Want vs. Resistant to Change

I would like for my relationships to be better. I KNOW for a fact that my best friend keeps her distance for a number of reasons. She says I don't pay attention when she talks. (That used to be true but now she barely even TELLS me anything of substance anymore.) She also feels like I only call her when I need something. I can see WHY she would feel that way but it doesn't feel right on my end. Yes, I often feel needy and ask for her help on a lot of things, but at the same time, I feel like she barely reaches out to me at all. I feel like I never hear from her which makes me resentful. IF I do ask her about doing something she always has plans. She plans **** weeks in advance. I'm more of a spur of the moment type of person because I'm so ruled by my emotions.

I ended my relationship with my husband (that I'm considering reconciling with) because of my black and white thinking. A lot of bad stuff had mounted and I had to call it quits. P.S. I did this EXACT same thing during my first marriage - reconciliation attempts and all.

So I already know that the way I handle things is not getting me what I want and making me miserable so why is the concept of change so frightening? I WANT to get better, but the thought of losing all my crutches (dysfunctional though they may be) is frightening.

For me, sulking is a crutch. If I'm upset (angry or sad) and not obviously expressing it, I have a habit of sulking. I'll get really quiet which will often prompt someone to ask me what is up because it's so UNUSUAL that I'm quiet. It's funny b/c my therapist had asked me how I handled...disappointment? Anger? I don't remember but I remember telling him that I would go sit on the steps in the house. They were in the middle room so I was pretty much guaranteed to get noticed. When people don't notice that something is wrong, I have the potential to get even MORE irate.

I feel like I need people so bad. What would it be like if I was handling everything well? That SHOULD sound like nirvana right? Handling my own biz? So why is that frightening?

I wonder if it's just more of my all or nothing thinking. If I can't start behaving "right" (as in PERFECTLY) then why bother to try?

Can anyone else relate?

I wrote a post about this not too long ago. Last I checked there was no responses lol. But I feel you. Like what if I get better... Then what? I mean I hate the way i react to things. I don't like any of it and all the problems it causes
Maybe it's the fear of the unknown. I just don't know who I will be in the event I can get better. Mostly cause I have no idea who I am right now. I dunno if that makes sense. But it's the best thing I can come up with. The black and white thinking doesn't help me at all.

When I saw your post this time I didn't pay attention but last I checked before your response there were like 54 views and no responses. You had none? I find it hard to believe we are the ONLY ones who feel this way so it's odd that nobody is chiming in.

Not knowing who I am now makes sense. The black and white thinking is the WORST. Before I knew anything at all about BPD I knew this was a problem for me and I was googling stuff like "All or nothing" thinking. Plus I looked up "Extreme Perfectionism." I knew it wasn't a matter of OCD - my house is a wreck, but the whole thing of setting impossible standards. I can get a 97 on an exam and then be mad about the fact that I should have known the one I got wrong. I can struggle through a class (I have) then get an A but still feel stupid for the struggle. I'll feel like the teacher is the one that has low expectations, not that mine are impossibly high.

My sister has a bit of this also. She was once seeing a life coach who said to her, "You set your standards so high, not even YOU can reach them." THAT resonated with me. I do that to myself AND others and it's wreaking havoc on my life. If I don't think I can do it "perfectly" then I won't do it at all. Fear of failure is debilitating for me.

Anyway, it's good to know I'm not COMPLETELY alone.

Yeah I know. I just hate all of this. I'm having a particularly bad day. I just want it all to be different