In Session Today : Part III

I would've even been okay with the crying had she not added insult to injury by telling me that she was crying because of her extreme empathy for my pain

Never mind that there's absolutely no contradiction between her so-called extreme empathy and telling me that my anger is aggressive and I'm reaming her out and making her walk on eggshells (which also appears to conveniently be a memory lapse).

At this point I'm beginning to think that the only expressions of emotion that most therapists can tolerate are undying expressions of true lurrrrrrve -- and, my guess is that the only reason they're able to get away with such mediocrity and thin-skinned-ness is because they're well-aware that such behavior is far more common among clients in the market than anything else. Else, sheer economics would've made most of them either get the heck out of the profession or seriously change how they operate.

I may write up yesterday's session with MC later, but what it made me realize/understand is probably more important--or at least more at the forefront of my mind right now. So posting the e-mails I sent him (not expecting a response before tomorrow at earliest, since today is a holiday):
Hi Dr. MC,

Thanks for today's session. I was really stressed about some stuff that we didn't bring up (see below), and just seeing you helped with that. Like, it was comforting just being in your presence, cheesy as that may sound.

It also made me realize something. I'm sorry in advance for bringing up this topic, even though I know you'd say it's OK to bring up anything. But this is about me being upset with you when you'd said you hadn't intended to tell us about your wife's passing. At the time, it hurt, and I didn't understand why you'd keep something like that from us, especially when we had some awareness of what was going on.

But today, there was stuff I didn't bring up in session because of that, because of some stuff you told us about her. I hope it's OK to share it here. Last week, I found out via Facebook that someone I went to college with--someone my age--has stage 3 breast cancer. That upset me and also prompted me to finally schedule a mammogram that my doctor had ordered for me due to some family history because I'm now 40. I had it done Friday and have been a bit of a wreck ever since, fearing that they found something. I also need to schedule a pelvic ultrasound as a sort of ovarian cancer screening, because my mom had it at my age (I've had a couple scans before). That terrifies me even more.

All of this has triggered intense fears of mortality in me, which is in some ways related to the whole future career thing (not so much with the dog) [stuff that came up in session]. And I spent last session with T sobbing about all those fears about myself and my parents (pretty sure that's what was actually going on with my fears that you had some terminal illness...that it was really about my aging parents). Incidentally I've talked about it with H some, and he's been supportive.

And it would have been a topic to bring up today, except...I just didn't feel like I should. I know you said your wife had breast cancer, and I'm pretty sure you said the surgery for that triggered a setback for her. So I didn't want to make you think of that. Or to talk about fears of my own mortality, especially in relation to leaving D.

I'm sure you'll say it would have been fine to bring any of that up. That I shouldn't worry about your feelings or reaction. And that I shouldn't care about you in that way, that's it's just supposed to be you caring about me/us. But you know that I do...

So, anyway, I wanted to let you know that I understand now, why you weren't planning to say anything. Because of stuff like this. I feel bad even about bringing it up here in this e-mail, but I feel kind of like I had to get it out. I hope that's OK.

Could you at least let me know you read this? (And that it was OK to bring it up?)

Thanks (and I'd wish you a Happy 4th, but that seems out of place here),
LT

And (today):
Also, I still feel bad about pressing you on that issue before. You were (are) grieving, and I was making it all about me. and what it meant about the realities of the therapeutic relationship. I should have just explored that with T and left you alone about it. I know you'll probably say it was OK, how therapy is supposed to be about me, not you. But still, I wish I had been more sensitive to what you were going through and not pushed you to deal with my reaction to your loss.

So, I'm really sorry about that. I hope you can accept my apology, even though you probably will say it's not necessary.

Thanks,
LT

Monday's session... first session at new location.
I walked up from work as quickly as I could so I could stop at FedEx to print off the picture on picture paper. I got to FedEx with 30 mins to spare. I had uploaded the picture to my FedEx account; however, their photo printer wasn’t connected to that storage system. I tried several different ways to get to the picture, I finally found a way and got them printed off with 8 minutes to go before session. I quickly walked the 3 blocks. I thought I had one more block to go for some reason, so I was still focused on walking quickly and with purpose when she called to me. I looked up and the sun was right there in my eyes. I had to take a few more steps to get out of the sun and realize that I was there and it was her. She had been sitting on the stairs.

I walked up to her and she stuck out her hand to shake mine. I shook her hand and held it a moment; I took it in both of mine and melted a little. I thought, “Ok, I am here, you are here, we are here. Ok. Ok, we are here, here we go.” She is real. I let go of her hand and she proceeded to talk about how we were not going to be going in the usually doorway because of the alarm being set and she was unsure how it worked. She walked me around to the back where I would normally be entering. Down the stairs, up the stairs, up more stairs, down stairs. I would have to say, it is a little funky and I was not sure about lighting for winter time. I didn’t see any but I might have just missed them. As we came back around to the side, I mentioned how when I walked by before, I noticed the sign for the people before them and figured that they probably used this side door as their main door. She agreed that was possible. We went in this door and she said how this was going to be one of the offices. It was a small office. The carpet was wet from being shampooed. We went through this room, to the next which will be the waiting room and then across to another room. I commented on how big it was. She said something about it facing the parking spaces and not being sure if that would be distracting so she didn’t take it and someone else wanted it. We came out of this room and back towards what is the back entrance. She showed me the walls that were added to create the 4th office room, the bathroom, what might become a small kitchen area; finally, she took me to what is going to be her office. There was no furniture anywhere except in storage closet and the 2 chairs in her office. It was a little creepy having it be so empty. As we entered her office, she showed me the filing cabinet in the closet. She said that she didn’t know it was there until she went to see how big the closet was and there it was. She said that they might be back to take it out if they realized they left it. She wanted to know what I thought about there being one in the room. I answered that based on where my head was it wouldn’t be a very positive response because of not wanting to have this level of change. I was thinking that it wasn’t the same one and I was thinking that it seemed a bit odd that it was here; a little too covenant. To be honest, I’m not sure how much I believe her. I want to believe her. It just seems too odd.

I asked her if she had a preference in the chairs. She said no. She had said that these were 2 of the chairs that would be waiting room chairs. I went to sit down, sit my backpack down on the floor. She said I could put it up on the hooks by the door. I touched the floor and said it wasn’t too wet. I was thinking that if I put my bag up over there I wouldn’t have access to the stuff inside. I wasn’t sure what I would want out of it. She came back and I sat down in one of the chairs, she came in and sat down too. She then asked about closing the door. It was echoy in the there. I said that I didn’t think it mattered and that I thought we would hear anyone if someone showed up. She agreed.

