Have you ever tried to hold sand? Just grab a handful. Nothing you do can prevent it from spilling out if your hand. Yet by instinct you hold in tighter as it falls. That's how I feel right now. I struggle to hold on to what I have yet it still continues to pour out of my hand. I feel so overwhelmed right now. I don't really know how to put it into words. I don't know why I'm so F'd up.