I completely relate to everything you’ve said. My pattern is to wait until I’ve already done something damaging and THEN seek help, often because it is forced upon me at that point. It definitely stems from childhood for me. I also think I am attention seeking and that I know what my team is going to say or do so what’s the point. This summer was the first time I actually called my provider for an earlier appointment instead of white knuckling through until my assigned appointment. The reason is I am a single mother and my son would suffer if anything happened to me. I tried fervently to avoid inpatient by getting help as soon as possible. Unfortunately for me, i decompensated too quickly, but I still feel better knowing I tried.

I also relate to putting that mask on. I am rarely honest with anyone. I wasn’t even honest with my husband when he was alive. I live with my mom and she has no idea I am suffering from terrible, unrelenting mood swings right now. Yesterday I was laying on the couch dreaming of suicide, but when she came downstairs, I sat up and chatted and joked like nothing was wrong. When she left I fell right back down into despair. The only one I’m honest with, and only through text, is my sister in law. She will be here in a little while to babysit me because I told her I didn’t think I could go on, but still, in person I will act like I never said the things I said through text.

It’s a problem because it makes it difficult to be honest with my treatment team as well. However sometimes now I suffer from the opposite; I am TOO honest and I scare them and they lock me up. My program therapist seems to not be swayed by my threats and gestures right now, which is good as I couldn’t afford another IP stay, what with the holidays coming up. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Anyway I just really just had to learn that it’s not shameful to need help sometimes. I hope you do too. You’re worth it.