Ok, so we are here. I asked her if she had checked her old email before sending me the stuff from new EMR. I told her that I send her an email on Saturday. She said how she was able to access her email but didn’t see anything new since Friday. She said that when she tried to access some other systems, she kept getting a message about her password being changed. I brought up the webmail app and she tried to log in with it and it didn’t work. She said she was curious as to what I sent her. I said it was just a request for a reply from her old email account. I explained and showed her how on my iPhone I get notifications of emails and how it would say her name and I would get the first few lines of the email. I said with the new EMR, I just get the notification from them that I have a message and then I have to log into their system to see the message. She asked me if I got both her messages from Sunday. I said I got only one message, then I said that I got the appointment reminder. She asked if I got the message in the comments with the appointment reminder. I said no. (I didn’t even think about asking what she had said in the comments… what did she say, probably a looking forward to seeing me, have good day, type of deal.) She said good to know. I returned to talking about receiving emails from her. I told her that on my walk on Sat I realized that I might not get another email from her and wouldn’t have that notification pop up where I’d see her name on the lock screen of my iPhone. I told her that sometimes I would leave my iPhone locked as long as possible so that would be there for me at just a push of a button. I would check the email on my personal phone so I’d see the whole email. I’d leave the notification on the iPhone. I was embarrassed after I admitted this to her. She smiled. She said that I had her new HIPPA compliant email address and I could email her there. She went on to tell me that when she got a message in the new EMR, she got an email to that email account and all it says is that she has a message and she has to log into the new EMR to see it. So basically, it is the same process for both of us and emailing directly just cuts out the middle “man” so to say. I wasn’t sure if she wanted all communication to be through the new EMR or not. I am glad/was glad to hear that I could email her directly and would be receiving emails back from her. Maybe it won’t look very different.

From here, I pulled out my notebook and handed her the card I got for her. She took it and asked if she should read it/open it right then. I said yes. As she opened the card, she asked me if I made it. I said no. She read the message, smiles. She thanked me. We didn’t talk about it or what it meant or the message. This is what I had written in the card:
Wishing you the best with this new part of your life. May it be full of interest, joy, ….. and fulfillment…. Meaning.
Be busy
and beautiful
and brimming with ten-thousand moving parts…
and possibly “perfectly unhappy”.

Most of this is in reference to: How to be perfectly unhappy - The Oatmeal I had made her a booklet of this comic many many months ago.

Next, I caught her up on my weekend – I told her about my Friday and not being “nice” to my body in the sense of heavy workout, eating high sodium foods, alcohol, and low water. I told her about Saturday being emotionally rough because of being achy. She asked about my tooth. I told her about the gum pulling away from the tooth and how I and switched to softer foods for a few days and tried to eat on just one side of my mouth. I told her it was doing better.

I noticed her new badge and the name of the other company she’ll be work at. We didn’t talk about this. It’s ok that she has this other job. I was curious as to who it was with. I’m glad to know who it is with, just to settle/answer that curiosity.

I pulled up a note I had written. I told her that I had this thought on my walk to work and I read it to her:
I don't want to go. I want to hide. I am not doing well with it at all. It feels wrong, just wrong. I shouldn't be there, I don't belong there. It is not home. It is not safe.

She asked if it was about being in the new space. I said initially that is where I think it was going/coming from but when I added the “It is not home. It is not safe.” For some reason I thought I was talking about Debbie’s house. She asked me to read it again and I did. We talked briefly about old place feeling like home for me for so long. I said that when I was in install tech I got to know the guts of the place, where all the tunnels were, how to get around basically without having to go outside. She said that I got to know it better that most. I said that lots of facilities people know these routes, she said that in terms of total number of employees and such I was in a small percentage and she said how she remembered me taking her through places. I said I missed it, that I still want to go back. She admitted that there was a draw there for me. That W still works there. I said lots of my friends are from there. Yeah, you could say I feel like it is home – not so much the office downtown where I worked most the time but the main campus. Yes, that space feels like home.

We then switched to talking about this in terms of Debbie’s house and how when I was little and I would want to stay the night at her house but would get scared in the middle of the night and have to be brought home. I told T that I thought on my walk to session, how I went there to protect Debbie from her nightmares but I got scared and couldn’t stay, that I was just a kid. I said that I’m not sure if that is a memory, a fantasy, a logically thought, or what… just that it was what came to mind. I said that it made logical sense. It doesn’t feel like it was coming from a logical place.

T wondered if I wasn’t talking about … or somehow connecting the feelings then to now and how a part of me was trying to protect/take care of another part of me. I don’t think I really responded to this concept. I did hear it. I’m not sure if it is accurate, maybe?

We kind of started rambling here a bit. I asked her how she were doing with everything. She said something positive… ok, excited?. She talked about wondering what type of plant to get for the window (one that didn’t need much light) and messing with the blinds to get a place to put up one of the snoopy figurines. She talked about placing the furniture, lamps, desk, printer… arranging the room. What to do with the filing cabinet.

I pulled out the picture of the filing cabinet and gave it to her. She asked if I took the picture with my phone. I said yes. She asked me something, and I said that I can touch it. I said that I will probably redo the printing because the cut off some of the picture to fit their standard print sizes and that I like the full picture better. I showed her the full picture and she talked about the slightly different hues to them.

She asked me what I thought of the space. I looked around and I said I liked the blue wall. I asked if they painted and she said she didn’t think so and we looked at the one wall, no they hadn’t painted. She said that she wouldn’t have time to paint either so the walls will probably be the same.

I said there is no clock, she talked about her watch being not as helpful as it didn’t show the time like it was supposed to when she turned her wrist. I don’t recall if I actually looked at my watch but I knew time was up. I gave her the journal and said that I hadn’t made any changes to it yet. She said she had wondered. I do plan to make changes to it. Not sure yet what I am going to do.

She handed me the picture back. I asked her if she wanted to keep it. I said I made other copies. She said yes, so I gave it back to her.

