Why Invalidating My Bipolar Invalidates Me

I wrote an article about two days ago that I would like to share. Maybe these are responses and experiences are some that some of you may have/had. My hopes are that this will help one of you and start a dialogue about mental health awareness. Please let me know what you think and share your input and experiences! We are all strong. We are not alone.



It has been almost two years since I was diagnosed with Schizo-Affective Bipolar Type, ADHD, and generalized panic disorder. I can be pretty open about mental health and my diagnosis. However, I almost never share the more extreme parts of my illness, or I hide it completely due to the stigmas attached to it.

After years of being misdiagnosed and going on and off anti-depressants, I was finally given the diagnosis of bipolar disorder. That was a huge break through for me. It made the way I felt and the severe mood swings I would experience feel validated. There was a reason. I now had words to explain what I was going through: mania, depression, hypomania.

I now know why all of the medications I've tried over the years never worked for me. Like most people with bipolar, I had been diagnosed consistently with depression and anxiety disorder. The reason for this common misdiagnosis is due to the fact that most people with bipolar don't acknowledge or recognize the mania. For many, not all, mania is relief from the depression. You feel good, productive, accomplished, unstoppable. However, the mania can also be dangerous and is always met with an inevitable crash because your body can't withstand that type of exertion without rest. So, when I would plunge into severe depression and couldn't take it anymore, I would go see a doctor.

The anti-depressants never worked, and the anti-anxiety medications made me a zombie. Often times, I would get worse, but the doctors always told me it was because I stopped taking the medications. I found out recently that anti-depressants can actually throw someone with bipolar into mania or depression. Again, I finally felt validated.

Still, I found that the validation I felt, or the acceptance of this diagnosis, was not felt by everyone. There are many reasons for this: lack of knowledge, bias, misconceptions, etc. Below are some of the responses I have received after telling people about my bipolar diagnosis. Some people have been supportive, some well-intentioned, others ignorant, or just plain hurtful. A few of the responses I have received are listed below.

1. "You don't have bipolar." "You seem normal." You don't seem crazy."

I'm not crazy. I have a mental illness. I don't announce it to the world when I can't get out of bed for 48+ hours or that the reason I have recently taken up so many hobbies or work so many hours is actually one of the many, many symptoms of a manic episode.

"You didn't seem like you had bipolar until you were diagnosed."

This one hurts a lot. I have finally, for once in my life, had my feelings and emotions validated. I understand better why I am the way I am, and for the first time, I can actually work towards a proper plan to treat it, or minimize it. I was also very good at hiding it most of the time. This response completely crushes that feeling.

My mania was controlled by being massively sedated, and I learned that no one wants to talk to you when you're depressed, so I would just disappear during those times. Now, I am learning to cope and experience the emotions and moods that come with my illness.

Now, I must learn to cope and experience the emotions and moods that come with my illness. I am experiencing a lot mentally, emotionally, and physically due to new medications, quitting anti-anxiety medications, and actually being allowed to claim bipolar and feel it's heavy full weight and the burden it bears. This means those mood swings, emotions, and deceptive thoughts must be felt for the first time in a long time (at least at the intensity in which the occur, especially when it comes to manic episodes), and that's extremely challenging to say the least.

I talk about it because I trust you, I need support, or I want to explain why I have acting the way I have lately. Being bipolar can put a massive strain on relationships. There's nothing worse than seeing it's effects and not knowing how to stop it.

3. "I feel like bipolar is just an excuse."

I am responsible for my actions. I will own up to those actions, accept that I am accountable, and work as hard as I can to fix it. It's not an excuse, but it is a cause. A lot of times, especially in the past, everything is blurred by the mania or depression, and I don't see the effects of my actions until clarity returns.

Believe me, it's as frustrating for me as it is for you. The guilt, shame, and self-hate can be so real. This is why many of us end up isolating ourselves. Sometimes I feel that all I do is apologize, even if I don't know why. I know that this makes it seem less sincere, but I can't control the intense feelings of guilt. Don't be afraid to tell me when I'm doing something wrong or if my moods are affecting you. I don't want to make you feel the way that I do. But don't tell me that bipolar is just "an excuse". It's a reason, and I want you to know that sometimes the bipolar causes me to act in a way that is not me. I have been working on it desperately.

