How do i become more self sufficient and stop depending on people for my happiness?

i have to do something for people in order for me to be their friend. Also, when i tell them truth about women they call me arrogant yet never get laid. I am not a manipulative person yet for the past years i have been guilted into doing things i dont like by my parents, friends, exes and my depression has been termed as manipulation. Im certainly not trying to manipulate anyone. I listen to my women friends thinking that they want to be heard but when i have a problem, noone comes forward. I am overly sensitive since i was a kid.

My mom is a religious house wife who took me to church everyday, made me feed the leapers and the handicapped. I couldnt eat food without feeding dogs first yet people always used to bully me when i showed them my weakness and always take advantage of me. They used to beat my dog in front of me and i wasnt able to do anything. I used to get dogs from the streets and feed them food but my mom used to throw them out. I used to give food to the homeless and wanted to talk to them but people made me so guilty to even carry this empathy. I became tougher after years of burning myself and hitting myself for feeling this way. My mom was not empathetic at all. She just did these things cause people looked upto her, not cause she felt good. She felt like playing god to others.

I am so embittered by life that i have become really angry and bitter. I feel like killing all the bullies who did wrong to me, didnt respond to me and the girls who took advantage of me for years. Problem is that we cant really change who we are from the inside. I am still really really sensitive. I like to put myself in a bad spot in order to help people and people mistake it for manipulation if i am sick and say no. I have gone into isolation and am not meeting anyone. I try to be on everyones good books. My classmates graduated from college and went on to get their masters from Harvard/ princeton while i was in the psych ward. Noone asked me how i was and what i was doing. NOONE except for a guy i didnt even know. I look at porn in which a girl is being illtreated and i feel miserable. How can anyone bear that much amount of torture and disgrace. My classmates made me watch a lot of gore which numbed me and i cried for years listening to the song "where the streets have no name" by U2. I have never been happy unless i was drunk. Never. Prozac worked for a bit but my sadness has returned.

I have been diagnosed as being bipolar by various docs but am not taking mood stabilizers as people have told me that they do more harm than good.
How can i just be dependent on myself for my happiness and not on anyone else. Not my friend, not my parents or my therapist? What do i do? I have isolated myself so that the world doesnt hurt me anymore. Feel like killing myself.

Dare I ask what the truth about women is, as you see it?

Also who is giving you advice on mood stabilizers? My meds literally saved my life.

As far as being happy, everyone is different. Do things you love. Hang around people who build you up and make you happy. Try to find enjoyment in the little things. Don't ever give up.

prozac saved my life too. You can look at the subreddit that i followed when i was 18. It was called the red pill but i dont follow it anymore. It is filled with misogynistic guys but honestly, it did make a good impact on me for a while. I started gymming, stopped giving two cents about what others thought about me, got into my first relationship and got a lot of women after that. OFc, now my party days are behind me, im focussing more on studies and staying in mostly. My therapist did change a lot of my outlook on women but maybe i was cheated on and it was probably my fault. Just hate my life.
It's hard controlling the myriad of emotions i feel and trying to make ppl happy and prove myself

I looked up that site. Interesting. I see why that would cause problems. Stop trying to make people happy and prove yourself. Focus on your own happiness and taking care of you. Figure out what you want and go for it!

Blaming others will give them power over your life. Try to take responsibility and then learn from screw ups. If you take responsibility then you can change choices you make. You cannot control outcomes- there are no guarantees. But we can choose your response to bad outcomes. Best of luck. This comes from 10 years of therapy, and 20 years of determination to break dysfunctional family cycles. To me- healthy= happy.

It seems like you are already a very self sufficient person. Based on what you shared, you have been living the life of an outsider for the most part. That is a very self sufficient behavior.
Just the fact that you want genuine human connection and want to love and be loved, doesn’t mean you are not a self sufficient or person.
I can identify with majority of what your concerns and frustrations (although I am a 40 year old female and I do also get called out for telling the reality about guys )
I think you are smart enough to know that while isolating yourself from people provides temporary protection, it is not the solution to address your struggles, definitely not in the long run.
I suggest that you (by the way I feel like a hypocrite by making this suggestion because I too suffer from interpersonal relationships.). You may want to revisit your expectations of people, be it friends, family or a significant other. Also, everybody has a different ability and/or limitations as to how much they can contribute to a friendship or any sort of relationship. Once people get used to receiving and if the friendship is already based on you providing and them receiving it would be difficult to reverse that dynamic.