All out of coping mechanisms. What's left to live for?

I don't even know where to begin. I just wish that either I was dead or that I'd never been born in the first place. Sometimes I get really angry at my parents for ever having me. Why did'nt they just get an abortion or something rather than forcing me into a wacky world where nothing ever makes sense and where I suffer every day from debilitating anxiety, depression, OCD and a myriad of other disorders. I just can't take it anymore.

I remember a much happier time when I was younger (I'm in my early 40's now). I took long walks on the beach, ate out a lot, traveled, had a lot of friends and I had a very upbeat and happy-go-lucky disposition. I could make new friends at the drop of a hat. I could also throw back a 6-pack of beer, order a pizza and after dinner, relax with a big cigar and listen to tunes and later have all the sex I wanted and wake up the next morning feeling like a million bucks. Life was great and I was sure that I would live to see my hundredth birthday. Nothing could stop me. I was immortal and savored every day of my life and lived for the next.

Contrast that with the beast I have become because of depression and other disorders. I hav'nt touched a drop of alcohol in 2 years because I had become an alcoholic and it nearly ruined me as well as the relationship with my family and the few friends I had not to mention the fact that I can't drink anyway because of my high blood pressure. Alcohol was the only REAL release I had from this demon called depression and now I no longer have that "crutch" to fall back on. I hav'nt smoked in years because it was affecting my breathing so scratch that as a means of "coping" as well.

Then about 4 months ago, I began to develop a disorder known as "scruptulosity" and I felt like God was punishing me for every little thing and that sex was evil so I simply stopped having it so now I'm always horny, grumpy and miserable and feel like my life is over with (or at least I wish it was). Then I developed a sore on the inside of my mouth and thought I had developed oral cancer (I was a snuff user) and after several negative biopsies, I decided not to push my luck anymore and so out the door went another one of my few remaining "vices" (ie; coping mechanisms).

I had also been taking pseudoephedrine from time to time to pick me up when I was feeling down in the dumps and it worked really great for me. I could be horrible depressed but if I took one of these little pills, I would be happy and motivated all day long. Then, I took it one day and ended up in the ER all wired up and the alarm sounded twice. the first time I stopped breathing and the second time my heart stopped for a few seconds. The doctor said that pseudoephedrine is known to cause heart attacks and that I should refrain from using it again in the future. So BAM! - yet another coping mechanism yanked out from under me. Then I had to stop drinking my beloved coffee because it made my anxiety much worse.

What the heck is left?. How do I cope?. I take Celexa from time to time and it does help but leaves me impotent. I feel like I'm in a straight jacket...restricted...repressed...like there is NOTHING I can do anymore because it's morally wrong, unethical, illegal, unhealthy, etc, etc, etc. Where did my fun-loving, foot loose and fancy free life of just 10-15 years ago go???.

Now I just went off on my room mate (and friend of 22 years) for no reason at all. My mind was'nt working, my thoughts were disorganized, I had this weird "vibrating" sensation in my head that was freaking me out, I felt like everything was surreal and like I had ZERO "feel good" chemicals floating around up there (ie; serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, etc). I felt sad, depressed, hopeless, doomed, etc and so he's trying to be friendly and strike up a conversation but everything he said to me, I just came back with some defensive, angry retort and the next thing I know, I'm screaming at him and going hysterical. Then I ran into my room, slammed the door and started screaming "I feel like crap!!!...I can't take this anymore!!!". What the heck is wrong with me???. Why is my mind driving me nuts this way?.

Then there's the fact that I had severe prostatitis and ended up on the drug Levaquin which is well known for causing serious, long-term side effects and so I've been having these sharp pains all over my body ever since I finished the last of it. I also suffer from Tourette's Syndrome (along with echolalia) so I shout out curse words at the top of my lungs at any given time and I have acid reflux, sores in my mouth, a lipoma in my groin that if removed, may cause the loss of a testicle (a frightening thought if you are a male). I have been sitting at this computer for 10 years now so I'm terribly out of shape and I rarely see my family anymore and have constant fears of friends and family members dying, etc. My OCD is also very bad and I constantly obsess over surgery, sex, death, diseases, etc.

