Hello Sevensong: Thanks for sharing this. I wanted to wish you all the best in your efforts to heal. I'm no longer on med's nor do I see a therapist. So I think I have some sense of what you're dealing with.

Since you have an interest in such things as meditation, I'd like to suggest that, if you're not familiar with her, you might consider reading some of the books that are available by the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön. Pema writes about the ancient Tibetan Buddhist practices called "Lojong" or "mind training". She didn't think any of this up. The practice has been evolving in Tibet for at least the past 2,500 years. And the thing I particularly love about Pema's teachings is that her books offer pretty-much a complete "program" or way to proceed. And it's all presented very simply & clearly.

Pema has a number of books in print. The one I always recommend in particular is: Start Where You Are- A Guide to Compassionate Living. However, another of her books that presents kind-of an overview of the whole Lojong practice is a book I'm currently re-reading: Comfortable With Uncertainty- 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion. All of Pema's books are published by Shambhala Publications. So, if you're interested in finding a "system" rather than pursuing things on a "trial-&-error" sort of basis, I think the Lojong teachings might be something that would be of interest.

One thing I have found in my own practice though is that one does have to read & re-read these books over-&-over, underline significant passages, dog-ear important pages, etc., etc.. Over time, the teachings seep deeper & deeper into inner recesses of one's mind & begin to become second nature. If one simply reads one or two of the books & sets them aside then they are just another book.