How Xmas shopping got too hard.

I have been trying to get myself together to go out Christmas shopping and I had not been doing well at all. I have a very hard time when it comes to the holidays. I used to enjoy the holidays, yet the holidays do tend to bring on their own different stresses. There is this picture of how to celebrate the holidays with family and friends, and this idea that if one can capture this picture of the ideal gathering, that person is doing well and is lucky. The holidays are times where we take a time out so we can actually make time for our family and friends and be thankful in some way and to extend ourselves to others to let them know we are thankful they have been a part of our lives. A time to be thankful and "bring joy".

Well, the way things have gotten so toxic I don't have a healthy connection to the holidays. In fact, I can get literally flooded when it comes to the holidays, flooded with triggers and emotional confusion. I have even felt and came right out and said yesterday, "all I want for Christmas is to not have to do Christmas".

With the way things have been in my family since I experienced all that loss and developed PTSD I began to face even more losses and dysfunction. With that the holidays began to become more and more of a challenge. Whatever I thought I had that I thought came close to experiencing that "ideal" of each holiday just turned into losses that built up. It wasn't just the changes I was facing within my family but how going shopping changed from the places I used to go for years where I always had luck finding just the right gifts, to suddenly having those gone too. I don't know about anybody else, but I like to "see" and "feel" what I am buying and giving as a gift. When you have certain places you can go where you get to have that and walk away satisfied and then that is suddenly taken away or is gone, it can be extra triggering when so many other things in your life have changed and you are trying so hard to figure out how to accept it while struggling with PTSD.

This year has been extra hard because of how hard last year was. Yet, this year is coming with losses that I honestly don't know how to wrap my mind around along with all the very challenged emotions I have. So much has happened in the past year and a half alone that have changed the picture I thought I had that I have not been able to process it all. How my parents had declined, how my older sister had been so controlling and possessive and mean, and then having my older brother come back into my life. I have had so many flashbacks and confusion that I got overwhelmed and because I was so overwhelmed and confused by all these flashbacks coming forward I withdrew because I honestly have not felt "safe" to engage as much as I used to because of how this thing called complex PTSD has pretty much knocked me down where I have to sit with it and figure it out somehow so it doesn't knock me down in a way where it catches me completely off guard.

One of the things that constantly is said to me is "what you get caught up in is NOT IN THE NOW". And then I get comments that come down hard on me with anger and blame when I get triggered and all these flashes hit me and I can't collect myself. I remember when I was seeing the therapist that helped me the most that I wanted him to help me with all that I was dealing with that was overwhelming me in the NOW. Even when I did break down, and I literally was so overwhelmed by the now that caused me to experience what is called a post traumatic breakdown, I wanted "grief counseling and rest" and I did not get that, and what I did get was a constant message that I was wrong for having so much grief about all that I had lost IN THE NOW.

If I just think about that, how everything about me in my own world was invaded, destroyed and violated so badly, that is probably what contributed to so many other things in my past where I experienced "losses" suddenly coming forward and crippling me. That did not happen right away, and I believe that if I had gotten the right help I would have been able to slowly regain the resilience I had managed to regain with all the traumatic things I had experienced in my past. I think that the one thing I kept hearing and was constantly expected to focus on was "HISTORY".

Instead of getting what I had consistently begged for which was REST and GRIEF COUNSELING, I may have been able to begin finding my way towards processing all the loss I had experienced and then moving forward in spite of it. The one thing I still carry in me is how I never got what I had asked for and instead all I faced was "more and more and more" LOSS and "invasion" and I feel like a part of me has gone without sleep for days on end, no weeks on end that turned into YEARS on end.

I did not start having the flashback invasions until the beginning of 2011ish, the flashback invasions that came forward from my past and childhood. The loss I experienced that overwhelmed me so much that I experienced a post traumatic breakdown happened in 2007. I did have flashbacks about what I lost, but I did not have flashbacks from my past. While I kept trying so hard to get help for the NOW, all I kept facing from both therapists AND a lawyer and anyone else that failed to respect my need to regain my boundaries and effort to feel safe as well as TRY to handle the huge change to everything I had created was HISTORY, HISTORY, HISTORY. I ended up with a great deal of debt that changed everything I had managed before to not being able to get near how I had managed and live my life before all the loss. And what I ended up getting with that too was "history, history, history" and how all that I had managed to create was managed by also maintaining a decent credit history.

One of the constant challenges I faced with my need to get true REST AND GRIEF COUNSELING, was how I had to literally PROVE I actually deserved to FEEL I had a right to be feeling such a loss and that I had a right to actually VALUE what I lost. The other thing I experienced in this was the constant message of "what are you worth where I can profit from your loss". The message I got a lot is "I will care about you if I get a financial reward for doing so and I can see a gain for myself if I give you that feeling that you have a right to feel your loss".

I know I began with wanting to talk about the horrible day I had yesterday that revolved around my attempt to JUST find my way to get out and go Christmas shopping. Truth is I don't know HOW to do that anymore without it having a bad affect on me on so many different levels. And I did not know how to find my way to articulate that to my husband and NOT have him react in a way that would only add to my challenge of actually getting in the shower, finding something to wear, and physically making the attempt to TRY to figure out HOW and find my way to accomplishing SOMETHING in my effort to do so.

So, because I could not explain it I ended up in a situation where my husband was going to react to me in ways that would end up triggering me that made my attempt so much harder and I ended up venting. And HE ended up venting things to me that criticized me and "You are bad and it's YOUR FAULT". You don't go out, you don't have any friends, you hide too much, you spend too much time on that computer instead of engaging REAL people, you this and you that and it all came at me in a way that kept saying I was not living in the NOW anymore and how I need to IGNORE and AVOID and JUST. He also talked about how I need to see a therapist too. Well, I had been working with therapists, and they both retired. And the truth is that I wanted a break and I did not want to start all over with some new therapist and sit and get that new therapist caught up with ALL MY HISTORY. And I did not want to sit across from the kind of individual that was like all the individuals I had spent time with that only made me worse instead of helping me HEAL.

I have been reading and learning on this computer. I have been sitting with the things I had learned with the therapist that helped me the most that I can't talk to and see anymore.

