I feel very confused. I feel like I failed and should have played my hand of cards differently so to speak. I have ALWAYS tried to see toxic behaviors as "hurt people hurt people". I grew up knowing that when my older brother could not take the abuse anymore and needed to vent that when I ran and hid from him a deep part of me always knew it was not his fault. I used to have these very tall pine trees that I would run to and climb and hide in and as I was way up high in them where he never found me that I sat there and waited until my mother came home and I prayed for something to happen that would help him so I would not have to run and hide the way I was. Dinnertime always made it safe to finally climb down. I was so high up in this pine tree that the wind made that part sway too. I sat there and prayed and I used to think god was rocking me and helped me find those trees so I could find safety. I always LOVED pine trees and I think that is part of why I like to have the decorations of artificial pine bows with twinkle lights always on my mantle above my fireplace. I also have them in the rod iron chandelier and in them I have these old fashioned carousel horses. That to me reminds me of three things I loved, pine trees, ponies, and the carousel that was always my favorite ride at fairs. Most would think that I am too lazy and that I should remove these things after Christmas is over. But it's not about Christmas, it's about having something that brings me a sense of "comfort". I love the smell of pine trees NOT because of Christmas, but because of how that smell was around me when I was up in those trees that hid me and I felt SAFE.

The only problem I had when I was in that tree though was BEING COLD. Looking back on that I think that is how I caught pneumonia and almost died and I was put in the bath tub full of ice and cold water. My body never forgot that so when something happens that is traumatic to me or I suffer a bad trigger, I get the chills really bad.

All those years being traumatized every day suddenly got more bearable because my parents finally gave in and gave me a pony. I did not have to run to the trees anymore, instead I would get off the bus and run to my pony and climb on his back and ride him away and down the street and into a patch of woods on a trail. That pony was a presence for me that I would talk to about the bad things I was seeing and experiencing that I did not know what to do about. He was WARM and I could hug him and FEEL comforted. Finally OE had a friend of her own and a good friend that pony was for me.

My business that I created was my way of SHARING my ponies with young children in a very positive way. Now it is being recognized how these animals can be so therapeutic and they embrace that with all these places now that offer therapeutic riding and programs with these animals. I had been doing that long before it was finally recognized and so many places came to be to offer this therapy. When I first got my farm, it was not a farm at all, it was just a dated house with a small yard and pond in the front and no barns or riding ring and it was very overgrown. I bought a pair of clippers and as soon as the leaves feel off of everything I would go out every day and clip away everything I could, bryers and prickers galore, poison ivy and shumack. My husband can't go near poison ivy so I would clear it all away so he could cut down the bigger things with his chainsaw. I was constantly working at it and it slowly and gradually took shape. I spent days and months building a stone wall so that when I used the riding ring we finally got to create, the wall would be high enough so the ponies would not spook if anything was in the woods while I worked with the very young children I was teaching in my ring. My first little horse trailer was old but in decent condition and I began to learn how to drive my husband's small pickup truck that was a standard. My husband was a horrible teacher when it came to showing me how to drive a standard.
So my father took me out to a huge parking lot and helped me get my bearings in feeling how and when to shift. Then I had to practice driving this standard truck while hauling this trailer too. Then I had to teach the ponies I had to be ok with trailering, then I had to teach these ponies to get comfortable with going all different places.

Then I had to teach these ponies how to be good for very young children who I was teaching how to ride too. Truth is, so many people have no idea how much one can form a deep bond when it comes to putting a great deal of time into teaching a pony to do all the things I did with them. I used to take my pony out to families that had children with some huge challenges and some had severe handicaps and my ponies had to be really patient and bombproof while I had these severely handicapped children on them, often with their parents on each side holding them up so they can experience what it's like to sit on a pony. When it came to getting paid, it was not huge, what was huge to me was seeing how all these different children felt the way I did when my parents finally gave me my own pony and at a time in my own life when I too suffered a huge handicap that I hid. It's very powerful to have a way to put a child suffering from a rare disease where as he was growing his brain was disappearing and yet I was able to help his parents give him a chance to feel what's like to ride a pony and I get to see him "smile". I had these special children that I would visit every year, some of them did not live a full life, but they all got to enjoy something special when I brought my pony to visit them. I never lost sight of how I would not be able to do that without the amazing little pony that became such an amazing partner for me to bring something special to all these children. My ponies were NEVER just objects to me. All the children I spent time with were taught to SEE my ponies as a living being and never to be considered as some "object". All my ponies became very trusting and kind. I have had vets and farriers comment on how of all the places they had been, they never experienced ponies and horses that were like mine. Actually, when I was dealing with all that mess I had found a new vet that was a woman, she was actually so beautiful I was quite taken back when I first laid eyes on her. One time when she was out and going around to vaccinate and spend time with all my ponies she came right up to me and put her hands on my arms and look at me in such a serious way and she said, "I just have to tell you this, I have been around all kinds of ponies and horses in all kinds of barns and NEVER have I seen animals so loving and trusting and gentle like I have experienced in handling yours".

When I lost so much of what I had and it broke me and I kept getting responses from psychiatrists and therapists that I even have in writing where they felt I over valued what I had lost and was too "grandiose"? What that veterinarian gave me that day meant more to me than she will EVER know. And the one thing this veterinarian made a huge point to say to me in such a serious way was "Your ponies REALLY LOVE YOU, and I have never seen anything like this in all my years".

There is a big part of me that never forgot all the prayers I said for my older brother. A big part of me that with every bad thing I witnessed felt that missing piece that I wanted to be a presence that "gave" that missing piece that I saw missing and my main focus was on young children and also my ponies. I also NEVER forgot seeing my mother pacing the floors after my older brother disappeared behind that door when they took him to see that psychiatrist. She kept crying and repeating, "this is wrong, this is wrong, you are supposed to love and coddle your child, not punish him and not coddle him the way this psychiatrist is saying to do with him". And I knew SHE WAS RIGHT and I kept seeing how badly my brother was being treated and how he had no one, and even though my sister threatened me she would be mean to me if I was nice to him, I did not listen and I became his ONLY friend. And one thing I always knew is how the beginning is very important. I always knew when it comes to children that you never get a redo, you can't go backwards and it's so important to understand that when it comes to little children and being a parent. There have been many times I sat on the phone and talked to young parents about that too. The parents that really understood that were the parents that had these severely handicapped children, some of which would not live to see adulthood. I met a young little boy one time that was def and blind. I had my pony that was so amazing and she had a little trot that was so perfect because it was just enough to feel "more" without the child feeling like they were going to fall off. So I managed to find a way to prepare this little boy for this little trot and then when I did it this little boy laughed and laughed and even though he was lacking so much, he showed me JOY. Tell me is that not "priceless"?