I packed up my bag and she said that she’d walk me out. As we walked out she said that she’d meet me out front again on Thursday because of not being sure where things are in terms of the alarms and getting all situation. I said to remember that when I first come around the corner, I’ll be blinded by the light. She made a joking comment about this. We got to the door, I said that I was going to go to Zupans to get a drink and eat my salad. She asked up on <street name> and I said no.. and corrected myself to being Trader Joes. I said that if there wasn’t any where to sit then I’d go to the park by <local school>. She asked where that was. I oriented myself and said it was over there. She said the opposite direction from Trader Joes. I was a little confused but yes. That was correct. I said that I had already walked a lot, I looked at my watch and I was already at over 16,000 steps. She said I had her beat, and she looked at her watch and said, 3000 and something. Yep beat. She reached out her hand to shake my hand again. I shook her hand. This time, it was a handshake – solid, but nothing more. I wasn’t expecting that. We said see each other soon, she said something about time going quickly and the reminder that it would be Thursday. I was sad to leave, let down? Sad sometimes seems to strong of a word. Sad that it was over?

As I left, I was glad for the 2nd handshake.

Sorry for mistakes I'm dying and forgot how to English
You don't have to read it

We talked about different stuff...
At the end I said:
- I was thinking about good things of this reality. At first, it's drugs. I mean...I have never tried anything, not because I'm responsible or anything, but because I don't know any place where to buy drugs. And the second thing is..love. But I'm not a bird, so I can't fly.
- Do you mean you can't love?
- I think I can...Unfortunately. Well...mhgm... I love you. I don't mean in romantic way. You can think it's just a transference, but my feelings are my feelings. I should have said that earlier, but I was extremely nervous, because I have never said these words - I love you - to anyone before.
- I hear you. I can't say "love", because this word has different meaning to me. But I like you, I enjoy talking with you and I feel attachment to you. If you..., I would miss you. And I think you're unique. Maybe that means "love"... I think we should hug!

And we hugged

Omg I'm shaking and can't breathe

That was an anti-climax of a session. I talked a bit to R about how the last week has been really hard for me, in terms of keeping the ‘box’ shut and only being able to be authentic with a few people.

‘I get the sense that authenticity is really important for you at the moment.’
‘Yes.’
‘You can be authentic with yourself, even if you can’t be authentic with everyone around you.’
‘Maybe being authentic with myself involves accepting the reality of those 2 or 3am moments.’

Then I mentioned that I had written a poem a couple of weeks ago ‘that explains the post-session experience a little better.’ (Hangover) I attempted to read the piece aloud, but had to stop due to being hit by a wave of emotion as I read the words ‘My life is more than this.’

R asked me whether the sensation I was experiencing was physical or emotional. I am pleased that I recognised it as emotional rather than physical. I eventually said to R that I did not think I would be able to finish reading the piece and handed her the paper. She asked whether I wanted her to read it aloud or to herself, and I said it would be better if she read it to herself.

She understood why I was unable to finish reading the piece, but said that it is powerful.
'When you had that break there, it seemed as though you were realising...'This is my life.'' ( )
I then started to say ‘September 2007...’ and intended to go from there. ‘We...’ ‘We...’ ‘We...’
‘So many times I have tried to bring this out into the open with people who should have known what they were doing, and I just ended up feeling unsafe.’

‘Your tone changed when you said that. I sense some anger at not feeling heard?’
R and I agreed that whilst it would not be possible to create an absolutely safe environment, the environment in which we meet is safe enough. ‘I am safe. And yet I am still scared.’

R offered that given the nature of what I have experienced, perhaps there will always be some fear there, but perhaps we can start to talk about the things so that I don’t have such a difficult time with them at three in the morning?

‘We nearly lost her three times in the back of the ambulance is the tip of the iceberg.’
‘OK.’
R sensed that my aim is to bring the stuff that bothers me at two or three in the morning into the session and talk it through. I was able to tell her that I need to talk about the details to get them out and I don’t know what will happen when I do.

‘When I cross that barrier, the floor falls away and I have nothing left to stand on.’

Next week we are going to talk more about September 2007.

I emailed him. I said that I didn't have the right words but would like some kind of response, maybe that things will be okay.

He responded with a few sentences saying that I'd done this before, this is all just an episode, we'll get through it, and it will pass.

I feel like things are crazy. I'm looking forward to my session next week.

I don't think I can ever go back to see my T

omg what happened?

She was proud of me for wearing short sleeves and dressing for the hot weather.
We talked about how upsetting my fathers text to me was (betraying my mother etc - when he ran away to divorce her because he was scared of her - yet I have to still be there....)?
Discussed how I freaked out over leaving something non-clinical in my text and she said it was okay, that I didn't need to censor so much. Things were fine and she wasn't upset, nor was she going to send me away. She loved me and looks forward to when I come. Which we all know that now she's going to be all distant because that's what we do. Close, away, close, away.

Had MC today, but putting that in separate post. I did end up sending him a couple other e-mails last week when he didn't respond to those, ending with one saying I was sorry for bringing up the personal stuff, that he didn't need to respond to any of that, and to please just let me know he'd read the e-mail. He sent the following Saturday night in response:

"LT, thanks for the note. Yes, that is exactly one reason why I try not to divulge too much about myself because I do not want that information to influence what my clients will or will not talk about. It can't help but bring considerations about my feelings into the mix.

It is always ok for you to bring something up in session. If it is affecting you, then it is important and genuine and therefore ok to bring up. Bringing something up will not lead to me, [T] or [H] leaving you. See you Monday."

His response made me cry, in a good way. He's good at knowing what I need to hear (and I told him that)...

Good session today. I was feeling very teenage. Late teenage - flirtatious, mischievous, stubborn, silly. Brave. She's never been very present in my sessions, it's usually the infuriating, painfully self-conscious twelve-year-old who can't express herself. T noticed, for sure. He asked me how old I was at one point.

A conversation:

T: What is it that you're afraid might happen if you fully express your feelings to me?
Luc: I'm afraid that you might... literally run away.
T: I can't run away! This is my room!
Luc: Okay, okay... throw me out then.
T: I'm not gonna throw you out. The only reason I'd throw you out would be... if you were physically violent towards me... or towards objects in the room.
Luc: You should be careful what you say. I don't believe you.
T: Why?
Luc: There are definitely other potential reasons to throw me out. I can think of one in particular.
T: No, I don't think there are.
Luc: There are.
T: Okay, so tell me what other reason you're thinking of...?

(A fairly lengthy awkward pause... at this point, my heart started beating like a dragonfly trapped in a coke can...)

Luc: I don't know if I can say it.
T: Okay, well, you don't have to. It seems like you want me to know, though? And I am pretty interested to know now.
Luc: Although I feel extremely anxious about it, I do want to tell you. My reasons being - firstly, that I want to challenge myself. I want to say what I find hard to say. Secondly, I want to prove you wrong. (said with a smirk)
T: (amused) I bet that's hard to resist...
Luc: It is!