Yet, I have also experienced somethings in just this past year and a half that I have had to sit with and sort through by myself. I want to sit with what it means to me from having my older brother come back into my life. I want to sit with understanding how I did react when it came to him because I had wondered if seeing him might trigger me to have even more flashbacks from my past that I did not know I had stored in me that would so rudely surface and cripple and confuse me. I did not experience what I thought I might, instead I had different feelings when it came to him. Also, what I experienced in the time I have reconnected with him surprised me in that he was the one person who talked to me differently and he also made it a point to apologize to me in a deep meaningful way and a validating way. He also told me things I did not know, even told me how one time he had to drive my husband home because my husband was too drunk and he was so disgusted by how drunk my husband was. My husband threatened to punch him and he stood up to that and I never knew that happened. There were lots of things I simply did not know.

I got a chance to get close to my older brother and he just told me cancer is spreading through his body. I don't know how to wrap my mind around this along with all the dysfunction taking place this past year alone when it comes to my parents and my older sister.

Going out Christmas shopping this year was not something I wanted to handle. And when I did go out I began to see things I would have bought for my father and my mother. I saw a shirt with little anchors on it and I held it in my hands and I felt him and YEARS of him and how I miss him and yet just trying to call him to wish him happy birthday was so hard and I ended up with my sister yelling at me F you, F you and she hung up on me. It has gotten SO TOXIC that just trying to find SOME WAY to experience my parents has proven to be EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

I went out shopping yesterday and it was SO HARD and I was SO LOST that I did not need to have my husband express so much anger at me. I did not need him to point out how I don't have any friends right now either. There is a reason for that that HE is a big part of that I just don't have the energy to sit and GO THROUGH THAT HISTORY. Having friends takes time, having a friend means having the time to cultivate and be able to spend time with them. It's so hard to do that when so much of one's life revolved around being married to a binge alcoholic and then a recovering alcoholic who's life always revolved around that. I actually did TRY to fit in having friends, but I also faced that blowing up in my face too. I had to learn the hard way how sometimes friends are more about what you can do for them and what you have that they can "use" to their benefit. My challenge in that area that I have slowly been realizing stems from how my older sister taught me to be good at being an audience and to learn how to play well with an individual that likes to have all the "control". So, when you play well that way, you unknowingly attract that kind of individual and that means you are in a relationship that can prove to be "unhealthy" for you. And the truth is, one can end up being married to someone like that and that can prove to also be unhealthy too.

One the things that came out of me yesterday in all that mess, that came out in anger was, "I don't want to be useful, someone else's ship that came in for THEM, or carry the identity of someone else. I want my OWN identity".

The therapist that helped me the most kept telling me that the reason I suffered a post traumatic breakdown, and developed PTSD is because OF MY HISTORY that predisposed me to being susceptible where I would break down if something traumatic enough happened to me. I kept getting the same thing "history" when I had so wanted to focus on the NOW. So all my history came forward in a way I never imagined it could, and now all I hear is "That is history and you need to focus on the NOW". Included in that was having to deal with a lawsuit for about 9 years, a lawsuit that went on too long because of a lawyer that was declining mentally that no matter how hard I tried I could not get rid of. That most definitely kept me in having to concentrate on "History" constantly for way too many years yet also kept me trapped with struggling to handle all the new ways I had to constantly learn how to manage under the stress of not only all that loss but how that kept me in this constant new way of having to function with all that debt that handed to me.
That changed everything about how I had lived my life and just the other day I realized how much I had changed that contributed to the constant stress I experience.

So basically, I got yelled at yesterday and my effort to JUST try to go out and find my way to do this thing called Christmas shop, turned into one big horrible experience. And in midst of all of that my husband began talking to someone and that was something I just did not want to do and I ended up losing my ability to focus and I honestly wanted to get out of that store and escape. I did not want to see anyone I knew and have to stop and find a way to be social. I just wanted to focus on getting the shopping done. I did not do well at articulating that and instead ended up with HISTORY coming at me in ANGER and it ended up coming at me like bullets being launched from an automatic machine gun/rifle of some kind.

Today I feel very TIRED and depressed and LOST. And the truth is, I don't have a friend I can talk to about all this right now so I came here to a forum where at least others might be able to relate.

Dear OpenEyes,

I am sorry for your pain. I can relate, I think. Sending love and strength, in the hope that you will be able to do what you need to do, and find moments of respite within it.

Open Eyes, I feel ... overwhelmed in the sadness of your sadness in my reading your post. I feel the need for a mind-picture ...a huge ball of old, tattered and tangled string with you caught in one of the wrap arounds on the inside while crying, 'Help'. I see myself hearing you and reaching in through a tiny hole in the hope of pulling you through in making a rescue. I feel baffled and have the need to dial 9-1-1 but am little, like you, and don't have the 'number.'

So I sit on the outside of the ball and whittle a bigger hole to see you inside. Let's pretend: you become smaller under the pressure that is holding you down. That's it, smaller and smaller until the ball has less hold on you. The twigs and dirt and placement of the string has no interest to you anymore now that you have felt some wiggle room.

Just pretend. The ball is too big for you to unravel from the inside or out, and is not of your making or liking anyway. You are tiny with tiny thoughts and don't have to pretend to be large with large thoughts. Can you hear my voice in there? Can you climb a little closer to the outside light coming in?

The place you once held in the ball doesn't fit you anymore. In my mind's eye, I see you and watch how you've wiggled freer than you once were and are now crawling towards the light. You are not fitting into the ball as you once were. The ball, however, is solidly formed whether you are caught in it or not. It doesn't need you as a place-holder. You cannot unravel the ball. Just crawl towards the light as you make yourself smaller and smaller from the place you once held in the ball. The ball is not true power. It is just a ball of discarded string, knotted together in barely holding on. It serves no useful purpose. Keep your eyes on the light and move towards the light. Inch by inch.

The place you once held in the ball is intact without you. The place you once held in the ball is not what you wanted. It held you down. You need air, freedom, light to grow as you are designed. The ball of string is a ball of string, tangled without any possibility of bounce or usefulness. Smaller and smaller you become so you can crawl towards the light.

Inch by inch you are making progress. Smaller and smaller you become: you no longer fit in and under the ball's many strings. You are able to move under and over and through the tunnel of your own making as you crawl towards the light. Almost there.

I see your head, and a hand moving you forward. And a roll of your shoulders. And another inch forward. It is not as dark as it once was for you. I yell, "Do you want to come out, completely out?" and you say, "Yes, I think I do but I don't know what to do once I am out." And I say, me neither. All I know is to keep finding the light. A new identity awaits. Keep breathing better air. Keep on keeping on towards the light. The new air will give you amnesia as long as you stay away from the hole in the ball. Moving freely in the fresh air of will reveal your own design. Begin small. You will grow taller and taller within the light. One. Moment. At. A. Time. One moment. At. A. Time. One moment at. A. Time. One moment at a. Time. One moment at a time. One movement towards the light one moment at a time.

