I want it all to stop, please.

I want the thoughts, images, words to stop.

I'm scared. Becoming anxious by noise, not being able to watch television because of voices, sounds, lights moving and people. Wanting just to sit alone in silence for hours on end. I guess I'm beginning to abuse the pills I bought online. It's my only way out right now.

I see a new psych in a week. I want to express my thoughts that I know are inside, but I cannot seem to catch them and let them out.

My mind isn't right, I am not me. I don't know how to explain. But I cannot get help if I cannot tell people why. I feel like I want help, but am not sure what for. Perhaps I don't need help, and that's why I don't know what is going on.

I do not want to work, but I make myself, I cannot loose my job. If I did I would have lost purpose in myself.

My life consists of excessive shopping, sleeping, eating from one extreme to the other, some lame attempt of holding down a job and my mental problems. It would seem I am my problems, there is nothing else to it.

I have not self harmed for a week or so, I cant, no matter how much I want to because of an event coming up. I see images of hurting myself, stabbing, shooting. Memories appeared as of yesterday of something far away in my mind. Being young, I would think somewhere between age 7 and 10, I remember repeatedly hitting my arms, legs, hands, feet with a hammer. I never achieved what I wanted, to break myself. It goes around in my head, again and again. Words and phrases repeat, I want it to stop.

I don't know how to help myself. I do not want to rely on other people.

anna, I'm afraid I don't have any answers for you but I wanted to say that I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope things get better soon.

Cyran0

Anna, I think you writing this post was a start...you just described some very real things happening...maybe you should keep posting and print all of them out, or get a noteboook and do a journal...you will be amazed at what comes out when you do that!! You made a start...we are here. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...I think I am trying for a direct line to God right now anyway, adding you would be peachy!!!

Hugs, I know it is hard, melanie

your post reminds me of the song Tom Petty did somewhere back in time..

"Stop Jammin' Me" .... take some time and some silence and get together with them awhile ((((anna)))) ... soothes the soul....

hi anna,
read your post and feel so bad that you are hurting so. you articulated yourself so well i can almost feel it. did it help? i hope so...posting and getting my feelings out there helps me. i wish you much peace and calm that storm that's raging inside
((( anna )))

Thank you for your replies of support.

I normally write a lot, and my social worker often asks me to write and show him that because he gets a lot more from me that way. Recently though I can't seem to write like I did. It comes and goes maybe. I'm just waiting and letting life carry on.

((((((((((((((((((((((((( anna ))))))))))))))))))))))))))) .

Consistency helps to create patterns of behavior.

The things that we derive pleasure from are the most manageable............Hope the pill thing straightens out for you , Anna .

Take The Best Care YOU can ........OK?

I feel so crap. I'm scared. I can see the weekend turning into a pill and alcohol binge. I don't want to go out, ever. Not only am I too disgusting, but I don't want to have any influence on anything. I'm a bad person, I want to lock myself away.

Anna even though you may think your a bad person, your not . I know it's hard , just hang in there.
Take care.

Dear Anna,

I want to echo the other's support as well. I must tell you that your posting was a blessing for me. You were able to put together the feelings that I struggle with severely every single day. To this moment, I find myself in a never-ending whirlwind of despair. I don't how to express this any better. It does not go away, ever. After 22+ years of fighting the pain, I am left with some lessons I had come to grips with. I had to realize that it is not my fault that I have had to fight this crap, so why do I abuse myself? Another, is that there are people who depend on me to be there for support. I had to learn that I have an obligation not only to myself, but to others who need me to be there for them. That is not to say that I still don't battle my own internal destruction. As I write this now, I am fighting it too. The final lesson is that I have to look back, as painful as it is for me, every once in a while to really see how many times have I beat these bad memories and feelings of anger, fear, severe depression, anxiety of every kind, and simply kept going. I want you to know that your posting reminded me of these lessons and to know that I am not alone. In fact, many here on Psych Central have gone through this before, and/or are still fighting right along side us. The key is that you were able to put our struggles in context. That to me, is priceless and I thank you for that. I hope that you stay strong, get help, and realize that you are not alone and that if you need support, I will be here for you. I know that the others feel the same way too. I will finish by saying that if you notice that I said - Stay Strong - I say that because I know how hard it is to reach out to anyone, especially when you are scared of what the next minute will bring. You owe it to yourself. Please take care,

David (NewDawnFades)

Grrr, these little animated guys don't work if you end up on page two.