4. "That's the bipolar talking." "Have you taken your meds?" "Maybe you're just imagining it."

My feelings are real, and not always a symptom of my mental illness. Everyone gets angry, sad, excited, passionate, etc. Believe it or not, my emotions are not always synonymous with my illness.

5. "You don't need medication." "Just think positive." "Just calm down." "You need to do yoga."

You have no idea how frustrating and exhausting the years of trial and error in medications and treatment are, or how frightening the side effects of certain medications can be. Still, I continued to seek treatment because the symptoms of not treating the illness were far worse. I held that mentality before ("I don't need meds. I feel fine."). This was typically when manic. I was wrong. Even though there are many other things I do to help manage, I DO need medication.

A lot changed for me after coming off of antidepressants and benzodiazepines. I had more energy. I talked faster than I already did. I wanted to do and accomplish more. I was more excitable. I was more agitated. I would get easily frustrated. For good and for bad, a lot of the symptoms haven't and will never completely go away. I would take things out on my husband, my mom, my family, and my friends without realizing it, or I completely isolate myself when I do.

I was prescribed Adderall to treat my ADHD. Now, not only was I dealing with the stigma of having bipolar, but now I had to deal with the stigma of Adderall to anyone who knew. People started looking at me differently and attributing a lot of my actions, and even accomplishments, to either the illness or my medication. "That's why you're so productive." "That's why you're so sped up." "You don't need that."

Actually, I do. Adderall doesn't affect me in the same way that it affects people who don't have ADHD. I've always had a hard time focusing, sitting in one place, being on time, staying on task. This gets even worse when I'm manic. Medication isn't a cure all, but it can help manage the extremes of my illness. You're not in my head.

Before my medication, there were times that I would self-medicate. I would drink too much, or make reckless decisions. The guilt that would follow would be unbearable. All I would feel is shame. Then the cycle would repeat until periods of stability. This is an impulse and cycle that I do not miss.

For the first time in a long time, I am learning to deal with my feelings, emotions, and moods. It hasn't been easy for me, and it hasn't been easy for those close to me. For that, I am sorry. The ones that stuck around, were there to listen, or to offer support, have been critical in this journey. Mental illness can be extremely lonely.

I am particularly grateful for my husband. He bears the brunt of my illness the most and it kills me. He does it graciously. He's understanding. He doesn't take it personally when I'm in a mood. He doesn't judge. He listens. He encourages me to get better. He has had such a positive impact on my life, my health, and my happiness along this journey. I am in awe of his patience, supportiveness, and kindness. I appreciate him more than he will ever know.

6. "I wouldn't tell anyone you have it. They'll judge you and treat you differently." " I wouldn't tell your boss. It could affect your job."

Sadly, this is often times true. I've experienced it first hand and usually the ones who give this response are others that have dealt with the repercussions of disclosing their mental illness. I've done this many, many times. I'm quite good at it. I push through it. I smile when I am miserable. I slink off somewhere to manage an anxiety attack. I don't talk to anyone when I am depressed.

When I reveal it, it is often not met kindly. However, that's the reason I have decided to talk about it even more. The stigma is there because most keep quiet. This is what emboldens me to share my experiences. You never know who is suffering mentally. You can say you have a physical disease and most often, you are treated with concern or empathy. If you mention a mental disorder, the subject gets changed or the conversation get quiet. It's an isolating experience.

Bipolar doesn't define me. There are also many good qualities that I have that I can attribute to it. I am passionate. I am adventurous. I am inquisitive. I am empathetic. I am creative. Most importantly, I am strong.

I love what you have written and I hope I can become as strong as you. At this point I haven't been given(or accepted) a diagnosis. When the possibility was first mentioned I was quite receptive to the idea that it could be what I was dealing with and like you, I felt some validation. As things have gotten worse for me though I have started to wish that I could make it go away by ignoring it. I don't have a career and I'm afraid I will never be able to do anything I wanted now because of the negative image people seem to have of this.