You are out. Set free: your mind is a blank slate. Today has enough 'sugar plums dancing in the air for your taking. What do those sugar plums look like to you? Just you? Mine look different than yours. Isn't that great! Let's not compare, but enjoy. Let's celebrate power as a source that is bigger than our own making or that of anyone else's when viewed in the dark. Let the light of today be the power leading to hope...and the wonder of that is ALWAYS yet to be discovered.

In this moment, there is nothing to leave behind and yet everything to be found.

Onward! to your design of your own making within the light within the light; one morsel of awakening at a time. Look to the Light. The Light. The Light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This came to me while in my meditative mode. For what is it worth./hermit

Being the youngest child of the family I tended to be on the receiving end of a lot of negative messages and criticisms. I have shared before here how my father would never let me finish a sentence without stopping me and correcting me. And even when I tried very hard to say something in a way that I thought he would at least let me finish a sentence and in that a thought and in that a message, he would STILL interrupt me and try to repeat what I was saying and add bigger words.

This resulted in my struggling to take my thoughts and articulate them because as I was trying to say the words I was thinking I was interrupted so much that I began to anticipate being cut off, talked over and interrupted and that produced a challenge in me when it came to talking, especially to adults.

The other thing I had to deal with was how my older sister who was four years older than me tended to criticize me in other ways where she would tell me that how I liked so many colors to be in things I wore that I had terrible taste in things and she hated to shop with me. And whenever I played with her (we used to play dolls a lot), I learned that in order to play with her I had to give HER the control.

One of the things that I did treasure was when I played by myself. I used to close my door and spend hours playing with my dolls and my animal collections and creating themes and that was when I could have my dolls talk to each other and when I did that I got to practice using my own thoughts and making conversations. I would also get books and practice reading aloud to myself. And, even though it was still hard to talk to others, especially adults who would pick apart whatever I uttered, I had a way to practice by myself. And that was important because when I talked to adults I had a really hard time getting words in my mind to come out of my mouth without a kind of studder but that studder was NOT just in that but also originating the initial thoughts.

The one thing I like about coming here and writing things out is so very similar where I am by myself and making an effort to put my thoughts into words and sentences in an effort to share my thoughts. When I first started using this site and engaging I was having a hard time writing out my thoughts. When I wrote out a post what would happen is I kept having to edit whatever I wrote because often when I reread there would be words missing. The other thing I used to do is "repeat". And I can still do that but it is not as bad as it was when I first joined this site when the PTSD was really bad that I was struggling so badly IRL. By the time I joined this site, the one thing I had been constantly facing was having so many intrude on me and not listen and criticize me that I had descended further into PTSD and was beginning to have flashbacks from my childhood.

hermit, the other day when I was trying so hard to talk about something and you made it a point to pay attention and listen it meant a lot to me that you were trying to do that. You are right, I AM really tied up in a strange ball and often in that ball is a LITTLE ME. And when you responded to me the way you did, even though you did not quite understand, the fact that you were willing to LISTEN was helping me in my effort to try to find my way to better explaining what I was trying to talk about. What I did not get a chance to finish which is a huge trigger for me, is how what I was trying to talk about was not about X but instead what was happening to X that I not only witnessed happen to my older brother but also MYSELF. I was trying so hard to distance from one big area that constantly gets focused on and instead focus on the part of the picture that was triggering me personally. Unfortunately, I end up with the same thing I faced as a child where YES, I end up in that ball you are trying to describe in your above post to me. I get wrapped up and tossed out and I am thrown away stuck in that little ball.

When I started this thread trying to explain how to JUST try to make an effort to do the Christmas shopping was so hard, I was trying to do that with an individual who has a huge habit of wrapping me up in that ball and gets angry with me and tends to wrap me up and not JUST talk over me and interrupt me and cut me off, but also takes the ball he wraps me up in with that and throws me against the wall HARD.

The dynamics in my own family or origin has gotten so toxic and dysfunctional and has changed so much towards the negative that I am lost when it comes to doing this thing called Christmas and I struggle when it comes to any holiday for that matter.

My shopping effort ended up being yet another huge trigger and I literally felt like I was dragged and beaten and my entire body and mind was hurting. My husband vented so much anger at me that ended up wrapping me up tightly in that ball and throwing me against the wall harder and harder with every effort I made to say PLEASE STOP. And the one thing that has left me with is how my brain hurts and I am struggling to TALK and that scares me, and yet I also remember experiencing that as a child too.

Friday was BAD too, and I ended up facing yet another big argument that made it even worse. I happened to notice the mail on the table and how my husband put a letter right on top that I did not want to even see let alone engage with it. It was a letter with my sister's handwriting on it and big and bold and I did NOT want to touch it or think about it and I am way to MENTALLY EXHAUSTED to add any more to the challenge. Yet my husband insisted on talking about it and talking about how I NEED TO SHOULD engage with it and open it. I say NO, and all that did was wind him up with how I need to ignore this or that and OPEN IT. He kept pushing it and I reacted with "ok YOU go and open it", and I know I should not have said that, but I was already too tired from the day before still. So, he goes over to it and grabs it and opens it and HE decides it's not so bad (after all it's NOT his own family and personal to him) and then brings it up to me and shoves it in my face. In that he is pushing it at me and devaluing what I was telling him and insisting on telling me HOW TO THINK AND FEEL. Ironically, he was doing with me the SAME THING THE INDIVIDUAL WHO'S WRITING IS ALL OVER THAT ENVELOPE does with me too. And in keeping with what you have described in your post to me, what he was pushing at me pulled the strings tight and that little child in the ball started yelling and HE WOULD NOT LISTEN. And then when that little child gets angry and trys SO HARD to talk about WHY IT HURTS, he stands there and does EXACTLY what my father did and my sister does too, he talked over me, cut me off, interrupted me and criticized me. And then I began slurring my words again.

That night I had horrible nightmares and they were nightmares that were so vivid and real. The nightmares were about my older sister who's writting was all over that letter and how she was taking over everything and I could not seem to stop it. I woke up even more exhausted then I was when I went to bed.

