So Sad...

I don't know what the hell is wrong.

Well, a hell of a lot... :/

But I mean immediately, today...

I tend to lose touch with my emotions, a habit I'm trying to reverse. About two weeks ago I really started trying to heal again. I've been trying self-work (totally confused how to go about it, and frustrated with my scattered efforts), inner child work (same, though I think I've got the attitudes right), meditation, sound healing, tried a few mantras last night.

I'm in a painful, disrespectful living situation right now which doesn't help. (They're running AC on Christmas Day, know I'm trying to avoid getting sick...)
But thankfully I can move soon, hopefully tomorrow, to live with a very nice, healthy roommate.

I'm really dedicated to healing, and staying on the path. This time I know I've reached some sort of critical mass that will let me see it through. And I've made all kinds of promises to my inner child.

I guess this is one of those moments where they say you have to be strong and just use your will power and perseverance to keep your commitments. I don't know what I do feel like doing, but not braving it.

Bawling, maybe. But I can't cry. And I wouldn't with those bozos right outside my door able to hear me, anyway.

I just finished an online course to get a new certification for a job I'm starting in two months. Very proud of my accomplishment.

Why do I feel so sad? Why now? Because it's Christmas? I tend to think not.

Maybe it's because I've been listening to 396 Hz Solfeggio frequency for hours. I've used 432 Hz, and others, which had amazing results (seriously, it floored me how fast it worked). But with this one, I don't know. It helped a lot to clear my mind, but they say it can also "bring up feelings you need to process." That I'm supposed to let myself feel it and let it go. Well, I don't know. It seems to get better when I acknowledge it, but then it comes back when I move on to activities.

I do have a habit of burying unpleasant emotions, so maybe that's it. I wish I could afford a therapist to help me with this stuff. I desperately want a guide, especially in this healing/"New Age" type stuff (no offense, since I'm into it I guess, but it's so different and I don't know what else to call it), but I don't have the money to pay one.

I so want to move tomorrow, but with the AC blasting, I don't want to move around to finish packing. I know I shouldn't focus on that.

I guess maybe I'm just overwhelmed by a lot of negative emotions buried too long...fear, loneliness, despair, pain upon pain upon pain from old and recent wounds...

I don't know what to do!

Thanks for reading. I'm not sure what I wanted with this except maybe some support or to feel less alone. I've got a long road ahead of me, and it scares me sometimes to think how much of it I'm going to have to continue climbing alone until my hard "self-work" starts paying off. I don't know how I'm going to find the strength, courage, hope, and inner resources to make it. But I know I have to if I ever want to change my life -- and I DO.

Hello Sevensong: Thanks for sharing this. I wanted to wish you all the best in your efforts to heal. I'm no longer on med's nor do I see a therapist. So I think I have some sense of what you're dealing with.

Since you have an interest in such things as meditation, I'd like to suggest that, if you're not familiar with her, you might consider reading some of the books that are available by the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön. Pema writes about the ancient Tibetan Buddhist practices called "Lojong" or "mind training". She didn't think any of this up. The practice has been evolving in Tibet for at least the past 2,500 years. And the thing I particularly love about Pema's teachings is that her books offer pretty-much a complete "program" or way to proceed. And it's all presented very simply & clearly.

Pema has a number of books in print. The one I always recommend in particular is: Start Where You Are- A Guide to Compassionate Living. However, another of her books that presents kind-of an overview of the whole Lojong practice is a book I'm currently re-reading: Comfortable With Uncertainty- 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion. All of Pema's books are published by Shambhala Publications. So, if you're interested in finding a "system" rather than pursuing things on a "trial-&-error" sort of basis, I think the Lojong teachings might be something that would be of interest.

One thing I have found in my own practice though is that one does have to read & re-read these books over-&-over, underline significant passages, dog-ear important pages, etc., etc.. Over time, the teachings seep deeper & deeper into inner recesses of one's mind & begin to become second nature. If one simply reads one or two of the books & sets them aside then they are just another book.

[QUOTE=Sevensong;5955330]

[Quote] Thanks for reading. I'm not sure what I wanted with this except maybe some support or to feel less alone. I've got a long road ahead of me, and it scares me sometimes to think how much of it I'm going to have to continue climbing alone until my hard "self-work" starts paying off. I don't know how I'm going to find the strength, courage, hope, and inner resources to make it. But I know I have to if I ever want to change my life -- and I DO. [ Quote ]

Your last passage sums things up well. You do have work to do but be kind to yourself in the process ! Your trying. Sometimes we have to try many different methods in order to find what works for us. The main thing is never to give up.
Fight through the emotional pain. Life is a journey. We need to take it all in.
Good and bad. It’s what makes us stronger.
Skeeyks gives some very good advice. I’m going to look into it myself.
Eastern philosophy and teaching have much to offer the troubled western modern mind. You can get your “payoff “ right now , by just hanging in there and sharing and working different methods. Live in the moment. Don’t worry about next week or year. Just today.
You said you don’t know where your going to find the strength you need, you will
surprisingly find it within yourself !!!
Hang tough and your life will improve and you will start to feel better.
Best to you my friend in pain.

I could totally relate to your post. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. It's hard. Sounds like you have some painful things to work through. I have cornered the market on self help books and I always seem to get to a point where suddenly I am facing off with pain again and I can't stop crying. My son is a teacher and a certified Yoga instructor. He said I can't go around or over or avoid the pain, I have to go through it little by little. He gave me a Yoga book because I completely lost my spiritual self-religion I practiced two years ago and have been floundering with finding spiritual guidance. I was reading this book and I got to the third or fourth chapter and it said: Love is what is left when you've let go of all the things you love . Well, my family's love is all I have I don't have anything else anymore, no God, no angels. And I started crying. I told my son if I let go of my family's love I will have nothing, just be a shell with a brain and organs inside breathing air. He said I am supposed to feel that and stay with it until I have spiritual guidance. I don't know how to do that so am checking into books, but all the Buddhist books make sense for healing I just don't know if I can be Buddhist. Jean (2hope4)