debbie’s house and how when I was little and I would want to stay the night at her house but would get scared in the middle of the night and have to be brought home. I told T that I thought on my walk to session, how I went there to protect Debbie from her nightmares but I got scared and couldn’t stay, that I was just a kid. I said that I’m not sure if that is a memory, a fantasy, a logically thought, or what… just that it was what came to mind. I said that it made logical sense. It doesn’t feel like it was coming from a logical place.

T wondered if I wasn’t talking about … or somehow connecting the feelings then to now and how a part of me was trying to protect/take care of another part of me. I don’t think I really responded to this concept. I did hear it. I’m not sure if it is accurate, maybe?

We kind of started rambling here a bit. I asked her how she were doing with everything. She said something positive… ok, excited?. She talked about wondering what type of plant to get for the window (one that didn’t need much light) and messing with the blinds to get a place to put up one of the snoopy figurines. She talked about placing the furniture, lamps, desk, printer… arranging the room. What to do with the filing cabinet.

I pulled out the picture of the filing cabinet and gave it to her. She asked if I took the picture with my phone. I said yes. She asked me something, and I said that I can touch it. I said that I will probably redo the printing because the cut off some of the picture to fit their standard print sizes and that I like the full picture better. I showed her the full picture and she talked about the slightly different hues to them.

She asked me what I thought of the space. I looked around and I said I liked the blue wall. I asked if they painted and she said she didn’t think so and we looked at the one wall, no they hadn’t painted. She said that she wouldn’t have time to paint either so the walls will probably be the same.

I said there is no clock, she talked about her watch being not as helpful as it didn’t show the time like it was supposed to when she turned her wrist. I don’t recall if I actually looked at my watch but I knew time was up. I gave her the journal and said that I hadn’t made any changes to it yet. She said she had wondered. I do plan to make changes to it. Not sure yet what I am going to do.

She handed me the picture back. I asked her if she wanted to keep it. I said I made other copies. She said yes, so I gave it back to her.

I packed up my bag and she said that she’d walk me out. As we walked out she said that she’d meet me out front again on Thursday because of not being sure where things are in terms of the alarms and getting all situation. I said to remember that when I first come around the corner, I’ll be blinded by the light. She made a joking comment about this. We got to the door, I said that I was going to go to Zupans to get a drink and eat my salad. She asked up on <street name> and I said no.. and corrected myself to being Trader Joes. I said that if there wasn’t any where to sit then I’d go to the park by <local school>. She asked where that was. I oriented myself and said it was over there. She said the opposite direction from Trader Joes. I was a little confused but yes. That was correct. I said that I had already walked a lot, I looked at my watch and I was already at over 16,000 steps. She said I had her beat, and she looked at her watch and said, 3000 and something. Yep beat. She reached out her hand to shake my hand again. I shook her hand. This time, it was a handshake – solid, but nothing more. I wasn’t expecting that. We said see each other soon, she said something about time going quickly and the reminder that it would be Thursday. I was sad to leave, let down? Sad sometimes seems to strong of a word. Sad that it was over?

As I left, I was glad for the 2nd handshake.