I decided to be open with everyone I know about how horrible I have always felt and about how bad this last year has been and it was very freeing but then I was met with so many "I had no idea anything was wrong you always seemed fine."(either I was a good liar or none of them ever cared anyway, probably both) and lots of "lets hang out sometime"(which is fake its what people say when you attempt suicide or tell them you have been in and out of psych wards and jail cells lol no follow through)

I am super lucky to have an awesome husband too. He gets sick of some things like me not cleaning the house when I have no energy and then spending all my time walking, running, dancing or starting a bunch of projects that I will just leave half done all over the place when I do have energy. I get sick of all of it too so I don't blame him. I have become so difficult to be around so often lately and somehow he still loves me, forgives me time after time and helps me get through all of it. I think he wishes I would accept it and try to find some stability though. I just don't see stability as an option right now

Thank you. As I'm sure you know, how I feel changes from day-to-day. months-to-months, etc. I wrote this two days ago, and then last night I went to bed crying for no reason at all. I have been rapidly cycling for the last month, after going through intense mania. It's sometimes unbearable, and very "new" for me (It's the first time in a long time that I felt as manic as I have been).

I was on benzos for a long time, and quit them almost completely a little less than a year ago. I had built such a tolerance to it, and it wasn't working, other than leaving me numb and fatigued, coupled with the antidepressants, which I stopped taking as well. I was up to 8 mg of Xanax a day and was extremely worried I would become an addict, as I have a very addictive personality. I don't recommend completely stopping your meds without talking to your doctor. I just felt so miserable.

I am now on new meds and feeling better, until recently, since the rapid cycling started. I'm not sure if I have ever experienced this before. The mania is not dramatic at the moment, although I feel very functional and productive, but the depression is bad. This year I started a new job and got married. I barely slept, and I was obsessed with my work, working almost 80 hours a week, on top of planning the wedding, which we did entirely ourselves. I was so sleep deprived and manic one week that I wasn't making any sense, would ramble on far more than I do now, and would forget what I was talking about mid sentence. I started getting dizzy and felt sick to the point that my husband had to come pick me up from work because I couldn't drive.

I recently started another new job. ( I left with my manager to a new company) Their culture is great, and I make a lot more money. My schedule is flexible and I can work remotely, which allows me to hide this. I have become worried however, as I will sleep in until 6 PM on bad days. I basically don't sleep at all on others. I will only get away with this for so long. I try to make it up by working all day on the other days, but I have become increasingly worried that if this keeps up, I will lose my job.

It will always be a struggle. Having a solid support system can help, even though I will get extremely frustrated and lonely when no one else seems to understand, or worse, judge my struggle. I"m sorry that you haven't found solace in a diagnosis. Do you have a way to see a psych doctor? I underwent full psych testing, which made this all possible. I hope that you can receive something more concrete and a medication combo that will help alleviate the extremes.

I see my doctor next month. I may have to schedule something sooner. These waves are not healthy, and although I enjoy the hypomanic parts, the depressive parts will ruin me.

I too ignored my illness for a long time. September has always been when I reach my worst bouts of depression. I know I will fall into it fully if I don't do something. I would get past it, my meds made it worse, I would quit cold turkey, and not seek help until the next extremely depressive episode. This went on for over 10 years. Seeking help, and continuing to try new medications is critical. It's a long, tireless effort, that almost feels fruitless or impossible. It took a painstakingly long time to get to a place where I feel like there is still hope, at least for now.

I apologize for the ramblings. I am on one of the depressed and sleepless periods, though I haven't fully dived in. Let me know if you want any advice, and I'll be happy offer some if I am qualified or had any experiences.

Thanks! I do see a pdoc, since February when my first antidepressant sent me way off the deep end and they sent me to the psych ward.

I definitely know what you mean about the quick changes and rapid cycling really sucks, I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with that. On my second antidepressant try I was going up and down several times a day which lead to drinking then quetiapine because I wanted to quit drinking after spending a night blacked out and waking up in a cell with no clue how I got there or what I had done wrong. Apparently just really suicidal and explosive behavior that couldn't be stopped. Then I quit the quetiapine because I was tired on it and went back to drinking and of course history repeated itself but my husband was still there for me when I got out the next day so I agreed to go to a voluntary psych home which was much better than the locked ward.

They put me on bupropion after I detoxed and I like it. I have only had one week of depression since then, almost 2 months I have been on it. But I also hadn't been eating for a month because I was extremely sick and pms was mixed in there too lol. Other than that I have been super happy and it seems like only other people have a problem with how I feel. I feel great and I dont want it to change. I have spent way too much time depressed and after what quetiapine did to me I don't want the stupid mood stabilizers again.

