Depressed

I'm just not doing well again because of the depression.

I prefer isolation these days. I'm too depressed to do anything except sleep. Being awake exhausts me. Physically, I can't get out of bed, I can't walk, I feel like collapsing. My sleeping is all over the place. I want to quit my job. I just can't anymore.

A recent relationship failure has made me realize I'm more screwed up than I thought in that department. I am completely incapable. I'm terrified of men. I'm terrified and confused about how to care about people. I want to hide.

I am terrified of life. I am tired of pretending otherwise.

I'm completely damaged, mentally, socially, sexually, emotionally. I don't see myself as capable of a good career or relationship.

Overall, I am just too tired to keep going. I have no thoughts, I feel empty and exhausted. If I had more energy, I would kill myself.

It has been this way for years, a decade, even.

Why do people keep me around if I am too weak to do things or make decisions?

Thanksgiving is coming and I might just decline an invitation. I want to be alone. Maybe I'll finally kill myself. There was never any point. I have always been completely alone and terrified and misunderstood.

And no one cares. No one has ever cared. I don't care either.

Don't do anything rash. I do care. I'll write to you in more detail soon.
Till then take care

I care...I always want to reach out but you seem to be more hands off so I hold off. Please remind me, are you getting help for your depression? Your post is heartbreaking. I don’t know what to say to help you feel better but I’d like to offer my support. I’m here if you want to talk/vent. Sending big hugs.

Things WILL get better and you know that. It is an average behavior to question oneself and fall into a dark pit while grieving the loss of a relationship. Please be kind to yourself. You did not fail nor you are messed up in that dept. There are many messed up people who find love and are in relationships. Relations are very very difficult and when they fail, they fall apart on their own not because of the mistakes.
Similar to you. I have spent the entire 2017 in bed, traumatized over grief and loss without any support, until I decided to see my T.
Depression lies to you. Please remember that.
It will get better. I promise. Please do not entertain the negative thoughts; but embrace the positive ones.
We do care about you. I don’t know you but I care about you.
Please keep on sharing.

We care, and you do have value.. I'm sorry you just don't see it.

Hey Emptynightmare. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I'm not sure what happened but it sounds like you were hurt by the end of a relationship and I can completely relate. And, men ARE scary. I was talking to my good friend the other day and she is a lesbian. She said "I feel sorry for all you straight women because you have to be attracted to men!" (no offense to anybody here) I really want you to know though, that it makes sense to be completely and utterly depressed after the ending of a relationship. We are here for you. When I am at my most depressed, I have those exact same thoughts you are talking about ("nobody cares about me"). Don't believe it. Depression lies.

I’m sorry I think relationship was a misleading word. It was more like a friendship. And things were great but I ended it because I’m stupid and screwed up. Just wanted to clear that up. That’s all I’m going to say about that friendship here, I just didn’t feel right about the nature of it being misunderstood.

I am terrified of men and am sexually damaged but that doesn’t have anything to do with my friendship.

Even on a fundamental, platonic level, I’m confused and messed up.

Thank you to everyone for responding. I will try to keep your thoughts with me as I go about my day.

I just feel unwell because of both the end of the friendship but also other things that have been going on more severely and for longer than I care to admit.