Is therapy like you thought it would be?

I didn't start getting into my therapy until just before I kicked out my abusive fiance. And I had been going, off and on, for many years. I thought my third marriage would solve my problems, but it didn't.

I've been with my current T for almost six years. In that time I dug down deep into my traumas. I had quite a lot to deal with, and my T helped with that. Thankfully he's an old coot and he's heard and seen a lot of things, both as counselor and as professor. I'm at the point where we've dealt with most of the past trauma and doing more current stuff. Not that the past doesn't pop in anymore--it does--but I'm better able to deal with it.

I've been in therapy for about 4 years but the last 5 months with my current T are the only times that I've actually gotten real therapy. My first 2 Ts were a nightmare and I was very naive in both of their processes. I left every appointment feeling worse about myself and my situation. Along comes therapist C and I feel like I've been thrown into a different world. Therapy is actually about me now. It makes me extremely upset, though, to know that I wasted all those years with Ts 1&2. I've had a few pretty big setbacks the past two weeks because of scheduling issues, but once I can get past the hurt from that I expect to continue forward progress with baby steps. I can't move fast, and T doesn't force me. I love that about him. He has patience for days!

I also have to advocate for Art Therapy. It helps me so much to be able to draw my trauma instead of saying the words out loud. T is so supportive of my art work that it makes this process just a little easier.

Really understand wasting time on therapist providing what we need and what's worse not helping get us to the people that can help. Glad you found the T you need , sounds like a great fit for you.
If you can express your trauma in art you are a gifted person. I wish I could so I wouldn't have to say it and expose myself like that.

Drawing/art doesn't have to be perfect...or even good actually! I had expressed concern over drawing terrible, graphic images...I thought I would get labeled with something horrible, so he told me that art is used a lot with kids because they can't put things into words. He said kids can't draw very well but the message always get through. I draw things very literal now, in a lot of detail but I started out with just stick figures and red pens. I would say to give it a shot if you think it will help...even stick figures go a long way!

Thanks I may do that. I do have issues with putting things in words and that is very frustrating. Sounds like a great therapist.

If you need any help or ideas, let me know!

ETA: he is a great T....makes me feel bad for being so upset with him right now. I suppose I need to just get over it because I'm very lucky to "have" him.

Don't feel bad about being upset with him right now.That's normal T stuff I expect. We don't always want to hear what they have to say, and they do need to push us a little to get us unstuck from a certain way of thinking. Best thing to do is express that you are upset with him and figure out why. But don't feel bad about it. We talk with them about some really hard stuff so emotions are going to be running high anyway, guards will be up. Talk it out with him.

Oh, I'm not upset because of something he said. He's been nothing but supportive. I'm upset because he gave my time away to someone else yesterday and he knew I really, really needed it. He apologized over and over but I'm still upset. I feel like he should have either made time for me somewhere else or rescheduled the person he put in my slot. I know it was a huge mistake on his part and I shouldn't be upset....just all that abandonment crap comes up. I'm trying not to take it personally and to let it go....it's just hard.

Sounds like you are reasoning it out and know he wasn't abandoning you, and he did apologize. That's great. Did you express how badly you needed to talk to him? It is hard to deal with though. It's like a broken record, the people we depend on keep letting us down. That's why set boundaries with my T. I don't want them to have that power, or me be so dependent on them, that if the sessions end or are cancelled that it will not be such a big deal. I've seen people really go off the deep end when their Therapist goes on vacation, or has to cancel a session. I don't want to be like that. Therapist have a life too outside of being a therapist.

Thanks for the hug...I needed it today! This why I think I am so upset...I told him many, many times how the summer months are the worst for me, and specifically July. He KNEW I needed that time. He really did. He did this to me two weeks in a row. When it happened the first week, I reiterated that I needed my appointments and it happened again the next week (last Friday). It was so bad that I had to make an appointment with a different T for last Friday because he wouldn't give me my time. The other T appointment wound up falling through (because my T didn't get back to me in time...extra hurt), but the other T emailed and said he couldn't understand why my T would not make time for me because it was obviously important. I keep asking myself the same thing. He knew I needed the time, so why didn't he do something to fix it instead of just apologizing? Ugh. I don't know. I do hate feeling that I need him so much, but I literally have no family/friend support system. He's it. And I feel like he really screwed up here and he doesn't care because he didn't try to fix it. If my situation weren't as bad as it is, I really wouldn't care about these mistakes, but it IS bad and I DO need him. It sucks.