(Another pause...)

Luc: So, there are other ways that I could violate your boundaries, beyond trying to hurt you.
T: Yes. Like...?
Luc: Ohhh, come onnn! I feel like I've made myself fairly clear...!
T: Fairly clear?! I don't know about that. Go on...
Luc: Okay. Okay. I could be physically affectionate with you.
T: ...I wouldn't throw you out for that. I'd just ask you to stop.
Luc: What if I wouldn't stop? What would you do then? You'd have to throw me out!
T: Okay, but I'd be worried about the shame you might feel if I did that.
Luc: But you'd still have to...
T: Yeah, okay. I guess I would. How do you feel about having shared that with me, despite your anxiety?
Luc: (smiling) It feels... good. I feel pleased that I proved you wrong.

(I did also then make it clear that I am 100% never going to physically attack him, affectionately or otherwise... he said he knew that I wouldn't.)

Warning: LONG

MC today. We were talking with a friend we knew in waiting room when MC came out. As H was walking back, MC stepped back in the hallway and shook his hand, which he hadn't been doing since we moved to the new office (leading to me wondering why the change happened and worrying, then being sad about it when MC explained it's because the door shuts on its own, and he'd have to block the hallway to shake hands. So he didn't anymore.) He held out his hand to me, too, and it was nice to shake hands at the start again, because, as I'd explained to him before, it helped ground and calm me.

Sat and made some small talk about how we were doing. Then MC was like, pointing to me, "We exchanged some e-mails over the past week," and I was like, "I'm sorry about all those." To which MC sort of smiled and shook his head in a way that conveyed it was OK, that it didn't bother him.

I said I ended up sending so many because when I didn't hear back, I started rethinking what I said and feeling like maybe I shouldn't have talked about the stuff with his wife. I said for some reason I just felt like I had to tell him I understood now why he wasn't going to tell us. He said it was OK. I said I was sorry for not understanding then, and he said he wouldn't have expected me to. That he learned back in grad school why you shouldn't share things like that with clients and what the repercussions can be. I said I should have just accepted it when he explained why though, but he said he was learning it from the other side, while I was a "normal person" (I was like, "If you say so!") or "a civilian," so he wouldn't expect me to understand. That made me feel better.

I said I appreciated his response to the e-mails and noted that I'd shown them all to H. (H commented how I always show them to him when we're out at a bar and was kinda joking about it.) I said how two things in MC's response especially struck me. The thing about how stuff I bring up isn't going to lead to him, or T, or H leaving me. But that was obvious because it tied into my abandonment issues. The other part was about how he said if something was affecting me, then it was important. I said maybe this struck me because sometimes as a kid, I didn't feel like it was OK to bring up things that were affecting me. Like anxieties. That they might just get dismissed. Or even now with H, if I say too many times that I'm stressed or anxious, he might be like, "Ugh, there she is being anxious again."

H said he wouldn't be like that. I said how at one point, he said I kept saying how I was stressed, like I always was. And H said that was true. MC compared it to his college roommate, where anytime he asked him how he was doing, he'd say he was worried about chemistry. So after a while, it wasn't like, "How are you doing?" but "How's chemistry?" I said I didn't want to seem like I was crying wolf. I forget what was said after that.

MC said he was mainly bringing the e-mails up because I implied at the end that I had a bunch more stuff to bring up today. I said I realized after I sent it that it probably sounded that way. That it wasn't really that much stuff. It was really just about the comment I'd tossed out at the end of last session, when MC had made some joke about us not getting too excited about next time we see him, and I replied, "Well, I always assume you'll cancel, so..." and he said, "I might be 5 minutes late, but I won't cancel." Today I said I was sorry for tossing that out there like that, and he said, "Oh I figured you were just ribbing me, like I was joking, so you were joking back." H seemed to agree. I was like, "Well, the thing is, I feel bad about saying this, but I wasn't really joking. It is still something that I worry about for every appointment." I started crying as I said that.

MC looked a bit stricken and said, "Well, yes, I did have to cancel a lot at one point, and I'm sorry about that." I said, "I know you had very good reason to cancel, and I'm sorry for bringing it up." He said it was OK. I said, "And it's been a while since you've canceled--aside from one last-minute time change recently. I feel like I should be over that by now."

He said he wanted to make sure we weren't putting too much focus on me and then asked if it was OK if he said one thing. I thought he was asking H, but he was actually asking me. I said yes. He said that I was doing the "should" thing. The "I should be over it by now." I said I knew, that I do that (we've discussed in there before). He said he understood if it still bothered me, that there's no set timeline.

I said how I do the "should" thing in other parts of life, how it affects our marriage too. MC said I helped him out there, by bringing it back to the marriage. Talked about "shoulds" like doing the dishes while H was out, getting other things done. How I"ll apologize to H for just getting the dishes done when he's home. H said it didn't matter, that they were done. I said but the times I didn't do things he wanted me to around the house, that he got upset before if I said I'd do something but didn't do it. H said it was when I said I'd do something, but didn't do it. I said, well, what if I said I'd do the dishes? He said if I had some reason why I didn't do them, was OK.

Switched to topic of medical tests. I said how I'd gotten the mammogram results and everything was OK. MC said that was good. I thanked him and said the one I was really worried about was tomorrow, because it's basically to screen for ovarian cancer, which my mom had at my age. Then I was talking really fast and crying about my fears related to that. MC and H just listened. I talked about how I'd always had health anxiety, like my mom had to hide a family medical guide with diagnostic stuff in it from me as a kid.

Then I said how I wondered if maybe part of why I'd e-mailed him last week was to have something to be anxious about instead of the tests. Because I assumed he'd write back, so it was something "safe" to worry about. He said it was possible. But then I said I didn't want him to think that every time I e-mailed him, it was to avoid something else. He was like, "But this is cancer. This is a big thing that people worry about." I said how H had said something similar, which I found to be supportive and validating. Though he also said "It will be OK," and I said that isn't helpful when you have anxiety, because he doesn't really know it will be OK.

We switched to topic of anxiety in general. MC has disclosed before that he also has an anxiety disorder. He said today how it sounds like I have to come up with an explanation for when I'm feeling anxious. I said it seemed that way as a kid. And how even now, I often will (I turned to H)--it's like I have to come up with reasons why I'm anxious or stressed. So I'll just keep throwing things out there like, maybe it's x...or maybe y. How about z? MC said that he's learned that sometimes it's like in a car, where a warning light is coming on not because something is actually wrong, but because of faulty wiring. I said, "Like the Check Engine light is on because of a faulty sensor?" He said yes. I said how maybe I just had to accept that the anxiety is there for no reason then. He agreed, saying how that helped him, knowing that maybe he's just anxious because he's anxious.