My pdoc didn't want to diagnose too quickly which I understand and he said the possibilities were depression, bipolar or borderline but my therapist said he had discussed it with her a few weeks ago but I didn't want to hear the words. They already say it every time I'm in the ER even though I DON'T have a diagnosis! I keep having to tell them that I dont know where they came up with their info. I already know what they will say but a diagnosis is permanent and I keep hoping this is all a big misunderstanding, that all the crazy thoughts I'm having right now are just me reacting to the possibility of bipolar and I'm not actually hypomanic or at the start of a manic episode like my therapist says might be possible.

Husband is mad this morning because I didn't go to bed and I have been out walking in the middle of the night every night. He says he is worried but we live in a small town and I maybe see like 2 cars and 2 people the entire time I'm out and I laughed and said I'm the scariest thing out there anyway. He didn't like that, I guess he wanted me to be serious but it was seriously funny. Why would I want to give up laughing and feelings of overwhelming joy because everything around me is so amazing. I think they all just want me depressed again so I lied and didnt tell my pdoc about any of my symptoms at our last appt. But I went to therapy yesterday and told her the truth once she promised not to talk to pdoc. I guess if he phones I will know she's a liar but hopefully not. I feel its pretty responsible that I am being honest with her and my husband and they should just be happy with that.

I'm not sure which of us is rambling more lol but it sure feels good to finally have people to talk to who understand even if I'm not ready to take the diagnosis.

#5 ("Just think positive." "Just calm down.") is one of my biggest frustrations. A lot of people don't get that depressed doesn't always mean sad. I can have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes without thinking of anything that causes it and thinking about how good I have it won't change it. When I am an arrogant jackass, the best I can hope for is to keep my mouth shut; if you want me to participate in a discussion I am likely to say something inappropriate or condescending.

I had a few people who gave the #1 ("You don't have bipolar.") response, but I was surprised by a few people who said (paraphrased) "Yeah, I know" or "that explains a lot."

#3 (it's an excuse) and #6 ( "I wouldn't tell anyone you have it) I do to myself. There is some stigma and there are people and/or places where it just isn't a battle I want to fight to get people to understand. I don't like therapist and pdoc describing some of my past mistakes as not being my fault; at some level I made choices.

I really like what you have written.
I really believe you can have more stability with an antipsychotic.
Geodon is weight neutral. I was on it for years.
I now take seroquel to sleep at night. I over sleep and wake up groggy but it is much better being able to sleep thru the night.
Ask your pdoc about this if you want.
(I am not a doctor)
bizi
welcome again!

I don't know if you consider this a different one or maybe a variant of #4 ("taken your meds?")...
If my wife walks into a room and can't remember why or can't remember where something she just had is, then it is chocked up to getting older (we are late 50s). But when things like that happen to me, it's "You should talk to your psych nurse about this."

"Just calm down" sends me into a rage volcanic explosion. If I could I would.

Also I find that some people compare MI to having PMS. "Oh she's just in one of those moods". Bleh! How dare you!

It helps to get it out, and I think that is why everyone is here. At least I hope so. For a long time, before I was able to recognize, in retrospect mostly at the time, that when I was manic or hypomanic, I thought the exact same thing. I wouldn't be on meds. I was extremely productive, active, healthy, happy. The, depression would hit. I thought I was "normal" the other time, and I did/do have bouts of stability, but I recognize now that it was definitely mania.

Who wouldn't want a release from the depression. It's agonizing, lonely, desperate, guilty, shameful, loss of motivation and care for yourself and even others. I am not sure if the schizoaffective is a proper diagnosis. I don't get delusions of grandeur, or feel invincible. I've never had a psychotic episode. I have had intrusive thoughts, and I often wonder if I have bipolar coupled with OCD. My mom severely suffers from it and it is absolutely debilitating. I don't know how she does it. She is often on the verge of a breakdown, and it has only gotten worse over the years, despite constantly seeking help for it.

I get not wanting to accept the diagnosis. It makes it real, and it almost like a death sentence knowing that it means that bouts of depression will reoccur. Like you said, who doesn't want to feel great? I am often up all night, because I obsess about what needs to be done. Some are hobbies, some are housework, and work for my career. Then, after a long time, my body and brain just give up and me. I know it's coming, and no matter how much I try, the depression happens.

