Thank you. As I'm sure you know, how I feel changes from day-to-day. months-to-months, etc. I wrote this two days ago, and then last night I went to bed crying for no reason at all. I have been rapidly cycling for the last month, after going through intense mania. It's sometimes unbearable, and very "new" for me (It's the first time in a long time that I felt as manic as I have been).

I was on benzos for a long time, and quit them almost completely a little less than a year ago. I had built such a tolerance to it, and it wasn't working, other than leaving me numb and fatigued, coupled with the antidepressants, which I stopped taking as well. I was up to 8 mg of Xanax a day and was extremely worried I would become an addict, as I have a very addictive personality. I don't recommend completely stopping your meds without talking to your doctor. I just felt so miserable.

I am now on new meds and feeling better, until recently, since the rapid cycling started. I'm not sure if I have ever experienced this before. The mania is not dramatic at the moment, although I feel very functional and productive, but the depression is bad. This year I started a new job and got married. I barely slept, and I was obsessed with my work, working almost 80 hours a week, on top of planning the wedding, which we did entirely ourselves. I was so sleep deprived and manic one week that I wasn't making any sense, would ramble on far more than I do now, and would forget what I was talking about mid sentence. I started getting dizzy and felt sick to the point that my husband had to come pick me up from work because I couldn't drive.

I recently started another new job. ( I left with my manager to a new company) Their culture is great, and I make a lot more money. My schedule is flexible and I can work remotely, which allows me to hide this. I have become worried however, as I will sleep in until 6 PM on bad days. I basically don't sleep at all on others. I will only get away with this for so long. I try to make it up by working all day on the other days, but I have become increasingly worried that if this keeps up, I will lose my job.

It will always be a struggle. Having a solid support system can help, even though I will get extremely frustrated and lonely when no one else seems to understand, or worse, judge my struggle. I"m sorry that you haven't found solace in a diagnosis. Do you have a way to see a psych doctor? I underwent full psych testing, which made this all possible. I hope that you can receive something more concrete and a medication combo that will help alleviate the extremes.

I see my doctor next month. I may have to schedule something sooner. These waves are not healthy, and although I enjoy the hypomanic parts, the depressive parts will ruin me.

I too ignored my illness for a long time. September has always been when I reach my worst bouts of depression. I know I will fall into it fully if I don't do something. I would get past it, my meds made it worse, I would quit cold turkey, and not seek help until the next extremely depressive episode. This went on for over 10 years. Seeking help, and continuing to try new medications is critical. It's a long, tireless effort, that almost feels fruitless or impossible. It took a painstakingly long time to get to a place where I feel like there is still hope, at least for now.

I apologize for the ramblings. I am on one of the depressed and sleepless periods, though I haven't fully dived in. Let me know if you want any advice, and I'll be happy offer some if I am qualified or had any experiences.