It's Christmas eve and I am still SO TIRED, physically, mentally, emotionally. I just want to sleep tbh. I am also hurting physically and I have that headache that happens when that little me was wrapped up in a ball not able to talk for fear of being criticized and not being able to get heard. And when I am tired out this way I also very sensitive and much more susceptible to being triggered. I don't know what this state is called either, only that NO ONE around me likes it or understands it and IS SICK OF IT. I have already heard that today and once again "OE is a bad girl and it's all my fault that I don't or cant seem to JUST snap out of it for everyone else around me". So, once again "I" am ruining someone else's Christmas. I probably could have explained all this better, I seem to consistently fail when it comes to doing just that". Trying.....

One thing I do know is I try NOT to do this to others in that I know how it can hurt, and that is one of the things that I see with the X among many X's that can be triggering to me especially in my effort to try to help individuals who struggle with language which is something I also tried very hard to protect and offer support having my own child face this challenge.

It's SO HARD to live with an individual who most definitely has a habit of "talking over and interrupting and cutting off and who can't understand why I repeat and where the comes from and how he habitually wraps that thick thread around that ball I am trapped in trying so hard to explain where I might FINALLY find my way OUT OF IT.

Open Eyes, please hear yourself first in what is missing--innocence in re-birthing activity which has NOTHING to do with those who failed you in the past nor your response to those who failed you in the past. Find gratitude where you are right this minute even if it is bed, think upon what is good about being in bed and let the light of those words of thanksgiving pull you into it's next activity that you cannot see until you get there.

It (gratitude) works because the timeless truth for everyone is that light is more powerful than the dark. It's all about you hearing you, first and foremost, and what this voice tells you once you allow it to be on the other side of gratitude--moment by moment.

Gratitude, right now, in what the suffering has brought you to face--here is where the light will penetrate the dark. I remember when I opposed and hated those giving me gratitude steps at one time in my life, and I wallowed in my pain longer and when the time was right for me, I eventually I gave it a try...

Lovingkindness means that IN THIS MOMENT (no past, no future) You are safe, you are happy and healthy, you are at ease, you are content in the attitude of gratitude--moment by moment. Listen to yourself as this new voice relishes in and enjoys the innocence of a fresh, new moment.

What have you got to lose? A bad story that has become ingrained. What have you got to gain? A new moment with a new feeling and new brain wiring ready and waiting to form into a new pathways as you hear and think upon gratitude in this, yes even this, moment.

Light overcomes darkness. Period. The concept is bigger than you or me because it is a timeless truth for all.

I have tried to live my life this way and that was part of my resiliance until I did lose more than I had the ability to handle. I am experiencing that now and it's been such a challenge for me to focus despite the shadows around me that take the light away.

I hear you and I have been TRYING and I keep failing. It's a challenge in that sometimes what others say about the light (the way they capture it) are not helping me in that these others cast dark shadows on me where they take the little bit of light I have managed to find and have been trying to rebuild on.

This is actually what I have been trying so hard to do HEAR MYSELF. Yet also identify how that effort has been invaded by others who insist that I hear THEM more than myself. The therapist that helped me the most with this LISTENED and was pointing out how much toxic individuals in my life had me on the run to the point where I could not even sit with my own feelings. That what I was constantly encouraged to do without realizing it is believe it was more important that THEIR feelings take precedent.

Actually, that is exactly what the entire experience I had faced when it came to that letter reflected. First that letter was covered with my sister's writing, and in it was a check from my father that I have had been instructed NEVER to actually accept or cash and how ANY money my parents gave me was wrong and I deserve to be ashamed of because now my older sister is ALL OVER THEM with her control in a very dysfunctional unhealthy way. I wanted to ignore that but instead what I faced is my HUSBANDS feelings about it and his display of his own drama about what I have to do about it despite my own effort to find my own WAY of capturing some kind of positive light when it comes to find my own way to deal with this Christmas. This has all made me exhausted and I have no idea or energy to look for or feel the light.

(I have had to edit this several times now because I am struggling with words again, it's my mind slurring them again).

Actually, one of the things I wanted SO BADLY when it came to the challenge I had faced with my husband was to have a camera attached to my own head so I could play back exactly what I have been describing. Even to him because he will say something and I will repeat it with how I feel about his statement and he consistently replies "I did not say that". How can you interact when the other person says something and won't at least admit he said it? My older sister practices this too. It's extremely unhealthy for someone to deal with.

Hi Open Eyes,

I am ashamed to say that I enjoyed reading your post... I hope that does not trigger you. To clarify, I mean that I resonated and felt like you dug out a lot of gold in your struggle with PTSD.

I was going to respond to a lot of things in your post but I read some of the responses from others and they hit some key notes.

So I will offer you empathy and reiterate that you are not alone and that I understand how you feel. Life throws us curve balls and all kinds of messy circumstances and situations whether we like it or not. Those of us with PTSD are riddled with a past that is filled with land mines and a wide variety of traps and triggers. While the past can be a burden, one must not forget the healing power that it can offer in understanding the struggles we face in the present; it can even lead us to see ourselves as survivors with a logical explanation as to why.

Ultimately, the struggles you face in the present are going to exist in some way or another. I think I understand your frustration when something goes wrong the "history" gets thrown into your face. How you would like to just exist in a world that no longer uses your past against you. The unfortunate reality is that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So it is ingrained in human nature to judge someone based on their past, even unconsciously.

Perhaps this is WAY off kilter and I have completely miss-understood what you are trying to say, in which case, please let me know. I have a hard time understanding things of this nature sometimes.

Also, I had to leave the shopping mall prematurely everyday I went in this week. I had so many triggers. Christmas time is extremely triggering to me as well and I still don't quite understand it. You are absolutely 110% not alone in your experience with Christmas holidays. It is a horrendous time of year. When I see people laughing and holding hands and enjoying life I get miserable and ashamed and angry. I HATE that I am not able to enjoy life like others.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Thanks ((HD)), I can relate to only being able to handle a little at a time as you have described when it comes to your effort to try to visit stores to Christmas shop.

This year it was a huge effort just to get myself out to at least try as I mentioned. It's hard when one has a presence with them who's entire body language is "hurry up" and tends to wander off in that he has ADHD and can lose attention and yet get hyper active and impatient. It's much harder to manage the PTSD symptoms when having a presence that likes to have things happen quickly.

I did learn some things in just sitting down and venting in this thread. However, seeing things or identifying things doesn't mean I have yet figured out how to not react, some of which happens before I have a chance to make any kind of conscious choice.