I'm so sorry and yes it is easier to understand now. Have you thought about looking for another T? While you really like this one if he can not give you the respect and care you need it's time to find another one. You've already been traumatized enough in life you shouldn't have to pay to be treated that way.
Start looking around, there has to be a lot of T's in NYC. When my sessions were scheduled 1-2 months apart with the VA, I sought out online therapy. It was direct pay but cheaper than a f2f encounter. But it was what I needed between sessions to get me through. But having two T's can be a little overwhelming also.
Also you have support here. This is my main support system, in time you will know who to talk to and who is really listening. Though we are not T's we can be here to listen, maybe share what we have tried and worked or didn't for us. But it gives people an idea of the options out there.
Of course the bottom line it's up to you as to what choice you make and sometimes they are hard choices. You have to do what's best for you and you have an idea on what that is. Don't sell yourself short.

No. *sigh* I'm trying to understand this and not just give up. I've told him more than either of my previous two Ts combined and this is the first time he's messed up in 5 months. I've never stood up for myself before and I feel safe enough with him to do so, so I'm going to just ask on Tuesday why he didn't make time for me. I'm going to express how much it hurt/affected me and just see how he responds.

This is a great place for support! I was a very active member about 4 years ago but then had to take a break from the internet for awhile! I did try online counseling between Ts 1 & 2 but it was really stressful for me. My counselor always left me with something to think about that was anxiety provoking and didn't come back to chat until at least 12 hours later. Then T 2 had me sign up again because she wanted to see if the counselor would suggest the same things she did...oh it was a mess! T 2 just wanted to feel superior. Now just the thought of it makes me anxious!!

I think that is a great idea to confront the T about why things happened as they did. Just to give yourself some peace of mind and let him know how it upset you. Good for you in standing up for yourself!!!!!
Glad you came back. I did the same thing , came here for a while, then got overwhelmed with all the info here and had to take a break, then came back. It shows we were trying to take care of ourselves by doing that. Coming here can be an addiction as well as a need.

Thank you! I say I am going to stand up for myself now, but come Tuesday I might chicken out. I'm hoping I don't but I'm such a pushover! Maybe I need to take these posts with me.

Oh yeah, definitely an addiction! I think for me because I have no friends and my family hates me, so it's awesome to come here and talk to people who know exactly what I am going through. I know my story is not unique but it's different knowing that and seeing it. Does that make sense?

LOL take the notes with you, download Eye of the Tiger on your phone Take some deep breaths before going in and tell yourself you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If he can not honor your request for care then it's time to move on, because you do want to feel better. Now if he's doing this fro free you may want to give him some slack but if you are paying for a service and treatment plan he needs to provide the service to you.
Your story is unique, no one has gone through the exact same things that have caused you so much pain. So it is unique. I think we all want each other to feel better and realize it takes work and a commitment to make progress. Therapist can't fix this for us, but they can help us with tools to work on ourselves and help us through stuck points.

I already have Eye of the Tiger on my phone! But now I have set a reminder to listen to it on my way there and while I'm in the waiting room! Thanks for that!!!

Oh no...he's definitely not free! I have insurance but I also pay a copay each visit. So, yeah, he gets paid.

I'm nervous about speaking my mind this afternoon but it has to be done at some point in my life, right?

Absolutely, but try to practice it in a nice way that it will come across as a positive thing to them.That's where I run into trouble with it. I wait and hold it in until I'm so upset and angry then when it comes out of my mouth the anger is offensive to the other person. Then the outcome doesn't turn out that well. Sometimes writing it out, days before the encounter helps so you can go back a reread it (kind of the Prolonged Exposure thing) and edit to how you would want this to be told to you..
I hope the appointment goes well. Good luck, you can do this

How do you get angry? I know that seems like the stupidest question ever, but I seriously don't know how. T knows this too. I was never allowed to have emotions as a child, so I don't have them now. T keeps telling me that it's ok to be angry and I'm like..ok..so teach me. We haven't gotten to that yet. Poor guy...he's REALLY earning his paycheck with me!

As soon as I sat down today, he brought up his mistakes and he owned them, again, but his apology had little effect on me. I told him that his apologies didn't change the fact that he really let me down and wouldn't make time for me when he knew it was so important. Here again is the problem with my lack of emotions/feelings...I feel like his apology isn't sincere and he is just saying it to shut me up. I was taught at a young age that apologies meant nothing (although it was in reference to my apologies meaning nothing...family never apologized to me). I honestly don't know if he was sincere but if my past T experiences tell me anything, he doesn't care at all that he hurt me. Oh well, we move on. I don't hold grudges (for more than a week-ish ). But I am proud that I could tell him exactly how I felt, I've never been able to do that before.

I'm proud of you for expressing yourself to him. Now what's next? Are you going to be able to move in a positive way with feeling like his apology was insincere?

Thank you! I feel so much better now that I was able to say exactly how I felt. I've really been missing something for my entire life. Yes, I can definitely move forward and past this and continue to do good work with him. I think my feeling safe enough to be completely honest with him is worth more than a million apologies (sincere or otherwise). Does that make sense? I'm not sure how to phrase that. I'm trying to say that me feeling that safe with him is huge. I've never had that feeling with anyone before. I'm not 100% sure that he wasn't being sincere, just past experiences have my mind going right to that place. I have to remember that he isn't T 1 or 2 but that he is still a T and they are taught to diffuse situations before they get out of control. Your help and support has been invaluable to me these past few days...I can't thank you enough!