I am also sick of "living" at the doctor's office. Sure I can sit around all day and pop pills but what kind of a life is that?. Half of the stuff either does'nt work (or marginally works) and the other half is later found to cause fatalities (like Vioxx) or severe side effects. I just can't cope anymore. I need to be sitting on the beach having an orgy with a frosty mug of beer in one hand and a big cigar in the other but I guess those days are long gone.

Sorry this is so long but this is what my pathetic life has come to.

I feel your pain.

What does your therapist say to help you?
Who diagnosed you with all that stuff, anyway?
Do you have just one doctor managing all this, or many?
Life changes, whether we are healthy or not...nothing will be the same as it was "yesterday"..

You have some of your own answers...in your post... but I know how depression talks to us...

that was a long post... how about we talk about one item at a time?

((grey)))

The giving up the coffee part just about did me in! I've not the energy or brain cells to post cohesively at the moment, but I did want you to know that I read your post, and I'm sorry you are having such a rough go of it right now.

Please try not to lose hope...

Regards, Peanut

Hi Grey how are you today???? Thinking about you....

one foot in front of the other... breathe.... make a list of things you have to do, or need to revisit with your doctor... and then try and let it out of your mind for the weekend...

post soon and let us know how you are, ok?

just want to let you know your not alone i feel the same way you do and i hate it.

Wow, I've been to a LOT of forums over the years but this one get's an A+ in my book!. You people are so supportive and kind. I love you all and hope that you and your families have a WONDERFUL Christmas!!:-).

Well, on another note (not so bright and cheery), I slept in very late this morning and each time I woke up I felt very sad and depressed. I just kept thinking to myself "why should I even bother to get up?", "what do I have to live for?" and "why can't I just fall asleep again and not wake up?". I woke up at one point and felt like crying. I was deeply confused about how I felt, frightened and depressed.

Finally, I did manage to pull myself together long enough to get up and take a long walk. When I got back, my room mate was up and I said "good morning" and then proceeded to start getting stuff out of the freezer (frozen pies, cookie dough, etc) so that I could get all of my baking done ahead of Christmas. While I was doing this, a tub of baking soda fell out and spilled all over the floor and this was enough to set me off. I said some naughty things and then slammed the tub of baking soda (or what was left of it) into the sink, breaking it and then slammed the cupboard door which then came off of it's hinges. I did this only a few feet away from my room mate.

So he got real quiet and depressed looking and did'nt speak to me for awhile and I knew right then that something was wrong so I finally asked him what was bothering him and he repeatedly told me that he did'nt want to talk about it. Finally (after much prodding) he told me that he just did'nt understand my behavior and that it was unnecessary and I "frightened him" and "he did'nt know what he was going to do about it". At this point, I had a major depressive/panic spell thinking to myself "oh great, I've spent weeks planning for the perfect Christmas and now I've just ruined it". I felt horrible. I felt like crying my eyes out.

I then got really combative, angry, depressed, sad, anxious, etc but in a more composed way than I had yesterday because I still had at least some hope for a cheery Christmas and did'nt want to ruin it completely. I said a lot of hurtful things to my room mate and about Christmas and it's almost as if I was subconsiously TRYING to destroy Christmas before it even arrived. My friend/roommate who *had* been in a bright and cheery mood was becoming more and more sad and depressed and I felt just horrible myself. I was bumming us BOTH out!.

Finally, I decided that I needed to go take a Celexa, a Lorazepam, pull what was left of me back together again and get busy preparing for Christmas. I patched things up with my room mate, put on a happy face and took my meds. Now I'm baking cookies. I still don't feel what I'd call "happy" but I know it will take time and in the interum, I am basically running on "auto-pilot". I also have these mild sharp pains running down the back of my neck along with an occassional vibrating/tremor sensation in my head from time to time as well as some scatterbrained-ness and forgetfulness like I am losing my mind or something. Man, it's like the Devil himself timed this just so he could ruin our Christmas.

