lack of words unless flying of the handle

I don't talk very often. I have nothing to say. It really really bothers me how silent I am. (It makes me not want to live.) That is until I flip out. Today I screamed at my son to "shut the **** up and do his work" Now he was trying to get out of work that he's way behind in but it really didn't deserve that response and I'm doing that a lot. I'm starting to think I'm just naturally a *****. I don't want to be medicated more. Hell I blame the zyprexa for me being almost mute. I'm going from 0-100 fast. It's not just with my son it's everyone. The world feels too real and I don't know how to make it stop. I want to scream and cry at the same time. That said I can't stay alone because I think someones going to break in and kill me (the usual for me). I want to hurt myself so bad but I wont. I just really want to cry but my body wont let me.
I don't know what I'm asking I don't see T for another week but honestly she's not a very good T.

Sorry your feeling this way

I hope you feel better soon. Maybe you can vent here before your feelings get so strong?

(((((( MM ))))))

I hope you feel better soon.


WC

I think that you’re asking if it’s okay to engage, again; to speak without rage. To live and talk. To be okay.

Mmm. Hmm. Selective Mutism is common in children but rare in adults. Happy, oh, so special me. Maybe, you, too; I am no shrink.

Two references of suicidal ideation, though. We need to talk about those, okay? No, you’re not going to kill yourself. At some point in your past you valued you life, you enjoyed living, right? My experience: 16 years in Hell but killing myself to stop my darkest grief? Crossed my mind but I found it repulsive. Somewhere, you feel the same. Not a feeling of ‘hope,’ no, no, Christ, in that hole there is no hope, right?

Anger. Anger allows you to speak. Anger brought me back from Hell. Well-placed, well-executed anger? Wonderful. But ya gotta deal with self-anger, first. Pretty obvious that you’re angry with yourself - a good beginning. An epiphany - you can use that anger as gun to break your symptoms like clay pigeons, 1, 2, 3, 4, you can.

You speak, you yell, you cry out, lash out when angry? That’s a start. Be angry and speak. That’s a step.

Just sayin’.

Why? No, no. This - place - is not a house nor home nor mountain nor meadow nor ocean. Why dampen strong real-life-world feelings?

Strong. Interesting word, that.

My hope for the original poster is that she can embrace those strong feelings and speak. That her ‘venting’ will result in words. Deal with the mutism then re-engage in the living world.

Just my opinion based upon my experiences.

I want to hurt myself not kill myself. Even with my family I rarely talk unless it's a yes or no question or I'm flipping out, I hate this. I rarely have enjoy life unless it was mania. I can't seem to find a balance. I'm not very angry at myself. For a short time I'll be like "man I did it again" but quickly it turns to "oh well". I know sounds horrible. I'm afraid this will last forever and my son will hate me because the only time I talk to him is when I'm screaming at him.

Three things:

1. The god-damned world is real; it is too real. F**king hurts out here. But it is sensual in that senses dulled come alive again and that allows one to bear, maybe embrace, the pain.

2. I doubt that anyone will break in and kill you. I’ve had, now, four burglary’s in 32 days. The burglar broke in as I slept but did not enter my bedroom. I’m assuming that you’re not in a Federal witness protection program?

3. If I were you, I would tell your therapist, “I gotta tell ya... you’re not doing me any good.” They thrive on that kind of feedback. Sometimes they can change (my current therapist was horrible in the first year - he became a jewel when I slammed him).

Press on. You can.

Are you guilty of some horrid crime? Is that why you need to hurt yourself? As penance? Or are you wicked, like me, finding pleasure in pain? Why in blazes do you need pain? Explain, please, I am ignorant.

No, you don’t sound horrible. I’m old. So, I’m full of wisdom, a sage, a shaman. Bull-shite, of course. I lose count of the ‘good’ years and they probably weren’t sequential and, yeah, yeah, yeah, years of full-blown mania and hurting others and fear. A lot of fear. Fear of real relationships with single women because I knew that they would hurt me, abandon me, and they did. Couple those years with an underground sexual self and they are fear/pleasure/pain years. But I felt. I had feelings.

I was married late in life and those years were horrid on the surface, not on the dual plane so much. I lost a wife and son (not certain if he was genetically mine) and the result was... three years in a publicly funded mental institution, blah, blah, blah. I tire of telling these tales ad nauseum.

But, yeah, a year of mutism. Too guilty to feel anger. ECT and I began speaking. YOU. DON’T. WANT. THAT. Do you?

Balance? Gosh, I mingle with norms, again, and thinking back? No, I don’t know anyone who has a balanced life. Watch (ooo... I do enjoy watching!) and observe and process and everyone seems bipolar. Why? Because, like us, they are up and down, up and down, up and down, and there is no balance. They are all scared. They marry and f**k around. They have strange desires. They experience cash-flow problems.

You can’t find balance - you want to reduce the intensities that you feel. And you want, I think, to rejoin the right-horror-show of humanity.

I could be wrong. I read between.

I'm sorry you're having this problem. Maybe you could work on this in therapy? Or get your meds re-evaluated? I hope you feel better soon.

I feel if I hurt myself life will feel less painfully real. I can focus on the pain. I don't want ECT so how to get my voice back? Maybe not balance but stability. I want to be just Okay.

Sounds like a a ugly mania is setting in. Talk to your Pdoc and or T .. If you cant be verbal write it down and hand it over.... You know how to do that.

