I'm just not doing well again because of the depression.

I prefer isolation these days. I'm too depressed to do anything except sleep. Being awake exhausts me. Physically, I can't get out of bed, I can't walk, I feel like collapsing. My sleeping is all over the place. I want to quit my job. I just can't anymore.

A recent relationship failure has made me realize I'm more screwed up than I thought in that department. I am completely incapable. I'm terrified of men. I'm terrified and confused about how to care about people. I want to hide.

I am terrified of life. I am tired of pretending otherwise.

I'm completely damaged, mentally, socially, sexually, emotionally. I don't see myself as capable of a good career or relationship.

Overall, I am just too tired to keep going. I have no thoughts, I feel empty and exhausted. If I had more energy, I would kill myself.

It has been this way for years, a decade, even.

Why do people keep me around if I am too weak to do things or make decisions?

Thanksgiving is coming and I might just decline an invitation. I want to be alone. Maybe I'll finally kill myself. There was never any point. I have always been completely alone and terrified and misunderstood.

And no one cares. No one has ever cared. I don't care either.