I don't even know where to begin. I just wish that either I was dead or that I'd never been born in the first place. Sometimes I get really angry at my parents for ever having me. Why did'nt they just get an abortion or something rather than forcing me into a wacky world where nothing ever makes sense and where I suffer every day from debilitating anxiety, depression, OCD and a myriad of other disorders. I just can't take it anymore.

I remember a much happier time when I was younger (I'm in my early 40's now). I took long walks on the beach, ate out a lot, traveled, had a lot of friends and I had a very upbeat and happy-go-lucky disposition. I could make new friends at the drop of a hat. I could also throw back a 6-pack of beer, order a pizza and after dinner, relax with a big cigar and listen to tunes and later have all the sex I wanted and wake up the next morning feeling like a million bucks. Life was great and I was sure that I would live to see my hundredth birthday. Nothing could stop me. I was immortal and savored every day of my life and lived for the next.

Contrast that with the beast I have become because of depression and other disorders. I hav'nt touched a drop of alcohol in 2 years because I had become an alcoholic and it nearly ruined me as well as the relationship with my family and the few friends I had not to mention the fact that I can't drink anyway because of my high blood pressure. Alcohol was the only REAL release I had from this demon called depression and now I no longer have that "crutch" to fall back on. I hav'nt smoked in years because it was affecting my breathing so scratch that as a means of "coping" as well.

Then about 4 months ago, I began to develop a disorder known as "scruptulosity" and I felt like God was punishing me for every little thing and that sex was evil so I simply stopped having it so now I'm always horny, grumpy and miserable and feel like my life is over with (or at least I wish it was). Then I developed a sore on the inside of my mouth and thought I had developed oral cancer (I was a snuff user) and after several negative biopsies, I decided not to push my luck anymore and so out the door went another one of my few remaining "vices" (ie; coping mechanisms).

I had also been taking pseudoephedrine from time to time to pick me up when I was feeling down in the dumps and it worked really great for me. I could be horrible depressed but if I took one of these little pills, I would be happy and motivated all day long. Then, I took it one day and ended up in the ER all wired up and the alarm sounded twice. the first time I stopped breathing and the second time my heart stopped for a few seconds. The doctor said that pseudoephedrine is known to cause heart attacks and that I should refrain from using it again in the future. So BAM! - yet another coping mechanism yanked out from under me. Then I had to stop drinking my beloved coffee because it made my anxiety much worse.

What the heck is left?. How do I cope?. I take Celexa from time to time and it does help but leaves me impotent. I feel like I'm in a straight jacket...restricted...repressed...like there is NOTHING I can do anymore because it's morally wrong, unethical, illegal, unhealthy, etc, etc, etc. Where did my fun-loving, foot loose and fancy free life of just 10-15 years ago go???.

Now I just went off on my room mate (and friend of 22 years) for no reason at all. My mind was'nt working, my thoughts were disorganized, I had this weird "vibrating" sensation in my head that was freaking me out, I felt like everything was surreal and like I had ZERO "feel good" chemicals floating around up there (ie; serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, etc). I felt sad, depressed, hopeless, doomed, etc and so he's trying to be friendly and strike up a conversation but everything he said to me, I just came back with some defensive, angry retort and the next thing I know, I'm screaming at him and going hysterical. Then I ran into my room, slammed the door and started screaming "I feel like crap!!!...I can't take this anymore!!!". What the heck is wrong with me???. Why is my mind driving me nuts this way?.

Then there's the fact that I had severe prostatitis and ended up on the drug Levaquin which is well known for causing serious, long-term side effects and so I've been having these sharp pains all over my body ever since I finished the last of it. I also suffer from Tourette's Syndrome (along with echolalia) so I shout out curse words at the top of my lungs at any given time and I have acid reflux, sores in my mouth, a lipoma in my groin that if removed, may cause the loss of a testicle (a frightening thought if you are a male). I have been sitting at this computer for 10 years now so I'm terribly out of shape and I rarely see my family anymore and have constant fears of friends and family members dying, etc. My OCD is also very bad and I constantly obsess over surgery, sex, death, diseases, etc.

I am also sick of "living" at the doctor's office. Sure I can sit around all day and pop pills but what kind of a life is that?. Half of the stuff either does'nt work (or marginally works) and the other half is later found to cause fatalities (like Vioxx) or severe side effects. I just can't cope anymore. I need to be sitting on the beach having an orgy with a frosty mug of beer in one hand and a big cigar in the other but I guess those days are long gone.

Sorry this is so long but this is what my pathetic life has come to.