Cyran0

Anna I'm the same with noises too....I have made escuses so much not to leave my house....my family went out without me today and I feel awful.....

Please know you expressed my feelings too...so well....remember this one thing....YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON......you are a person in pain, we can all get through this together, WE CAN......

please dont be scared, not while you have us here......holding you

Jin xxxxxxxx

Thank you Jinny, NewDawnFades.

I don't know what to turn to right now. I'm trying to take all of your words and use them for motivation. But I am finding this all a bit too much. I am feeling so much anger inside, I want to smash up everything in sight.

I feel sick, I cannot face the pills and drink, which I guess others will be glad of. I have no idea what I've eaten the past few days, so I might be feeling rough from that. I will see what tomorow brings. Probably the feeling of wishing I wasn't alive. The thoughts that I am putting up with life for everyone else, with no purpose. Who knows.

Hi Anna.... sorry to hear you are in that pitiful place. Know it, hate it... just like you. No choice but to survive through it. To see the other side of your thoughts.

Take it one minute at a time and do what you know will help. Pamper yourself and then challenge yourself in rotation for a while. Do a kindness, give a kindness, do a kindness, give a kindness. Plow your way through to the other side of your thinking.

Do things to get the rage out that won't hurt yourself or others. Connect with nature. Go for a walk and just listen to nature. Pick up a rock and feel its strength. Rub it to give it your stress. Go to some running water and splash some on your face. Walk on the grass in your bear feet if its not frozen. Do things differently than before to minister to your sickness.

This quote has lifted a few of us through these kind of days.... don't just weather the storm.... learn to dance in the rain.

May your spirits be lifted and your courage restored. In unity and with the power of unity I lift you up to be restored with new energy and hope.

((((((anna))))) i know what you mean about wanting to smash things. when i get overwhelmed i feel the same way. and guess what, my T told me i could do just that. i was like, "HUH"?

He said to just gather some old useless or broken, no good things together. take them to the garage or outside and have a smashing party!!!! just smash the crap out of it until i felt the anxiety relieving. but i had some rules i had to follow with this exercise as well.
1. do not hurt myself
2. do not hurt anyone else
3. no destruction of property of value

so, my advice, gather up the junk and have yourself a party! sounds crazy, believe me i know. but it is sooo liberating! as long as you follow the three rules there isn't any harm in it.

i hope you feel better soon my friend.
recluse1

Hey recluse? Does it have to be my stuff specifically??? i mean moggles has TONS of stuff I don't need or like...Can I smash his things???? I think I would feel great after that kind of smash party!!!! ~ Melanie

I don't see a point anymore. Your comments are lovely and you are all good people to spend your own time writing to me. But it's wasted on me. I have no point. I will only have a life is I make one, but i am not able. I am sorry to be a disapointment to everyone, for not trying. I caanot figure out where I'm going. I don't have the energy to do anything, I will probably be here in the same place physically and mentally for years to come. Only I'll stop my misery being heard.

Dear Anna,

Please don't give up on yourself or us. My earlier response was sincere and was not a waste of time. Here's the point; For myself, it helps to know that there are those who can articulate the feelings that we are dealing with. I lack that gift of expression. Without you knowing, you really did speak for me. Every single day, I wake up so tired of this seemingly unstoppable force on my shoulders. I fight so hard just to keep in a positive light. When you mentioned that you are basically not going to continue to let us know how you are doing, you are taking a voice away for those of us who need to know that someone else really does know what misery is. But, it is also good to know when you and others are doing well. I understand that I don't know you all that well, but in a direct way and indirect way, you sincerely did help me. If you notice that I don't create my own posts, you will see that what I am telling you is true. So, I had to tell you "thank you", and to not give up. I know one thing, is that you have my respect for having the strength to express those feelings in the first place. There is no pressure here, but simply a message to let you know that people do care about you and what you are going through. Please seek out all positive means to help with the agony. If I am on PC, and you need to vent, PM me. If I am not, you can leave a message, and I will write you back as soon as I can. I know everyone else will feels that way too. Please take good care of yourself,

David (NewDawnFades)

Thank you David, I'm glad you understand me and I have helped you to see what you are feeling in words. You have put things in perspective for me a little.

I didnt want you to think your response was a waste of time by the way, you words are important to me and it is very kind of you to spend time trying to help. Thank you again.

You're welcome Anna. Thank you too. You are appreciated. I hope you are feeling better and always know that I will be here if you need me. Take good care of yourself,



Sincerely,

David (NewDawnFades)