We ended session joking about him using mechanic's tools to fix things. And I said I wished he could just plug in that thing that they use to diagnose the check engine light and figure out what's wrong.

He confirmed for next Monday, then did the usual handshake "It was good to see you" to each of us. I said that back and sorta mumbled "thanks" at the end.

Last thursday's session:
I came up to the building and T was not there. It was about 15 mins to the hour. I was debating what to do, there was lots of cars and seemed busy. I think I had decided to walk on up to Everett and around a bit when she came along and got my attention. She offered for me to come in and cool of in the air. I said sure. I followed her around as we figured out the doors. Front door open so she thought alarm would be off. We went around to the back. The back door would not open. We came back to the side and in. This side office still had no furniture. She went to show me how the back-door entrance would work. She stopped at the stairs. She wondered about the alarm. I looked at the keypad that was on the wall and said that one was turned off. She asked one of her office mates about the alarm. He was in one of the offices putting together furniture and in general setting up his office. He explained the system. As I stood there, I wondered what he thought of me. I felt pathetic that I couldn’t wait a week before seeing her so that they would have time to get their stuff all set up. She showed me the door and path I should take. I showed she the note that said keep door locked. That could be a problem. We went back downstairs and I went back to the waiting room. She asked me if there was furniture in when I was in on Monday and I said no, just the 2 chairs in her office and the stuff left in the closet. I stayed in the waiting area and she went back to her office. I got my notebook out and checked my phone. I had a PM here on PC. I read the message and was about to reply when T came back out. She offered for us to start earlier and said that it kind of felt artificial to wait. I said that it is if she didn't have anything to do but if she do, then I can wait. We walked back to her office. She had some stuff on the wall, a folding table for her desk, 2 chairs along the East wall, with an end table between them, and some pillows on the floor in the corner. There was a pillow in one chair, she told me to sit where every, whichever chair I wanted

We talked about the paperwork she needed me to sign. She said it was just the HIPPA paperwork of the medical association webpage. She talked a little about what it was and offered to allow me to read it. I'm like yeah, yeah... ok it is just the HIPPA stuff right, no office policies??, Ok, I signed the paperwork and tucked my copy inside my notebook. I said something about it’s official, she’s my doc again.

I said I got her a present. I reached into my bag and pulled out a box of the tissue I had bought on my way there. She didn’t have any on Monday. We talked/laughed about the tissue and she said that she had thought about it today and had lots of toilet paper as back up. She asked if we should open it up. I said yes. Lately, I’ve been doing a fair amount of crying so yeah, might as well get it ready. She opened it and put it on the table. There she goes all official, I signed the paperwork and she have tissue out – ready for business.

I asked she how she was doing with everything. She said good, one thing at a time. She seemed good. I don't recall if she asked or if I just offered that I was ok. I was doing ok. I looked at my list of things and paused. I didn't want to talk about anything on there. She asked me how Wednesday went. I told she about starting my period. We joked/talked about the joys of periods. I said that I am still biologically female... for now, and she said yes a few months. It's gross and annoying but other than that, it doesn't cause me any gender issues. We wondered if this had anything to do with my weekend, the achiness, and low energy. Yeah, probably.

From here, she asked about the email on Wednesday. I said yeah, I had some stuff highlighted to talk about regarding that. And I paused. I still didn't want to read the highlighted stuff. Needed, useful things to talk about it. I pulled out the journal and found my spot. I said that it really started Tuesday night.

We talked about the word OK and what it can mean to me at certain times. I read to her parts of the private side journal regarding what Ok means... [on the phone call before her vacation, I was struggling and we had been talking for about 15-20 mins when I blurted out that I loved her. Her response was ‘Ok’. That is what shut me down and caused me to feel like none of this was ok, feelings, sharing, being the little boy]
Ok means you are not listening, Ok means you don't care, Ok means whatever. Ok means leave you alone. Ok means I am dismissed. I then read part of the public part of the journal... where I told wife that I think some of the times when I have issues when she tells me OK it is because I am feeling dismissed. She said that some of the time I am being dismissed and that I am probably so in tune that I can tell the difference. I asked T if her OK meant I was being dismissed? It felt like it. [that she was done talking and wanted me off the phone, maybe because she thought a was ramping up in an emotional state rather than calming down, I don’t know]

I looked up at her and she said no, her nonverbal (empathy?) was congruent with the no. Congruent seems like such a void of emotion word. There was lots of emotions in her eyes as she said no – she meant no. I don’t know what she was feeling. I took it as genuine response of caring and… maybe sorrow that I had felt dismissed.

We talked about this for a while, about the phone call, about the OK about the parts. She was concerned about the fact that she says ok a lot. I tried to explain that it's not just the word but the context and the nonverbal elements. She said that we weren't in person so we were missing that. I said yeah. However, there is still rate, pitch, volume... and such. I went on to use the example of something little like trying to decide what to have for dinner and how the discussion can go back and forth for a bit and then someone can say OK. She said and stopping the conversation. And maybe I wanted to have more discussion because it seemed like maybe it wasn't ok. I said yes.

I read the rest of the public journal portion:
I told her that I didn't like where the thoughts were going so I stopped. I didn't stop thinking them, I stopped writing them/typing them and I went to bed, I cried myself to sleep. I told her that wife had already gone to bed. She said something about breaking the pattern (she used a different word here). I wasn’t so sure I broke the pattern as much as I just didn’t want it to ramp up to a full negative state and it was late so I was able to go to bed and cry myself to sleep.

We talked more about the phone call and the parts. I said that as I had written, I was talking through the parts. I didn’t talk about the older boy but I did talk about the younger girl. I recalled T saying that she wouldn't offer anything she wouldn't give, that was what the younger girl needed to hear. She doesn’t like to be in the way, prefers to be invisible and feels guilty whenever anything is given to her. I kind of drifted off here. I didn’t want to say what was on my mind so I faded a bit. I was thinking about the little boy’s, “I love you” and how it just piped up and out, like a little kid interrupting the others talking. I don’t remember what I was talking about during this time.