Well, thank's again to ALL of you. You are truly a wonderful and supportive bunch of people and finding this forum was the best thing that could have happened to me - although I wish I felt better so I could actually return the favor and start helping other people here:-)

Warm regards and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Merry Christmas Greygoose (be happy we aren't eating goose for Christmas dinner)

You must be farther along than before, because you stopped and thought and took your medicine and tried to deal with it... this is good!

Hope your cookies came out nice.. yum...

"auto-pilot" is an excellent way to define it, and I appreciate the term having spent 10 years in USAF aux.... yeah I run on auto pilot much of the time (going through the motions is how I have defined it) doing what I know I should...trying to do right... and affect as few ppl negatively as possible while I work on myself...

You will help ppl later on when you can, don't worry about that.

You're okay, Grey. I know I shouldn't, but I keep seeing that baking soda and the cupboard door coming off its hinges. Heheheh. I'm sitting here with my five katz littered around the room, having my pathetic little holiday also. I've been up all night, thinking of sleeping for a while now as it's 8am. LOL Your cookies got to me. First time in 3-4 years...I finally had some sweets last night. Whoa! I either need coffee right now, or I'm going to bed.

I'll be back in a bit if I'm still awake.

You were so expressive, you can write SO well, I can almost imagine your intelligence, wit, and how did it feel to write it all out, your language was so expressive it must have been cathartic. You are the kind of person I enjoy talking to at a great length when I help others who also are as ill as I am, I feel you are the type that feels deep and makes great connections. i also 'remember a better time..' and I do vividly and I also feel like a 'beast i've become..' do you keep a journal? Perhaps more expressive writing will help more and you can be even more explicit in a journal, keep it with you at all times, I even drive to the side of the road when a thought comes out I want to write down. You had some really good years and with a little tweaklng perhaps your abilities to have good years can come back, and you will always have these memories in the bottom of your heart. I love you and wish you the best.

This is my first time at a support forum. I was diagnosed with depression about a year ago. I am now taking Lexapro. It helps most of the time but at night I just seem to lose it. I keep my schedule hectic. I'm questioning whether that is good or bad. It helps keep my mind from wondering, but I just wonder if I would be happier taking it slower. All of you guys seem way older than me (no offense) and I was just wondering what your lives were like in highschool. It's been really tough for me to get through the last couple of days. I guess it's cause almost all of my friends are deserting me. They don't want to hang around me cause i'm a "goody-goody". They feel uncomfortable doing inappropriate things around me and so they just don't want me around at all. It really hurts cause I've always needed support and I was accepted by them and now for the first time it's like no one accepts me for me. I don't even know who me is anymore? I just need someone to count on, anyone.

Hi Greygoose,

I've carefully read your posts, which are so expressive and also show a great understanding of what your having to deal with.

When depression hits hard, it feels like everything is going wrong in you, both physically and mentally, like your literally coming apart. One thing after another hits you, but mainly it's just the depression doing all this.

I think that you are a very brave person, and the fact that you can bring some humour into your story is inspiring. I think of myself as a survivor of depression rather than a victim, and I can sense that strength in your words as well.

One strategy I used in the hard times was to remind myself, every time a new fear or worry kicked into my head, that it was nothing new, just the same old depression. The same old bully.

Good luck, Myzen

You're trying, and you deserve a kudo for that I can never say as much about me and what happened, how I felt, etc. the way you can.

I do have a few questions, if ok to ask:
1) Does your room mate know about your 'diagnoses'?
2) Are you seeing a therapist?
3) Sometimes if you keep on taking meds (ie. celexa) on a daily basis, it helps you feel better, or at least decrease the intensity of the emotions.

Good luck. I'm glad you still had some Christmas spirits with you. )

GreyGoose,

I am interested in what makes you smile. No matter how large or small. What makes you smile on a Monday, for example? I love the way a warm clean blanket smells and feels fresh out of the dryer, and how salsa music makes me feel like I'm on vacation away from the cold dark Pacific Northwest in the winter.

I get depressed and feeling lousy just like you. But while I'm dealing with that, I try not to let those feelings hide the little things that make me feel good.

Feel better soon,
K

(WELCOME ODYSSEY)