I've been married to my husband for 8 yesrs. During the first couple years of our marriage, our fights tended to turn physical.. with him pushing me to the ground and choking me and holding his hand over my mouth in an attempt to quiet me down. I left once and came back, and he promised to never put his hands on me again.


We do fight a lot, with all our arguments always being my fault because I wasn't being submissive or loving enough, or because I came off as hateful or having an attitude. Almost all of our fights he calls me a *****, stupid, or a terrible wife.

This past Thursday we got into another argument because I guess I had an attitude. I was so fed up.. He kept telling me he hated me and how much of a ***** I was. This doesn't typically hurt me anymore but it just was making me mad. He started getting suicidal and I called him a coward because he was doing this in front of our 2 year old child. He got in my face and I pushed him off. He pushed me to the ground and started choking me, smacking me and pushing my head into the ground with his own head so hard that my face is bruised. After he finally let me up, he made me go upstairs, gave me my firearm and told me he was going to make me kill him (by attacking me). After pleading with him, I finally talked him out of it.

We talked last night and he begged and begged me not to leave. He acknowledged what he did was wrong but said I pushed him there and that men have their breaking points and that you can't keep pushing and pushing and expecting them not to break. He told me he loves me and how he wants us to heal together and that he will never do that again. He said he is not abusive and that he sees real abusive men when he is working (He is a cop). He said abusive men hurt their women frequently over things such as not having dinner ready or interrupting them or paying a bill late and that he has never done that. He actually made me feel bad for calling him abusive .

Today we got into another fight because he said I was not being affectionate and loving after I promised we would heal together. I told him I was sorry but I am trying, I'm just struggling because I really thought he was going to kill me and that happened all less then 48 hours ago. He said a bunch of hurtful things and left for work.

I'm so torn on what to do. I feel terrible leaving because he loves our son and it would absolutely break him if I took him, and I am confident he would kill himself or find me and kill me. I do love this man and when he is happy, he is very sweet. He is super affectionate and I know he would never cheat on me, but I also fear that if I slip up and am not on my best behavior that next time he will kill me.

Has anybody had an abusive spouse who has changed for the better? I thought he had at least with the physical abuse but it all came rushing back.