In a lot of ways it's like playing that game 52 pickup only in my subconscious mind. Anyone remember playing that game? That's the way our minds work and navigate. Even our technology works that way "remembers matches" and when someone wants something the computer gives you all the matches.

When the therapist that helped me the most sat and listened to me, he got to see how I can talk about something and then how so many other things came out that connected to what I was trying to talk to him about. What that showed him was here OE has done something that turned out to be a huge positive, then here is how that got destroyed. How this happened to me again and again and again, and one day he sat back and said to me, "you have so much trauma in your history, I can't believe you kept being so resilient over and over again so many times". The other thing he told me what he was observing in me was how what I was doing was often misdiagnosed as bipolar, when it's not and is instead a patient that has experienced a lot of trauma that must see a specialist that understands trauma and doing trauma therapy. I definitely store a lot of my history with vivid pictures, and they come in so many flashes it can be hard to try to articulate them all. It's like playing 52 pick up with all picture cards with lots of happy faces then faces with anger then faces with lots of hurt and pain.

Does anyone else experience what I am describing? I dream this way too and what I dream is extremely vivid with a lot of detail where I actually think the dream is real. It never ceases to amaze me how the brain literally does this all on it's own without the conscious mind directing it. I used to experience that when I drew and painted pictures too. Yet, I don't hallucinate or see ghosts or people that are not there or hear voices etc. none of that.

My first PDOC told me this at my first appointment: You have several disorders and they are for you, and no one else, to manage. Don't expect those out there to stop what they are doing so your stress level is reduced. Think of it like a hearing impairment: you are to listen up, make eye contact, get a hearing aid, manage your own disability rather than expect the world to speak up. No one cares about you like you do.

She went on to say she doesn't wade through past trauma; go to a counselor for that if you want one-on-one attention. PDOCs job is to manage the chemistry of my medications. So, she advised, stop doing whatever you have been doing to create stress in yourself, like watching scary movies, or bungee jumping, or commiserating with those in your family who contribute to your trauma, etc. You job, says she, is to bring down your adrenaline levels not rev up the levels because that is what you are habitually used to. She went on to say, I'll work with you on the chemistry, but you have to work with me, too, so don't expect a pill to solve all your woes.

Then she told me to look into mindfulness-based stress reduction because there is obvious evidence I do not know how to calm myself without expecting others to do so. They won't be able to calm you because it is not their job to make your world calmer--it's your job.

That took about 50 minutes, and then she got up and walked me to the door, and said "get busy, you have a lot of new stuff to learn." And charged me $350.

I thought, What a toad! Where was the empathy? And yet I can look back and say that she gave me the best counsel of all. She knew before I did that there was a calm voice within me yet to be discovered, but she couldn't do the work for me. I had to follow directions in a new way (not my strong suit) and in the course of it, I would be able, like everyone else, to park the hyper (analytical) side of my brain while activating the calm chemistry just by doing something as simple as concentrating on my breath. She knew that my being able to manage my breath would reset brain chemistry. The calm me was the manageable me.

PDOC was right. Eight years later I am off meds, without anxiety or depression, sleep well at night, happy and contented and at ease. I NEVER thought I would be off medication so had resigned myself to it with much gratitude. I am as surprised as anyone that I am now off medication.

That original PDOC transferred out, a new PDOC came in who specializes in meditation as well as medication and together we decided I no longer needed the meds.

Go figure. I will forever be grate to the first PDOC who heard my calm-voice-me wanting to get out from under and within the tangled ball of strings of a tattered life and told me the way to get there though I felt offended at her directness. She, in essence, saved me from myself and gave me the way, which was the reason for my being there, only it didn't end up looking like what I thought it would.

The common thread is being grateful for the light of hope, which is not from one's own making for it is something that has to be received--and has nothing to do with fixing the past.

I find myself feeling like I did when I was a child where I was just so glad I survived the day yesterday. But, it was not just one day, it was several days just it was when I was a child.

That is what I did or thought, and I constantly prayed and felt that what I saw on that bus and in that school and in my own home every single day was not anything I could "fix". Yet, my one constant was how I was not going to be like the people I saw that were hurting others. I already knew I could not fix or change the past, which could have been just in one day each and every day. What makes me angry and confused is how I have been "reliving" so many things the way I have.

Lately, there have been a few things I have read in articles and in conversations with others that have contributed to seeing things better, however, it can be a challenge when really looking under the bed so to speak and seeing that the monster is real and it DID hurt me more than I realized.

Yesterday morning I had that same challenge that I have been facing a lot IN THE NOW that is TOXIC. I recently read an article about how a certain kind of toxic person practices doing things to get you engaged so that individual can trap you and abuse you in a certain way mentally so that person's existence is the loudest. These individuals engage in a way where they don't see YOU or can even listen to you, they react instead in a way where engaging with them turns out to be how their emotions must always be louder than yours. It reminds me of what I see take place in my barn every spring when the barn swallows come around and my barn gets full of all their loud noises. And then they get quiet and then I slowly begin to hear these faint chirps that lets me know there are babies. There is always this baby that is the loudest and because of that it tends to get fed more and it gets bigger than the other babies. The baby who isn't loud enough tends to get pushed out of the nest and I see them laying on the floor of my barn. Every time I come across this I "feel" for it because it always seems to remind me of how it was for me, "it's a feeling more than a thought" and on my own healing journey I began to realize what this "feeling" I had really meant that I often did not understand the way I do now.

The other thing I noticed while I was experiencing this phenomenon every year is how these babies went through stages until they could finally fly from the nest to other places in my barn close to the nest that they could rest and then fly back to the nest. The entire time these babies are going through these different stages, they are imprinting all the things they experience and see their parents doing.

What I saw happen to my older brother would be considered "severe abuse" by today's standards. When I began experiencing flashbacks from my childhood it frightened me.
When he came back around after my not seeing him for about 20 years, I had no idea what seeing him again would mean to me and what might come out of my past that I did not even know I had stored the way I did. It was actually very brave of me to see him not even knowing how seeing him might trigger me to experience some kind of flashback. What I discovered that day was that I did not have "fear" of him, instead I felt the way I did as a child which was loving him and wanting him to have a presence that would help him. And when I did meet him my parents were clueless like they always were and then my sister appeared and the next thing I knew I was back in time and witnessing the HATE that existed between the two of them.