You are the one that deserves the praise, YOU DID IT!!!!!!!! No matter how much support you have it all comes down to YOU and YOU applying yourself
I just don't want to think that feeling safe is a substitute for getting the care and respect you deserve. There needs to be healthy boundaries between T's and clients. He's doing a job you are paying him for, and that is what you should be getting. If you are getting too emotionally attached to this T you need to address that with him before you really get hurt by him, and him not meaning to. Just be careful , okay? I don't want to see you get hurt. Not all therapist are good people. They are just people.

Thank you. I appreciate that very much!

I agree 100% about healthy boundaries and C is trying very hard to have them because T 1 & 2 crossed almost every boundary possible. He keeps telling me that he is trying very hard to respect my feelings about "too much therapy." Hence him "giving me space" when I had major symptoms. T 1 & 2 used me for money and had me going in for sessions way too often because they needed the cash. He told me that he really wants this to be a great experience for me and he will do everything to make it work. Since his oversight (read: colossal mistake) these past two weeks is honestly the first time he messed up I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. He's had a few positive impacts on me already and just this one negative, that's good right? I'm so confused about therapy at this point that I'm not sure what's ok and what's not. I will be very careful though and get unbiased opinions (post here!) when I'm struggling!

I think most of us tend to latch on to people we think care, feel safe with. But there are some people out there that are looking for people like us, who do not have our best experience in mind. Not that you should be suspicious of everyone, just be careful and if red flags start coming up recognize them and act on them.
Remember it's his job to provide the therapy that helps you. That's what he's paid for. They are not meant to be our friends, just paid professionals to help us get the tools we need to move forward in our lives. Eventually with out them there. I've seen people have break downs because they are leaving their T or the T goes on vacation, that's not healthy to get that dependent on them. Yes we always will be here to lend an ear and to share our own experiences with therapy. Therapy is hard and a lot of work, and it should be that way.

Sad thing is...I already am suspicious of everyone. I think I go into situations backward...I don't automatically like/trust people, they have to earn it. Whereas, most people I know like/trust everyone until they prove themselves untrustworthy.

I honestly see T C as a competent professional who can help me achieve my goals. I didn't feel that way with Disasters 1 & 2. They definitely did not have my best interest in mind. 2 actually told me a month in that she wanted a dual relationship. She desperately (exact word she used) wanted to be my friend. So...me, not having any friends and thinking that she knew best, became her friend. It was a major mind f**k and tragedy from the get go. She couldn't keep herself out of my therapy...something she promised to do. I was paying her to talk about her. When we did things as friends and I said anything about my life/situation I had to pay her because that "put her on the clock." I couldn't/didn't stand up for myself. It wasn't until she told me that she wanted to commit suicide with me that I knew things were terribly wrong. I reported her to the licensing board (they are still investigating) but she continues to harass me. T C knows all of this...every boundary Disasters 1 & 2 crossed...and he is doing a great job of not repeating the pattern. He doesn't talk about himself unless I ask or it's appropriate to the conversation. It was the reason, he says, that he "gave me space" over the past two weeks. He doesn't force physical contact with me, a huge problem with Tweedledee & Tweedledum.

I know it sounds like I'm finding every reason to think he's this great savior who is going to fix me...but I know how human and imperfect he is. Re: his colossal f**k up the past two weeks. He's going to disappoint me and let me down from time to time. But it's something I really need to learn how to cope with in healthy ways.

I do think, though, that some form of attachment is necessary. For someone who has never had a healthy attachment/relationship it's just part of the process. As long as very clear boundaries are kept...I think it's helpful. Now, I'm not going to cry and freak out when he goes on vacation (well, unless he leaves for like a month!), but I will miss the support.

Sorry this was soooooo long! I hope it makes sense!

Yes, it does make sense and OMG what horrible T's you had before. I think with CPTSD we all have trust issues and that is not an easy thing to overcome. We can let those walls down a little bit at a time to test the water but even then it may not work out well. But you will never know unless you try. You need to have a therapeutic relationship with T's and understanding that you are there for their help and there will have to be some trust to allow that to happen. We get into trouble when we get too involved and too dependent on the T's, that's why they so want us to have a support system outside of therapy because they can't be there for us 24/7. And most of us need some support between sessions. That's what makes this place so valuable. I'm sure you will do the right thing and if you don't , just have to dust yourself off and start again. We are just human.
"It wasn't until she told me that she wanted to commit suicide with me that I knew things were terribly wrong" She needs some serious help and doesn't need to be practicing until she goes through a lot of supervision. I'm glad you brought this to the attention of the licensing board.
I am glad you are seeing the importance to standing up for yourself and it's okay.