i have to do something for people in order for me to be their friend. Also, when i tell them truth about women they call me arrogant yet never get laid. I am not a manipulative person yet for the past years i have been guilted into doing things i dont like by my parents, friends, exes and my depression has been termed as manipulation. Im certainly not trying to manipulate anyone. I listen to my women friends thinking that they want to be heard but when i have a problem, noone comes forward. I am overly sensitive since i was a kid.


My mom is a religious house wife who took me to church everyday, made me feed the leapers and the handicapped. I couldnt eat food without feeding dogs first yet people always used to bully me when i showed them my weakness and always take advantage of me. They used to beat my dog in front of me and i wasnt able to do anything. I used to get dogs from the streets and feed them food but my mom used to throw them out. I used to give food to the homeless and wanted to talk to them but people made me so guilty to even carry this empathy. I became tougher after years of burning myself and hitting myself for feeling this way. My mom was not empathetic at all. She just did these things cause people looked upto her, not cause she felt good. She felt like playing god to others.


I am so embittered by life that i have become really angry and bitter. I feel like killing all the bullies who did wrong to me, didnt respond to me and the girls who took advantage of me for years. Problem is that we cant really change who we are from the inside. I am still really really sensitive. I like to put myself in a bad spot in order to help people and people mistake it for manipulation if i am sick and say no. I have gone into isolation and am not meeting anyone. I try to be on everyones good books. My classmates graduated from college and went on to get their masters from Harvard/ princeton while i was in the psych ward. Noone asked me how i was and what i was doing. NOONE except for a guy i didnt even know. I look at porn in which a girl is being illtreated and i feel miserable. How can anyone bear that much amount of torture and disgrace. My classmates made me watch a lot of gore which numbed me and i cried for years listening to the song "where the streets have no name" by U2. I have never been happy unless i was drunk. Never. Prozac worked for a bit but my sadness has returned.


I have been diagnosed as being bipolar by various docs but am not taking mood stabilizers as people have told me that they do more harm than good.

How can i just be dependent on myself for my happiness and not on anyone else. Not my friend, not my parents or my therapist? What do i do? I have isolated myself so that the world doesnt hurt me anymore. Feel like killing myself.