At one point, she said that the little boy needed to hear "I know". I said yes. T can't say it back to me, she can say she care about me, she like me(?). I think "I know" is better most the time. I know it seems like an odd preferred response. It is an honest response, it ... hmmm don't know how to describe why it works for me. Maybe because it feels like she knows it regardless if I am saying it, that she feels it and accept it. Does she accept it as real or is she just patiently waiting for this phase/stage to pass?

We talked about the Wednesday email. She asked me what it was like. I think I smiled, I pulled out my work phone, I brought up the notifications and cleared all the extra ones leaving just hers. I showed it to her. She was surprised how much I get to see just on the notification screen. I told her that as long as I don't unlock the phone, it will stay there for a few days. Oddly, I wasn't embarrassed in the moment of sharing with her about it. A bit more embarrassed now .. typing this up. I felt “happy” when she asked about the email about thinking about the email. The good feeling I get when I see her name, a connection? Not sure how to explain it which is why I showed her it and tried to show her how I felt through my expressions.

I read more from the private part of the OK entry. I read the first line. "He told us to talk to you and you Ok'd us." Then the last lines, "Now he says don't talk to you. We aren’t not ready to talk about this." I chuckled because I was talking about it. Between those 2 lines is/was the list of what Ok means.

At some point she said she is here. Maybe that was when I was fading. Not sure why she said it or when.

At another point, I was staring at the table, the paint splatter design and then I looked up towards the window, not much to see there and not a good angle for me. I made comment about being used to looking out the windows behind she and that there wasn’t much here to look at but the table. I don’t like the way we sat today. I’m hoping her couch will be in on Monday and we can try that.

I read to her from the journal, I told she that I remembered sharing with her the field trip, saying goodbye to the room/fort/floor space, and showing her how I calmed down. She was confused on this last one so I described which session, about how I was upset because she had not responded to the email at all and I had needed a minute. She remembered. I said I couldn't share it with her. I couldn’t let she see me do those things. Talked about what it would have been like if things would have been better between us. She asked me what I envisioned that would have been like. I said that it would have been interactive. Not therapized, but interactive. Talking about it together. She asked, like about shots and angles and such. I said yes. I said that I wrote about what I did during that time, how I spent it. She asked me what it was like to be in the corner. I paused, sighed, paused, how to describe what it was like… finally I said it was a hug. She said I had been waiting a long time for that hug. I said yes. I said that I sat there much longer than I thought I would. I could have sat there for longer, I wanted to but I also wanted to touch the filing cabinet and say goodbye to it. I didn’t really get that, because she knocked on the door and the crates took too much time to wiggle back into the corner. I’m sure she would have waited but I felt self-conscious about the time and the gift she gave me. I did a quick touch of it and then opened the door for her.

I looked at my watch and it was 35 after the hour. I said that I didn't look at my watch to see what time we started so I don't know when time is up. She said that she didn't look either and that we could go to usual ending time.

I pulled out the other highlighted portion of the journal and handed it to her to read.
She paused while she was reading it and read out loud the "allowing myself to feel them" statement. She said that was a powerful statement.

I talked about how hard, weird it is to feel so unable to take of myself. I started talking about the little boy and not being able to relax and be him around she. That I came in here and didn’t act like I felt but stayed the adult. She said that maybe it isn’t about behaving like a 4 yr old but bringing those qualities to the adult (something like that). I said some stuff, not sure what then I said that it is hard to describe – meaning where I am right now in my head. I used the blender analogy and the parts. Still seemed like I wasn't doing a good job of explaining it.

I asked she if she had ever been through this process. She clarified my question. She paused at answering, I said she didn't have to answer. She said she would rather not at this time. She asked me what I thought, if I thought she had. I said that I didn't know. That part of me wanted to know because it is so hard to describe what is going on inside and I might feel like it was easier if she had been through something similar. I continued by saying that people go to therapy for many different reasons and have different needs within their therapy. So, even if she had got through something short or long, that doesn't mean that she would have experienced things the way I have, and so on. She said that it is nuanced. She said it made sense, my curiosity about it.

Our time was up and she remembered about Thursday the 13th. We talked about the 13th and set the time for 12:45pm. We talked about bringing food into session and if she were open to that, what would she want… and such. She said that she would accept a small amount of milkshake. I confirmed with she that the flavor would be ok. I told she that I wanted to celebrate my B-day with she, that I didn’t know how to tell wife this. She smiled (open, warmly) and said she’d be honored to celebrate my B-day. [B-day’s are not good memory days and I prefer to not have a big thing happen for my B-day]

That was a fun read, lol

You are braver than me, I could never say anything like that to my T. I am glad he handled it well though, he seems awesome.

Monday's session..

I got to the building and T was not out front. There were no cars in the parking lot. I was 15 mins early so I headed around back unsure if the door was going to be open. I opened the door slowly and T was coming up the hallway with a broom. She said that she wanted to go sweep the stairs/walkway. I pointed to the door where the sign to keep the door locked used to be and how it was now gone. She said that how earlier she had gone up to the store and in the time, she was gone, the door got locked so she had removed the sign. I went on down and used the restroom, then went into the waiting room. I checked my phone and started reading my journal.

I waited, I’m not sure if we waited all the way to the start time or if T came out early. T’s office mate came out 2 times looking for someone. It was kind of interesting having him come out and look around. I was thinking you guys need little camera’s or lights or something but then thought that would be kind of freaky at the same time.

T came out and got me and we headed back. I got into her office and she had more stuff. As I entered, T said to sit anywhere I wanted. The room is coming together. Three bookcases against one wall and a couch, and an area rug. T had moved the little table too. I sat my bag on the couch, placed my water on the floor and sat on the couch. I sat there a moment and I said that I was checking out the space. Really I was trying to get a feeling for the space and to calm myself. Did I seem stressed? I wonder if I don’t always show the level of hmm, anxiety/discomfort I am feeling internally. T had moved the filing cabinet out of the closet and put it by the door. It is not close enough to lean against and wouldn’t work from the couch anyway.

I sat for a moment, looking around and trying to decide what I was going to do today. How I was going to be, how I was going to tackle the topics. I stood up and moved my bag to the floor and sat down on the floor and pulled my knees to my chest. T said something, I don’t remember. She asked me if I wanted her on the floor. It did feel weird to have her sit up in the chair, she was so far up there. I didn’t like it but I didn’t know if I wanted her on the floor too. Things too messed up in my head. She reassured me that either was ok. I said that I would prefer her to sit on the floor too. This was more because of not liking her in the chair than wanting her on the floor. I was scared about the day.

