Doctor's orders

* Maybe trigger

In therapy today we discussed the fact that I always wait until an episode is pretty much over or out of control to get help. Does anyone else have this problem? I just don't want to appear needy, you know? It sounds so stereotypical to be constantly bugging them. So I try to solve the problem on my own. My husband sometimes has to rationalize with me because I'm like, "I know what they are going to say, I know what they are going to tell me to do, I just have to figure out a way to do it." Its not super healthy I guess. We also discussed how I don't usually reach out to friends and family and prefer to keep a distance as to not upset them when I have an episode and can't contact them as often. In addition, I let people that don't know me assume I'm incompetent as opposed to sick as its just more simplistic. I'd rather people think I'm stupid or flakey than have them know I can't focus because I'm bouncing off the way or change my mind about things at the last minute or feel so depressed I can barely make it through the day. Do you let people assume you are dumb? I think its much easier, though it doesn't really lead to close relationships. I just am constantly lying, how could I be honest you know. I feel like I'm putting on an act constantly. Keep smiling, even when I'm eyeing a bottle of bleach on a shelf trying not to listen to commands. Contain your urge to sing and bob to the music playing in the background. Don't think about the fact that you were talking to objects last night. Contain, compartmentalize, keep swimming, breathe. Someone asks about your day, don't tell them your absolutely insane. Try not to slam doors and get irritated at co-workers... think normal, act normal, keep composure. It gets tiring but what can you do, just talk yourself into normalcy until you get home and hell breaks loose.

Last night, I slept for four hours but i woke up twice so.. does it count?
Therapist says she thinks this is the beginning. The waves of euphoria are just a preview to the big show. Increase your dosage of your AP so that you sleep. I feel fine, I don't especially want to sleep tonight. I wonder if I'll even be tired by then. I feel just fine right now, alert and awake. I want to play not do school work. Ahhh but I have to... the struggle. Can I just go drinking? No, Responsibilities call.... ugh

My therapist thinks I have type 1 but it hasn't been officially noted. Currently, BP2 with psychotic features is the DX. I wonder if they changed it but just didn't tell me. Ehh.. I'm procrastinating.

I think you know you need to seek treatment as soon as you recognize the symptoms. It can't be gratifying to have people think you're stupid or incompetent. You limit your ability to interact with interesting people and to be given challenges within your real ability.

I was hospitalized in September for a meltdown. One of the things I'm working on in therapy is how to recognize the signs of impeding doom and manage it before I fall apart. I think its important.

I completely relate to everything you’ve said. My pattern is to wait until I’ve already done something damaging and THEN seek help, often because it is forced upon me at that point. It definitely stems from childhood for me. I also think I am attention seeking and that I know what my team is going to say or do so what’s the point. This summer was the first time I actually called my provider for an earlier appointment instead of white knuckling through until my assigned appointment. The reason is I am a single mother and my son would suffer if anything happened to me. I tried fervently to avoid inpatient by getting help as soon as possible. Unfortunately for me, i decompensated too quickly, but I still feel better knowing I tried.

I also relate to putting that mask on. I am rarely honest with anyone. I wasn’t even honest with my husband when he was alive. I live with my mom and she has no idea I am suffering from terrible, unrelenting mood swings right now. Yesterday I was laying on the couch dreaming of suicide, but when she came downstairs, I sat up and chatted and joked like nothing was wrong. When she left I fell right back down into despair. The only one I’m honest with, and only through text, is my sister in law. She will be here in a little while to babysit me because I told her I didn’t think I could go on, but still, in person I will act like I never said the things I said through text.

It’s a problem because it makes it difficult to be honest with my treatment team as well. However sometimes now I suffer from the opposite; I am TOO honest and I scare them and they lock me up. My program therapist seems to not be swayed by my threats and gestures right now, which is good as I couldn’t afford another IP stay, what with the holidays coming up. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Anyway I just really just had to learn that it’s not shameful to need help sometimes. I hope you do too. You’re worth it.

Yes, you're right - of course. It's the logic vs. feeling/sensation struggle. Usually i'm very responsible.. to a fault but it gets challenging occasionally. It's not helpful to wait until the tipping point. My therapist was proud of me for reaching out before it was too late. Well, hopefully before it is too late. I have so many symptoms I recognize and have prepared for, its really silly to compile them and not use them. I am trying, it's a learning thing - a barrier I have to overcome.

It surely isn't gratifying to be perceived as incompetent but it's usually in my mind the lesser of two evils. I have tried a few times to be more open, it usually doesn't end well. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. I have to think more on this. My work specifically could fire me, possibly legally for being unwell... so maybe when I switch fields after my degree it will be more realistic. As for my inter personal life, I guess I would have to learn to trust people or depend on them... which I don't usually.

hmm

Yes, very important... just the doing it...so difficult

Thank you

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one with this struggle. Thanks for sharing.

I too wait, give it another day, oh wait one more day. On and on I go. I hate asking for help or if I ask for help was it to soon. I even hide it from family and friends.

I have even lied to docs and than have to turn around and tell them I lied. I feel like it will get better on it's own. I get the failure feelings, you will be looked down upon.

Its a circle that I want out of so bad, but have not been able too.

I can relate, Aliceiw.
Thanks for your post.

WC