It has taken me several years now to understand what actually set off these flashbacks to take place and what all these triggers I experience mean. I know I can't change the past and I always knew that. Yet, the NOW is just as sad and toxic as the past. And I somehow missed just how toxic the now was going to actually be that has contributed to how I struggle and can't seem to articulate well enough.

Yesterday I was trying to do this thing called Christmas in whatever way I could. And in that I was trying my best to do some "damage control". I wanted to find my way to be able to at least wish my parents a Merry Christmas. I thought about the toxic game I get drawn into and how I can approach it differently so I don't end up so badly triggered. I asked my husband to make the call and he got angry and said he did not want to be my puppet. I tried to get him to understand that was not what I was doing, but instead I needed him to help me by being a kind of "mediator". After he displayed his need to see it his way, he finally agreed and made the call and my sister answered and her tone was that of anger in that I was getting into HER sandbox and breaking HER rules. He asked to speak to my parents and my sister replied that my mother was in the shower and could not talk but that my husband could talk to my father. She handed my father the phone and said, "Here dad, it's X but it's REALLY OE wanting to talk to you". Her tone was that of needing to be LOUD because she did not get to have her routine with ME where she would talk down to me and CONTROL me in a way that let me know how SHE IS THE QUEEN of the drama.

My husband was nice and patient and got to start with talking to my father wishing him a Merry Christmas and asking him if he had a nice meal. (It's funny how men focus so much on food which as we are all told, "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach"). So I got to hear my father's voice and I got to have my own little piece of him so I could wish him a Merry Christmas and tell him how much I love him.

Then I asked him how my mother was doing, he replied with "your mother is in the hospital". Suddenly I could hear my sister telling him what he said is a big NO, NO.
Then I listened as my father got quiet. It was the kind of quiet that happens when a person slowly learns how to be a "child" again and that person suddenly is not allowed to talk and be themselves anymore. So, after listening to the quiet, I told my father, "dad, it's ok, it's ok if you want to let me know the truth about mom". Then I said, "Dad, what I want my mother to know is that I love her NO MATTER WHERE SHE IS". It's ok Dad, I love you too, no matter where you are too and I want to let you know that and sometimes Dad, I try to be with you the best way I can. He expressed how he wanted to see me yet again and I tried my hardest to respond to that without hurting him. I just try to focus on letting him know that I love him.

After that my husband got very angry and he wanted me to call my sister back and demand to know WHERE my mother really is. My husband was angry that I did not immediately engage that way. I said to him, "I am taking a step back and that's not giving in, I am trying very hard to think about how NOT to get drawn into HER GAME that way. I said, think about it, I would end up giving her what SHE wants, a chance to get me on the phone so she can EMOTIONALLY ABUSE ME. I just experienced that when I bit the bullet and tried to call my father to wish him a happy birthday. That resulted in my being yelled at "F you" twice and loud with her hanging up on me. Then putting me through HER PUNISHMENT TRIP, to assure SHE had the loudest DRAMA role.

And I began to also experience a lot of flashes that reflected that dynamic about her that was coming at me in her behaviors towards me, "example when my mother had a stroke in front of me that resulted in my sister immediately coming at me from the moment she arrived at the ER in anger blaming the stroke on me". There have so many negative situations like that "in the NOW" that come from her that have triggered me and crippled me that are deeply disturbing and VERY toxic.

So, while my husband's reaction would have given her what she wanted, I was able to stand back and finally, even though I wanted to, not engage it. I also saw it in that card that my husband insisted I engage that I did not want to engage. And yet HIS need to have HIS feelings take precedent led to him disregarding my feelings and opening that letter up himself. That was the same, it had her ALL OVER IT and then my husband ALL OVER IT, and all I saw of it was just what I experienced that morning, a faint little piece of my father in his own writing "love Dad". My daddy is disappearing under her being ALL OVER HIM. He can't even tell me "Mom is in the hospital" without her OVERPOWERING HIM where I hear his silence.

So after I convinced my husband to let go of his desire to fall into her trap, we began to call different hospitals. Then we called the rehabilitation facility and we could not find my mom. I don't know where she is, maybe in a home somewhere that my father thinks is a hospital? My sister told my husband that she would have my mother call later and that never happened. So, I did not get to wish my mother a Merry Christmas and tell her that I love her. I know I am being PUNISHED, I am learning more about how my sister operates if you do not obey HER political correctness game.

I had a long thread entitled, "I feel like it's my fault". I am beginning to understand more WHY I feel that way and how that goes all the way back for me too.

Lately I have been paying more attention to what happens in the arguments I have with my husband. I saw it with that letter argument. He NEEDS to have his own emotions stand out more too. He hates what he sees happening to me, yet he also does it to me himself. Ironically, he is also the oldest child and I feel so much more connected to his younger brother than I ever did before. When I sat at the table with his family, I put my hand on his brother's hand and said, "It must have been hard for you, but you manage to handle it so well". I should have know because his brother had the same habit I had in that he twiddle his hair and he has so little left now so he grew a beard and fiddles with that. When I was little I used to twist and fiddle with my hair in my sleep and wake up with so many knots that my mother complained and she took me to the hairdresser and had them cut off all my hair so it was very short. They could not cut off my older brother's thumb, and nothing they put on it stopped him from sucking it all night long.
Two little children just trying to self sooth in some way so they could sleep after yet another traumatic day.

It's been AWFUL lately and I have been slurring my words, just like I did when I was "little".

What I am hearing from listening to myself is how much my deep issues have a lot to do with who failed me in my past. What is strange is the entire time I was growing up I always felt something important was "missing", the "beginning" and I never could articulate it. And while I could not SAY IT, I was constantly doing it and giving it to others especially in what I ended up doing for so many years with young children including my own child.

My husband tried to say I was using him as a "puppet". I found myself explaining to him how I was NOT doing that with him, but that I did need his help. Then I explained to him how my sister has shut out any possible connection I can have to finding out how my parents are actually doing. Her daughter who was friends with my daughter suddenly stopped interacting with my daughter completely, her husband won't pick up the phone and my parents are slowly disappearing and her entire motive is to MAKE me have to be alone with her so she can practice her toxic behavior with me. My sister's behavior is just as my parents kept describing, "mean and bossy" and she isolates people and shuts them off to PUNISH them. Her entire message is "you either play her game which always means do as SHE says, or you don't get to play AT ALL. One day my sister was talking about her brilliant idea in how to deal with her autistic grandson. She sat there beaming and announced her great way of dealing with him. She said, "When you come to gammy's house you only have to know ONE rule, it's simple, that ONE rule is "do as gammy says". Well, that has ALWAYS been how she was and is.

