I would like for my relationships to be better. I KNOW for a fact that my best friend keeps her distance for a number of reasons. She says I don't pay attention when she talks. (That used to be true but now she barely even TELLS me anything of substance anymore.) She also feels like I only call her when I need something. I can see WHY she would feel that way but it doesn't feel right on my end. Yes, I often feel needy and ask for her help on a lot of things, but at the same time, I feel like she barely reaches out to me at all. I feel like I never hear from her which makes me resentful. IF I do ask her about doing something she always has plans. She plans **** weeks in advance. I'm more of a spur of the moment type of person because I'm so ruled by my emotions.

I ended my relationship with my husband (that I'm considering reconciling with) because of my black and white thinking. A lot of bad stuff had mounted and I had to call it quits. P.S. I did this EXACT same thing during my first marriage - reconciliation attempts and all.

So I already know that the way I handle things is not getting me what I want and making me miserable so why is the concept of change so frightening? I WANT to get better, but the thought of losing all my crutches (dysfunctional though they may be) is frightening.

For me, sulking is a crutch. If I'm upset (angry or sad) and not obviously expressing it, I have a habit of sulking. I'll get really quiet which will often prompt someone to ask me what is up because it's so UNUSUAL that I'm quiet. It's funny b/c my therapist had asked me how I handled...disappointment? Anger? I don't remember but I remember telling him that I would go sit on the steps in the house. They were in the middle room so I was pretty much guaranteed to get noticed. When people don't notice that something is wrong, I have the potential to get even MORE irate.

I feel like I need people so bad. What would it be like if I was handling everything well? That SHOULD sound like nirvana right? Handling my own biz? So why is that frightening?

I wonder if it's just more of my all or nothing thinking. If I can't start behaving "right" (as in PERFECTLY) then why bother to try?

Can anyone else relate?