Quote:
Originally Posted by nyc artist
Sad thing is...I already am suspicious of everyone. I think I go into situations backward...I don't automatically like/trust people, they have to earn it. Whereas, most people I know like/trust everyone until they prove themselves untrustworthy.
I honestly see T C as a competent professional who can help me achieve my goals. I didn't feel that way with Disasters 1 & 2. They definitely did not have my best interest in mind. 2 actually told me a month in that she wanted a dual relationship. She desperately (exact word she used) wanted to be my friend. So...me, not having any friends and thinking that she knew best, became her friend. It was a major mind f**k and tragedy from the get go. She couldn't keep herself out of my therapy...something she promised to do. I was paying her to talk about her. When we did things as friends and I said anything about my life/situation I had to pay her because that "put her on the clock." I couldn't/didn't stand up for myself. It wasn't until she told me that she wanted to commit suicide with me that I knew things were terribly wrong. I reported her to the licensing board (they are still investigating) but she continues to harass me. T C knows all of this...every boundary Disasters 1 & 2 crossed...and he is doing a great job of not repeating the pattern. He doesn't talk about himself unless I ask or it's appropriate to the conversation. It was the reason, he says, that he "gave me space" over the past two weeks. He doesn't force physical contact with me, a huge problem with Tweedledee & Tweedledum.
I know it sounds like I'm finding every reason to think he's this great savior who is going to fix me...but I know how human and imperfect he is. Re: his colossal f**k up the past two weeks. He's going to disappoint me and let me down from time to time. But it's something I really need to learn how to cope with in healthy ways.
I do think, though, that some form of attachment is necessary. For someone who has never had a healthy attachment/relationship it's just part of the process. As long as very clear boundaries are kept...I think it's helpful. Now, I'm not going to cry and freak out when he goes on vacation (well, unless he leaves for like a month!), but I will miss the support.
Sorry this was soooooo long! I hope it makes sense!
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Yes, it does make sense and OMG what horrible T's you had before. I think with CPTSD we all have trust issues and that is not an easy thing to overcome. We can let those walls down a little bit at a time to test the water but even then it may not work out well. But you will never know unless you try. You need to have a therapeutic relationship with T's and understanding that you are there for their help and there will have to be some trust to allow that to happen. We get into trouble when we get too involved and too dependent on the T's, that's why they so want us to have a support system outside of therapy because they can't be there for us 24/7. And most of us need some support between sessions. That's what makes this place so valuable. I'm sure you will do the right thing and if you don't , just have to dust yourself off and start again. We are just human.
"It wasn't until she told me that she wanted to commit suicide with me that I knew things were terribly wrong" She needs some serious help and doesn't need to be practicing until she goes through a lot of supervision. I'm glad you brought this to the attention of the licensing board.
I am glad you are seeing the importance to standing up for yourself and it's okay.