I don't know where my mother is, have to figure that one out yet.

I am trying to figure out how to process what is taking place with my older brother and his health. It's so very SAD when it comes to what I am dealing with in the NOW when it comes to my family. I guess, at this point all I can say is I "survived" this thing called Christmas this year and I am tired today.
And "sad".

One of my huge triggers is when I see someone being trapped and hurt or emotionally abused or controlled or manipulated or neglected. That is what I witnessed happen to my older brother day after day for so many years. If I think about the 4 F's I did all of them, but mostly flight, freeze and "fawn". I wanted to "fight" but I was much too little to know how to fight for him. There were times where my older brother reached a point where he would need to vent and he frightened me and even though I was frightened,
I knew I could not tell because all that would lead to is him being punished even more.

My entire childhood is full of pictures of all the ways my older brother was being hurt and punished. What I faced every morning when I managed to wake up, get myself dressed and step onto that school bus to witness him facing constant bullying and abuse. Then I was distracted every day with glimpses of him being punished by the teachers and constantly being humiliated. I was afraid of adults because when my father kept interrupting me every time I talked I developed a real challenge when it came to taking a thought and articulating it.

I remember that day when my parents took my older brother to see a psychiatrist. I remember sitting there and I was so little and I was staring at this psychiatrist's door. And deep inside me I was praying that the man behind that door would be able to HELP my older brother. I watched my older brother disappear behind that door and I sat there waiting and praying. But, the door opened and the tone that came from behind that door was so negative. I was very young then, not even 5 yet. I remember seeing my mother pacing the floors not knowing I was watching her and she was crying and she kept saying "This is wrong, you are supposed to coddle and love your child", and as she was doing that I could hear my older brother screaming and crying out back where my father had him in a shed. My older brother tried to run away all the time, he ran away from school and the answer was always that shed and watching my mother pacing and weeping. I was only about 3 years old. What I did not know at the time, not until all these years later was that my older brother was also being molested by a babysitter.
He said her name but I don't remember her, yet I was so little at the time. He talked about him only being about 4 to 5 and I was two years younger so I was only two. My memories of my mother from that time was seeing her mostly upset and tired. My memories of my older sister were how much she hated my older brother. My entire life I always felt a presence over my shoulder and I always thought it was normal to feel that, I never really knew what was really over my shoulder until that day a year ago around October when I was out doing a job and decided to just drive by my sister's house to see if my parents were there. I had my truck and trailer with me with my pony inside. It was such a nice day, and I was feeling strong that day and when I drove by I noticed my sister's husband outside and that made me feel safe to at least pull over and park and walk up to him to ask him if my parents were there and if it would be ok if I could see them. I gave him a hug and he was very welcoming and said "yes, I will take you in to see them". Now that I think back on that, the reason I had the strength in me that day is because of how that day was so positive and I felt very much in the NOW. His presence there that day helped me to stay in now too, and his leading me into my sister's house in such an inviting way and leading me right to them where they were in her living room sitting on the sofa with the TV on helped me stay in the now too. The other thing that helped was how my parents both lit up and were so happy to see me.

It was SO NICE to be able to hug them and capture that positive. The entire time I was sitting and talking to them I tried to talk about any positive I could share with them about the NOW. Yet, the entire time I was doing that my sister was going back and forth through that room in the back ground and she was giving off negative body language. And that's the first time I FINALLY saw where that feeling of something negative or foreboding just over my shoulder came from. I was just turning 60 and FINALLY after all these years seeing what it really was "over my shoulder". And then the next thing I knew my sister interrupted my visit and told me that where I parked my truck and trailer was not safe and that her street was going to be a detour shortly. That is when I saw yet another thing about her, that entire time she was pacing back and forth she was trying to come up with a way to get me to leave. There was NO detour about to happen, especially that time of day and there was no road work right near that would contribute to a detour. She just paced back and fourth trying to fabricate a false story. That is what she does to get her way though, she fabricates false stories to get her way with people. So when I called and got to talk to my father Christmas day, he was trying to tell me the truth and my sister got angry with him because he was exposing her fabricated story of my mother being in the bathroom to keep me from knowing where my mother really was/is.

My sister told my older brother she was thinking of having my father declared incompetent and taking over complete conservator-ship of his entire estate and money.
My brother told her that he would not agree with that and instead would prefer a third party take that over. My brother and I talked about it and we both feel the same way about that. My sister's response to that was saying how my father is in good health and is "calling all the shots". However, what I know and have seen of her is how she is standing over my father's shoulder and working him over to agreeing to what SHE wants. And that is what I heard take place while I was talking to my father to wish him merry Christmas and ask him how my mother was doing.

I did not make a big deal out of this yet it's VERY triggering in that it hits that area in me that has to do with seeing someone trapped in a situation that has unhealthy things to it. I did not react, or even embrace anger to feed me with the energy to get in my car and go over there. That's because as much as I dislike the way my sister is behaving, I don't want my actions to end up "hurting" my father and mother who are old and frail now. My sister has made it so that I have no other contact where I can get any kind of feed back on how things are really going. Truth is everyone around her basically walks on eggshells so there is no one I can talk to in that picture, and it was hard to hear my father say something and then get yelled at and hearing him quiet. I don't think my sister is abusing them or neglecting them, but she has been isolating them. She can't stop me from calling, but every time I tried to call, I would get a lecture from her and I have backed off on calling because of how I get triggered and with that can suffer for days. She can get VERY MEAN now, and that can bring back so much of my past that I can get very overwhelmed. I feel like I am failing and that I should be using "fawn" with her and I can't seem to engage that. Yet, a big part of that has to do with finally recognizing how very much she never wanted me to even exist at all. I never could see that reality, and my mother kept saying to me "she is jealous of you", and I just could not get it until I looked at all the pieces and how much my sister controlled them and wanted to always have them with her EVERY holiday. The worst was how she kept them from seeing me when I was in that psych ward. At least that is when I felt it the most. I did nothing wrong that day when I visited them at her house, they really were so HAPPY to see me, and that's when I saw that's what she hated the most about me. This makes me VERY ILL and sad. I loved my sister and all this time I did not see it, yet, I did feel it. That feeling started when I was way too little to know what it was. When I began suffering all these horrible flashbacks, SHE was the constant trigger and it really took me so LONG to figure that out.