Something was said about only 4 days between sessions. I said that I wrote something on Friday about it always being 72 hours at this point so what is really different… without the AVS. She nodded in understanding. I should have added something about having found them valuable. No promises to do anything about it, just acknowledgement that it is a change with the move. I said once that they were something T gave me without me initiating contact. They felt like something just from her. Maybe that was never a good thing to have, not appropriate for this relationship and she was able to use the move as a way to reset that expectation. It feels like I am having distorted thoughts/feelings around this; making it out to being something it is not. I don’t know, They’re gone and she didn’t say anything about it, she blank slated it and that didn’t feel good in this situation because it allows my mind to fill in the gaps with whatever reasons it can come up with. In this case, she is glad to have a way to get out of them without being the one to stop them, natural consequences.

<something here, don’t remember>
Then I pulled out the journal and started talking about stuff in a general way. Then I got that embarrassment smile and told myself to just read it. She was being patient, smiling.

I stopped and went silent. T said something that I don’t remember. I said I was fighting myself over the rules. I felt distant. I was looking at nothing. Sometimes I would look at T. At one point, T looked pained, I think that was when I said I was fighting myself over the rules. Me and my rules. Maybe she was reflecting how I was looking/feeling. T asked me what that was like. I sat there. Then I pulled out the book. I said something about bringing the book.

I held it tightly in my hands. She asked if I wanted to read it, if I wanted her to read it. I said I don’t know. I said not supposed to bring it, not supposed to share. I sat there holding it tightly, rubbing my thumb over it. I said I break rules I be bad. Distant, tears in eyes but not falling. She asked my rules or other people’s rules. I said either or. I sat there holding the book, looking at the cover, touching it. After a bit of time she said but I brought it and I took it out of my bag. She asked me something wondering what it was about. I said I read it lots of times, I know what it is about. I said only one page really matters to me and I flipped to the page. I still had the book in my hands so she could not see it. I looked at the page, more tears in eyes. I wanted to hear the words, I wanted her to say the words. She asked me when I first read it. I said months ago, that I’ve had it for like 3 months. She said so in the spring. Yeah I had it before her vacation. She asked me what it is like to read it. I said I read it at work. I said that all the books are in a drawer at work. She asked me what it is like to read it at work. I said no one is there…. I’m not answering her questions. Do you get that I don’t feel safe reading it when other people are around, that I don’t feel safe having them at home? No one is there, I can read the books, I can trace the pictures and the letters. I can touch them and no one will laugh at me. Some other stuff was said, I don’t remember.

Finally, I sat the book on the floor between us, I opened it to the beginning and turned it facing T. T moved closer and turned in a way that she was leaning/laying on the floor. It felt good. I told her the story based on the pictures and from reading the story before. It was like when a little kid that doesn’t know how to read has had a picture book read to them so many times they know the story or the general story and tell you the story as if they are reading it. We got to the page of Expectations for the class and I read those rules/expectations. Then we got to the page of Expectations for Ms. Mya and I stopped telling the story, I stopped reading. T read the page silently to herself. She asked if this was the page and I said yes.



T asked if I wanted her to read them, I shook my head and said no/I don’t know/not now. I kept staring at the first like. Believe in you.. no one believes in me… believed in me. No one told me they believed in me. I want so badly for T (for mommy, for my mom) to say the words. I want to hear them. I’m not sure I would hear them. Something was said, I think T asked if I thought she felt/thought those things. I said yes, that I think she feels them.

More things are said, I’m responding... I don’t like what she is saying, I shake my head, I don’t remember what she said. She was wrong whatever it was, I didn’t want it and I wanted her to stop talking about it. She paused in midsentence and waited. After a moment, I said that there was anger too. I said I don’t know what about but I wanted to pull the book back and rip the pages up and shove it in my bag or throw it against the wall. I think I said this might have only thought it… that if she said that line… “Believe in you” I wouldn’t believe her. I actually could see myself putting my fingers in my ears stomping about saying I don’t hear you. (I didn’t tell her that). It would be a lie. She said something about tearing the letters apart.

I asked T why did I need to hear the words. She talked about different types of learning/knowing – different ways things are written on your soul/heart. I said that I need to hear it lots of times. She said/I said?.. maybe that I didn’t hear it before. Sympathy/empathy from her. She agreed with me hearing it over and over again. She was sitting close to me .. I felt close to her. I thought that I wanted her to write up her own list, what would be her list for me. I thought “make it yours so I could believe it”… so that it wouldn’t be as mixed up in the transference, maybe I could believe it if it was her words?

Slight pause and I said something like I’m afraid of Thursday. T was puzzled and said something about what I had read about the previous Thursday. I said no the upcoming Thursday. I said I was afraid that I would take something wrong and taint the memory. This kind of clicked for T. She said some stuff/asked some questions and I said yes, I felt she understood. She said doing it wasn’t worth the risk of it being a bad memory, I said yes. I felt good/heard/understood. T sighed, I think in relief. She seemed “happy” to get it, maybe happy isn’t the right word… things lightened … She asked me what do we do? Big smile, change in tone, change in energy of the room. I said I didn’t know. She said she didn’t know. But I felt things ease. It felt conspiratorial. Some things were said I don’t remember exactly what was said, we were still trying to figure out what we do, when all of a sudden I reached in my bag and pulled out the exclamation mark book and handed it to T. I said read it (did I say please?). There didn’t seem to be actual thought about this. It was out of the bag and in her hands before I kind of realized what I was doing. She seemed happy to read it to me again. We laughed and giggled through it. T seemed to enjoy reading it to me. This is like the 4th time I’ve had her read it to me.

T sat the book down and I opened up my bag and pulled out the dinosaur shirt (https://www.target.com/p/boys-dino-p...y/-/A-50912697). I told her that this was the shirt I told her about long ago. I said that I still needed to lose weight to fit into it or the surgery. She said I’d get there. She loved it and we talked about the shirt touched it. I sat it aside and pulled out the blanket. I had put the blanket in a plastic zipper bag (from a set of sheets). I opened the zipper and pulled out the blanket. I told her that this is what I had bought on Saturday at the garage sale. I opened up the blanket. She asked if she could touch it, I said yes. We sat there with it between us, touch it. I said soft, she said soft? She asked me what it was like when I saw it. I said want – desire? I wanted it. It was just right inside. I said the moon and stars, and I touched them. I thought blue and green. She commented on the yellow backing and about it being homemade. She asked me if I had a blanket, I said I didn’t know. I said I had that sleeping bag from age 5-10 or so.

