I want the thoughts, images, words to stop.

I'm scared. Becoming anxious by noise, not being able to watch television because of voices, sounds, lights moving and people. Wanting just to sit alone in silence for hours on end. I guess I'm beginning to abuse the pills I bought online. It's my only way out right now.

I see a new psych in a week. I want to express my thoughts that I know are inside, but I cannot seem to catch them and let them out.

My mind isn't right, I am not me. I don't know how to explain. But I cannot get help if I cannot tell people why. I feel like I want help, but am not sure what for. Perhaps I don't need help, and that's why I don't know what is going on.

I do not want to work, but I make myself, I cannot loose my job. If I did I would have lost purpose in myself.

My life consists of excessive shopping, sleeping, eating from one extreme to the other, some lame attempt of holding down a job and my mental problems. It would seem I am my problems, there is nothing else to it.

I have not self harmed for a week or so, I cant, no matter how much I want to because of an event coming up. I see images of hurting myself, stabbing, shooting. Memories appeared as of yesterday of something far away in my mind. Being young, I would think somewhere between age 7 and 10, I remember repeatedly hitting my arms, legs, hands, feet with a hammer. I never achieved what I wanted, to break myself. It goes around in my head, again and again. Words and phrases repeat, I want it to stop.

I don't know how to help myself. I do not want to rely on other people.