The lamictal has helped a lot with the depression. It doesn't focus on the mania too much. I believe that it just needs to be increased, and I just have to stay away from the people and places that are triggers to me reckless behavior. Again, that's where my husband helps. He's almost always there, and I actually like him and like that he's around all of the time. HA!

Just be careful with the antidepressants if they try to prescribe them. It can propel depression. A lot of the meds that they suggested, and or gave me, had extremely terrifying side effects, such as a tick that never goes away. I refused those. I was on Lithium, but that only lasted two days. I was passing out and the room kept spinning. I would wake up in the middle of the like that. It felt like being in a vortex if that makes any sense. I went to urgent care and was passing out during the examinations. I stopped immediately.

My point is, keep in mind the diagnosis in case you see a different doctor. You don't want to end up prescribed something that will exacerbate the symptoms, especially the depression. I am glad you found something that is working for you! Keep at it. You will be alright.

It is the worst! "Just think positive." No ****! if it was that easy, there would be no mental illness! I completely understand what you mean by #3 and #6. I feel too that sometimes some things are just better left unsaid. Sadly, sometimes it's like politics. It's like talking to a brick wall. It's more work than it's worth.

Thank you. The anti-psychotics always made me feel really weird. It's so odd how people take differently to meds for the same, or rather, similar disorders. I think that the lamictal is working, but I need to increase it. I started on an extremely low dose because of the sensitivity to it. I would make me light headed and dizzy. That subsided fairly quickly. I have stepped up since then, but I don't think that it's enough.

I am going to ask my doctor when I see him about sleep aids. The Klonopin works, but I am so tired and droggy that I just won't get out of bed. With work, I just can't have that side effect. I don't know if a sleeping aid exists that won't do that. That does scare me.

I haven't heard about the meds that you are on. I will definitely discuss this during my next appointment. Thank you for reaching out and for the advice!

That is a variation, but exactly what I am talking about. It feels sometimes as if everything you do or feel is because of your illness. We have the right to have justified and rational feelings, actions, and behaviors, because we do.

That in mind, I do have to ask sometimes if I am being irrational. HA! I think we tend to notice more often after learning to reflect or when an episode has hit. Not always though. Even so, that doesn't negate everyday thought, feelings, and actions.

Exactly!!! If I could "just calm down" or "think positive", don't you think I would? My mom and I talk about this all of the time. She says what I wrote earlier. "No ****! Why hadn't I thought of that! I have just been struggling my whole life for no reason." Ha! If that were the cure, most mental disorders wouldn't exist. I know that more often than not, it comes from good intentions, but it is overbearingly agitating.

Thanks for being so welcoming and comforting Shleigh. You got it exactly right I have spent so much damn time depressed, chained to the couch, falling asleep before the kids even went to bed, crying, hating life. I spent most of the last year self harming and consumed by thoughts of suicide. I finally have relief. The seroquel was a horrible experience as was being locked up in the psych ward. I can't go back to any of that. There is still some piece of me that says I should be responsible and work with my pdoc honestly but mostly I just want to enjoy this and that seems to be taking priority over safety, stability, family probably health too. But I'm pretty strong so a person or two doesnt scare me and I'm a good runner so when there are 10 people coming towards me in the deserted streets I can get home super fast lol. Might go out again soon they are probably passed out in their homes by now!

Of course! We all need it, as strong as we can be and try to convince ourselves that we don't. Depression is the worst, and so is being self-destructive, and the horrible cycle it creates. Enjoy feeling good and being healthy, but just be sure to reflect and make sure that the feeling isn't causing more harm than good.

How you feel with the seroquil is how I feel about Xanax and the antidepressants I was on. I would rather feel intense than not feel at all. Most of the times anyways! HA I can get bold too, and I'm too stubborn to listen a lot of times. I always joke, "I do what I want!" Well, it's kind of a joke. haha I was born opinionated, hard-headed, and independent. I've been told that my whole life. It's also one of my best qualities a lot of times. I've always succeeded in the things I am passionate about because I become obsessed, competitive, determined to prove others wrong. Usually our best and worst are one in the same.

Just don't be too bold to where you're unsafe. Be sure to keep an eye out. Also remember to trust your gut if you feel uncomfortable. Exercise is great for anxiety, so keep it up!