Quote:
Originally Posted by Miguel'smom
I don't talk very often. I have nothing to say. It really really bothers me how silent I am. (It makes me not want to live.) That is until I flip out. Today I screamed at my son to "shut the **** up and do his work" Now he was trying to get out of work that he's way behind in but it really didn't deserve that response and I'm doing that a lot. I'm starting to think I'm just naturally a *****. I don't want to be medicated more. Hell I blame the zyprexa for me being almost mute. I'm going from 0-100 fast. It's not just with my son it's everyone. The world feels too real and I don't know how to make it stop. I want to scream and cry at the same time. That said I can't stay alone because I think someones going to break in and kill me (the usual for me). I want to hurt myself so bad but I wont. I just really want to cry but my body wont let me.
I don't know what I'm asking I don't see T for another week but honestly she's not a very good T.
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I think that you’re asking if it’s okay to engage, again; to speak without rage. To live and talk. To be okay.
Mmm. Hmm. Selective Mutism is common in children but rare in adults. Happy, oh, so special me. Maybe, you, too; I am no shrink.
Two references of suicidal ideation, though. We need to talk about those, okay? No, you’re not going to kill yourself. At some point in your past you valued you life, you enjoyed living, right? My experience: 16 years in Hell but killing myself to stop my darkest grief? Crossed my mind but I found it repulsive. Somewhere, you feel the same. Not a feeling of ‘hope,’ no, no, Christ, in that hole there is no hope, right?
Anger. Anger allows you to speak. Anger brought me back from Hell. Well-placed, well-executed anger? Wonderful. But ya gotta deal with self-anger, first. Pretty obvious that you’re angry with yourself - a good beginning. An epiphany - you can use that anger as gun to break your symptoms like clay pigeons, 1, 2, 3, 4, you can.
You speak, you yell, you cry out, lash out when angry? That’s a start. Be angry and speak. That’s a step.
Just sayin’.