What to do next

I've been married to my husband for 8 yesrs. During the first couple years of our marriage, our fights tended to turn physical.. with him pushing me to the ground and choking me and holding his hand over my mouth in an attempt to quiet me down. I left once and came back, and he promised to never put his hands on me again.


We do fight a lot, with all our arguments always being my fault because I wasn't being submissive or loving enough, or because I came off as hateful or having an attitude. Almost all of our fights he calls me a *****, stupid, or a terrible wife.

This past Thursday we got into another argument because I guess I had an attitude. I was so fed up.. He kept telling me he hated me and how much of a ***** I was. This doesn't typically hurt me anymore but it just was making me mad. He started getting suicidal and I called him a coward because he was doing this in front of our 2 year old child. He got in my face and I pushed him off. He pushed me to the ground and started choking me, smacking me and pushing my head into the ground with his own head so hard that my face is bruised. After he finally let me up, he made me go upstairs, gave me my firearm and told me he was going to make me kill him (by attacking me). After pleading with him, I finally talked him out of it.

We talked last night and he begged and begged me not to leave. He acknowledged what he did was wrong but said I pushed him there and that men have their breaking points and that you can't keep pushing and pushing and expecting them not to break. He told me he loves me and how he wants us to heal together and that he will never do that again. He said he is not abusive and that he sees real abusive men when he is working (He is a cop). He said abusive men hurt their women frequently over things such as not having dinner ready or interrupting them or paying a bill late and that he has never done that. He actually made me feel bad for calling him abusive .

Today we got into another fight because he said I was not being affectionate and loving after I promised we would heal together. I told him I was sorry but I am trying, I'm just struggling because I really thought he was going to kill me and that happened all less then 48 hours ago. He said a bunch of hurtful things and left for work.

I'm so torn on what to do. I feel terrible leaving because he loves our son and it would absolutely break him if I took him, and I am confident he would kill himself or find me and kill me. I do love this man and when he is happy, he is very sweet. He is super affectionate and I know he would never cheat on me, but I also fear that if I slip up and am not on my best behavior that next time he will kill me.

Has anybody had an abusive spouse who has changed for the better? I thought he had at least with the physical abuse but it all came rushing back.

Generally, no, abusive men do not change and he is absolutely abusive. Don't let him make you feel guilty for calling him abusive. I saw a lot of red flags in your post.

I would do everything I could to find a way to leave, take your son and end the relationship. You need to document any abuse. Take pictures of any bruising. Have you ever called 911 on him? I'm guessing no because he is a cop. Do you have friends or family that you can reach out to?

You may want to reach out to a domestic abuse hotline or a shelter in your area. They would be able to help you form a plan.

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

It was twenty years ago, but I could have told this same story almost verbatim. No, they don't change, sorry. I will give you this link....I hope it helps. https://www.domesticshelters.org/med...8f4a13adaa046c

It was a father in my case, not a spouse. No, they don't change. They just pretend for a while, to get you to stay.

You owe it to the children to leave forever.

Do you really think you are succeeding in providing a safe space for them? It's the number one thing a parent should do. Make them safe. You are both failing horribly at this.

He is not going to change. He is an extremely dangerous man. Choking you is a sign that your risk of death is high. Take the online Mosaic Threat Assessment to determine your risk. https://www.mosaicmethod.com
Visit a domestic violence agency and put together a safety plan. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time. I wish you all the best for safely getting away from him. I'm really worried about you.

He is absolutely abusive, and your son saw him almost kill you. He is an abuser, and bay letting your son see he is also traumatizing your son. You need to make a safety plan and get out of there as soon and as safely as you can.

Playing Their Part: How an Abusive Partner?s ?Good? Behavior is Part of the Act ? The National Domestic Violence Hotline

SEEMING nice isn't unusual for abusers.

You don't cause/MAKE him do anything, or abusing you. He is a classic abuser; blaming the victim. The terrible thing is that is is also abusing your child. You can call the domestic violence hotline. He could kill yu eventually.

He doesn't love his son; fathers don't abuse; he is teaching your son that his behavior is okay. Please get help. I stayed for 31 years; he didnt change.

One sentence helped me get out..."Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself....win." Abusers rarely change unless they think they have a problem; they think everything is someone else's fault

This can be a very dangerous situation for you and your son. I am worried about you and for your son.
Abusers will not change, if they don't get help and even with therapy they need time to accept responsibility for their actions and a willingness to change and work hard on themselves.
Choking is a very serious sign that it can lead to very serious injury and it is one of the warning sign of domestic violence that increases the chances of death. Abusers who choke or suffocate their partner 75 percent more likely to eventually kill them.
Your priority should be to make sure you have an escape plan to keep your child and yourself safe.
I understand it is very difficult to leave, I have been where you are.
You are not alone, and we are always here to support you.
Please also call the domestic assault hotline in your area and talk to a counsellor.