Has there been talk about doing ECT ?

thinking of you

~Christina no one has mentioned ECT but ciderguy said ECT helped him. I don't want an ugly mania. They'll up my zyprexa and that will cause nap times and weight gain.

Sounds like ugly mania to me.

I'm dealing with a nasty patch myself. I'm okay with my current med combo so I'd rather not change that. But ...... most of mine is situational so med change isn't really the solution in my mind.

There are numerous people here that have had ECT and it really helped them a lot. Maybe do some research about it ? Just a thought.

Do you think the zyrexa has helped you? If you think it is time to try another med I just discovered clozapine comes in orally disintegrating tabs. I know weight gain is a big deal for you and while anecdotally I've read clozapine is worse, the studies apparently show zyprexa is associated with more weight gain. My guess would be that people often respond to a fairly low dose of clozapine and the weight gain is (for me at least) dose dependent.

I think it sounds like you need your therapist to help you more than anything but since I was just reading this for other reasons I thought I'd throw it out.

My pdoc wants me on clozapine if Zyprexa doesn't work. I'm so scared to be on a drug like that. He says clozapine is number 1 for my symptoms and zyprexa comes in a close second. So I'm on zyprexa. I don't know what would help. Maybe I just have to accept the weight gain and take the higher dose. I see my T in a week if this is mania I want it to get worse so she can see my symptoms, usually I'm able to hide my symptoms. If I'm honest wont they just drug me more? or worse hospitalize me? I'm not going to IOP. My husband can't drop me off or pick me up and the fear of someone harming me while getting transportation is to high. I live in a world that everyone is out to hurt me to the point I talk to no one. I have nothing to say though. My T says when I'm alone and I feel like someone's going to break in to just get up walk around. That just made things worse and I almost had a panic attack when they came home. This is so painful but my headphones are broke so I have to interact with my family like this. I'm more and more convinced I'm just a *****. I'm always paranoid so that hasn't changed. Today at co-op my nephews were counting how many cameras are in the building. I so wish I wasn't there. I don't want to be a ***** if that counts? I can't do this.

Gulmp. Okay. That’s where I am. But I have lengths of happy days. It’s great, fantastic to reach for okay, fine, doing well.

Gee. I’m going out on a limb, now, but I’m not even certain that stability is attainable (just a sudden thought, wouldn’t have said that yesterday). Recognition, first: recognition of that which you think and do might not be in your best interest.

How? How would you, how do you, hurt yourself? Yes, I understand focusing on physical pain rather than facing psychological challenges (Good Gravy, I Wrote the Book!). Please, tell me? PM if needed. Or just say that it’s nothing dangerous. If it’s something dangerous, just say that.

Adult Selective Mutism? Well, you get your voice back, or the most common way, is via antidepressants along with therapy. No, I didn’t want ECT, but it worked for me and I’m grateful.

I don’t know. Do you read? Could you read one paragraph aloud each day? That sounds cheap. No.

I’m curious - after over one year of not using my vocal chords, I croaked and cracked for months. What does your voice sound like to others? To yourself?

Mmm. Right now, I feel more concern for your well-being than your voice. I believe that pain can be beneficial - but I’m a little sado/maso, so keep that in mind! - but not if it presents a danger. Never then, no, never. Never draw blood, never leave permanent scars, stop if the pain overwhelms.

Just that for now.

I'll read a small out loud, in my room, alone. I don't know how I'd hurt myself or how bad. I tend to try and stay away from thinking about it to much. My voice sounds like I have to clear it all the time.

Yes, you write that you’re always paranoid, so I’m guessing that you’re aware of the delusions of harm that you’re experiencing?

Look. You need to see your therapist this week. You aren’t communicating rationally. It happens. You’re cycling too quickly, manic-like. It happens. I really wish that I knew what a ***** was... deleted by the word-bot.

Yes, you can get through this episode. It need not involve any involuntary admissions, not now. You are aware of your delusions. You know that they are just that. You needn’t always be actively paranoid; it’s good that you’re aware of your paranoia - that’s great, that’s hard to do - can you step back from it?

This is a bad episodes. Episodes don’t kill us. They don’t - it only feels as if they will. Call your therapist/shrink. Be calm and call - in the real world. Call and let us know your plans, okay? Please?i

Yeah, I know that feeling; clearing my throat constantly.

So there’s no point in thinking about pain right now. I’m still concerned about the cycling, if that makes sense? Reading aloud can serve two purposes - it gives you a chance to hear yourself again (find your voice) and it allows you to focus on something that isn’t pain.

I do wish that you’d call to see if you could get an earlier appointment.

I’m guessing that you’re aware of the delusions of harm that you’re experiencing? Yes I aware that it's untrue but it feels so true that without my husband around I have mini panic attacks.

A weeks wait for a T appointment isn't that long where we live. They're only allowed to see use every two weeks. The hurricane really ****ed everything up.

The word I was trying to say B!tch.

I may have 15 mg of zyprexa that I can use to knock me down but down is mute. I'm so angry. My husband is already sleeping probably to get away from me.

see bold below

I'm hoping my anger subsides by the time I see T. I don't like her but I don't need her to know that. I'd rather higher doses of meds for a short time then IOP or hospitalization. I have to tell my husband I might be starting a mix/mania. I'm hoping I can avoid Clozapine. I may have to go up on Zyprexa a lot but can't I go up on my mood stablizer to stop mood swings?

If this is a mood swing I need to be careful on not destroying my relationships. Thanks for saying I'm not a b!tch but I really feel like one.