Our time was almost up and I started to fold it away. I commented about it being in the bag to keep it safe/protected (did you catch that was an older boy’s action). I said that it didn’t come with the plastic bag, I did that. T asked me what I was going to do with it (or something like that) I said that I would take it to work. She said something about it being safe there. I said yes. She commented on me finding a bag that worked so well. I said that we’d just bought a new bed and bedding. It was just luck that we had them; a couple different sizes. She commented about me folding it up to just fit the bag. I said that I figured it out at home (on second try). I folded it the same way. Perfections.

As I was packing up, we got to the Roar book. It was still open on the floor to the Expectations for Ms. Mya page. I asked her something like if they fit? She said that she didn’t know about the teach one. I asked her if she didn’t think she taught me stuff. She said not so much like in the book but that we more discover together. I asked her if there was anything she would add to them, what would be her list? She looked at the list and said that is a good question for her. She asked me what would I add, and I asked for me to say to me or for her to say to me. She said either. I looked at the list and thought for a moment, then said it was a pretty good list. She agreed.

I finished packing up, I gave her the journal sheets, we did small talk about Thursday. There was stuff in the way of the back door so she walked me out the side door. We wished each other well, I thanked her. I kind of stood there unsure about what to do. I was feeling close to her, feeling good. It was a hug moment for me. We don’t hug. I thanked her again and headed out.

I thought, “Did you notice that I touched the filing cabinet on the way out the door? I don’t know if you caught that or the fact that on that first day I touched the walls in several places as we walked through the space.”

There were 2 different analogies/stories T used today but I am not sure where they were in today’s session

Round about going around and around not knowing which exit was safe so just keep going around.

Cone – she told the story about people/monks getting some esoteric story/phrase and told to go meditate on it to figure it out and when they would come back they’d get told they were wrong, smacked, and told to go mediate some more.

Both of these were close but not completely right, either.

Elio, your journey is not easy, but is so worth it to get to the otherside which will brings peace and joys. It sounds like you have a therapist that is willing to go the distance with you. I struggled with the ability to find the words to reveal myself and to be heard, but my therapist lead the way when I couldn't or was just willing to wait patiently as I marked time. Thank you for the courage to share your story. I'm routing for you all the way.

disappointed in myself. we had a good session but i was too afraid to speak up about the things bothering me... i waited until 10 min before session ended to confess something major to him and i nearly broke down crying. so its good he knows but since we only barely touched on it, now i get to sit on it and be sick about it all week.

i wish i was not so quiet in session sometimes. why can't i speak up

PDOC SESSION: She kept asking if I was safe at home alone. If I needed acute care that it could be provided, and not to hesitate to ask for it. She wouldn't stop asking if I had a plan. I told her of all the ways I thought about and how I have attempted in the past. She said it's good for me to be feeling normal human emotions so she doesn't want to change my meds, it's yucky but I have support and I'll work through it. She was in a new office this time - this one had a camera, the clock didn't work (the clock in the other office didn't work either) and they are the exact same clock and they were stopped on the same time, so I'm really confused as to what was real or fake. I'm still confused.

Good session with EMDR T. He helped me to see a button was being pushed by someone but what was happening ? I wasn't sure. It's that I feel unimportant and don't matter. OUCH. And where does the feeling come from ? Thank you , Mother.

my T and i met and are okay again

i really upset him because of my drug relapse. but we are moving forward and trying to find ways to manage the trauma work fallout

Kashi made me tea as promised. He and I even shared some humor despite my mom's serious health issues being discussed. I had such a hard week/vacation seeing family and my old t. Kashi made me feel whole again. A supportive talk, hugs, and when I got clumsy and spilled tea on me he pulled out the paper towels. I felt cared for and never judged. He is really a delightful guy

R and I discussed the triggering experience in the supermarket, and she picked up on a number of things. I told her that if she had asked me two weeks ago what absolute overwhelm looked like for me, I would not have been able to tell her. 'Now I know.'

'It sounds as though the experience you had has added an urgency to this. You want to be able to talk about it, face it and deal with it now.'

I talked a little about how other people, family and friends have strange ways of telling me that they are uncomfortable. One friend has done me a favour by explaining that they are not comfortable when people cry, so I am as open as I can be with her, without going...there.

R let me know in an email yesterday that 'You are safe, within our sessions, to go as deep and as slowly as is OK with you', so I reiterated that back to myself, and tried to continue. My first words to her after we exchanged pleasantries at the door were 'What a week!'

She acknowledged that it seemed as though the experience had an effect on me, and perhaps set me back a little. I showed her a poem I wrote on Tuesday that she said demonstrated the intensity of the experience for me. It seemed to her that I felt trapped in the conversation, and she identified old patterns of me being given information that I was not comfortable with, and feeling unable to speak up and say something.

'I can't do this every night for over a year...'

R understands that I am tired. She reiterates and reminds me that I am doing the best I can. 'You're making arrangements with me, you're doing other things...you're doing the best you can.'

'I'm doing the best I can.'

There was more conversation, but it's all a bit garbled at this point. Towards the end of the session, R mentioned that she has been doing some reading around art therapy as part of her training, and I immediately came to mind. She wondered whether I might be interested in giving it a go as a way to communicate when I am in that emotional state.

I spoke of my concerns about being in the 'between space', where I am not in the now, but fully there and she said that it is often a fast track to emotions, so that has to be carefully managed, but she would be willing to help me explore. She said she wouldn't mention it again unless I asked her to bring materials.

We have two more sessions before her three week break.

Duchess: I talked about feeling I couldn't discuss things that I was feeling inside because I didn't want her to get upset at me for still feeling that way. She was very gentle and she said she wouldn't. She listened and was gentle. She knows I'm in a bad place but safety is the key. She's concerned but she loves me and we'll get thru this.

She likened how my physical knowledge of getting out of a rip tide and how I can help people do that, and I'm trained to know what to do and assist others in certain circumstances, to her knowledge of her getting out of emotional rip tides. She doesn't know how to physically do it or want to - but she has the knowledge of the emotional so let her help guide me out of the emotional rip tide.

Also talked about how I have so much change to make and trauma to work through. How I decorated my room in Navy, Gold, and Silver, if she walked in and said no this is green, orange, and purple. How would I feel? Because I know that it's the colors I decorated but in actuality I didn't and I have to relearn color. That's just a small example. I basically have to relearn my entire life and existence.

It sucks and I'm not in a good place about it.

Kashi sounds amazing. I'm so glad you have him

((((ellahmae)))))