Whenever I do get to be alone with my mother I end up getting a call from my sister that is SO NEGATIVE and shaming me for whatever my parents gave me. It is like she was that baby bird that wanted to be the loudest and somehow she felt that I was the one that they fed more and she harbored a hate for me that I never saw or understood.
I don't like what I am seeing and feeling because I think the core of it is how her long time desire was to feel both me and my brother were undeserving and bad and that SHE was the child that deserved their love the most.

This has been the most confusing thing for me to look at. I loved each individual in my family including her and I did not see this "core issue". It's making me SO ILL and it's SO SAD I don't know what to do with it. I don't know where my mother is, and my sister doesn't WANT ME TO KNOW. I get these flashes that are saying, "You stupid, it's here, and here and here and yet you did not see it?"

I thought about calling my lawyer and finding out what I can do to make sure I am told if there is any change taking place with my parents. And I think she will tell me to just go there and see and I don't know how to explain to her why that is so hard for me to do. I am afraid of being traumatized and how what I am experiencing from her can create her to rage at me if I go there and how that may upset my father whom I believe is too fragile to experience seeing her rage at me. It's already BAD and toxic when I make an attempt to just call my parents, so going there personally could result in consequences that would be bad for my father and mother "if" my mother is even there.

I have been stepping back from "acting" because I am worried about the consequences and I don't want to do anything that would result in causing harm to my parents. This definitely brings up a lot of triggers from my past where I feared "telling" in how that could and most likely would result in someone I love getting hurt. What is sad now is how my brother is facing his own major challenge and he doesn't want to engage either because it's too toxic and I don't even want to bother him with it all tbh, I guess I am protecting him again, only this time his problem is major and I am deeply upset about that and find my praying deeply that someone will help him. I feel so alone and I remember how I felt that way when I was little too.

I feel very confused. I feel like I failed and should have played my hand of cards differently so to speak. I have ALWAYS tried to see toxic behaviors as "hurt people hurt people". I grew up knowing that when my older brother could not take the abuse anymore and needed to vent that when I ran and hid from him a deep part of me always knew it was not his fault. I used to have these very tall pine trees that I would run to and climb and hide in and as I was way up high in them where he never found me that I sat there and waited until my mother came home and I prayed for something to happen that would help him so I would not have to run and hide the way I was. Dinnertime always made it safe to finally climb down. I was so high up in this pine tree that the wind made that part sway too. I sat there and prayed and I used to think god was rocking me and helped me find those trees so I could find safety. I always LOVED pine trees and I think that is part of why I like to have the decorations of artificial pine bows with twinkle lights always on my mantle above my fireplace. I also have them in the rod iron chandelier and in them I have these old fashioned carousel horses. That to me reminds me of three things I loved, pine trees, ponies, and the carousel that was always my favorite ride at fairs. Most would think that I am too lazy and that I should remove these things after Christmas is over. But it's not about Christmas, it's about having something that brings me a sense of "comfort". I love the smell of pine trees NOT because of Christmas, but because of how that smell was around me when I was up in those trees that hid me and I felt SAFE.

The only problem I had when I was in that tree though was BEING COLD. Looking back on that I think that is how I caught pneumonia and almost died and I was put in the bath tub full of ice and cold water. My body never forgot that so when something happens that is traumatic to me or I suffer a bad trigger, I get the chills really bad.

All those years being traumatized every day suddenly got more bearable because my parents finally gave in and gave me a pony. I did not have to run to the trees anymore, instead I would get off the bus and run to my pony and climb on his back and ride him away and down the street and into a patch of woods on a trail. That pony was a presence for me that I would talk to about the bad things I was seeing and experiencing that I did not know what to do about. He was WARM and I could hug him and FEEL comforted. Finally OE had a friend of her own and a good friend that pony was for me.

My business that I created was my way of SHARING my ponies with young children in a very positive way. Now it is being recognized how these animals can be so therapeutic and they embrace that with all these places now that offer therapeutic riding and programs with these animals. I had been doing that long before it was finally recognized and so many places came to be to offer this therapy. When I first got my farm, it was not a farm at all, it was just a dated house with a small yard and pond in the front and no barns or riding ring and it was very overgrown. I bought a pair of clippers and as soon as the leaves feel off of everything I would go out every day and clip away everything I could, bryers and prickers galore, poison ivy and shumack. My husband can't go near poison ivy so I would clear it all away so he could cut down the bigger things with his chainsaw. I was constantly working at it and it slowly and gradually took shape. I spent days and months building a stone wall so that when I used the riding ring we finally got to create, the wall would be high enough so the ponies would not spook if anything was in the woods while I worked with the very young children I was teaching in my ring. My first little horse trailer was old but in decent condition and I began to learn how to drive my husband's small pickup truck that was a standard. My husband was a horrible teacher when it came to showing me how to drive a standard.
So my father took me out to a huge parking lot and helped me get my bearings in feeling how and when to shift. Then I had to practice driving this standard truck while hauling this trailer too. Then I had to teach the ponies I had to be ok with trailering, then I had to teach these ponies to get comfortable with going all different places.

Then I had to teach these ponies how to be good for very young children who I was teaching how to ride too. Truth is, so many people have no idea how much one can form a deep bond when it comes to putting a great deal of time into teaching a pony to do all the things I did with them. I used to take my pony out to families that had children with some huge challenges and some had severe handicaps and my ponies had to be really patient and bombproof while I had these severely handicapped children on them, often with their parents on each side holding them up so they can experience what it's like to sit on a pony. When it came to getting paid, it was not huge, what was huge to me was seeing how all these different children felt the way I did when my parents finally gave me my own pony and at a time in my own life when I too suffered a huge handicap that I hid. It's very powerful to have a way to put a child suffering from a rare disease where as he was growing his brain was disappearing and yet I was able to help his parents give him a chance to feel what's like to ride a pony and I get to see him "smile". I had these special children that I would visit every year, some of them did not live a full life, but they all got to enjoy something special when I brought my pony to visit them. I never lost sight of how I would not be able to do that without the amazing little pony that became such an amazing partner for me to bring something special to all these children. My ponies were NEVER just objects to me. All the children I spent time with were taught to SEE my ponies as a living being and never to be considered as some "object". All my ponies became very trusting and kind. I have had vets and farriers comment on how of all the places they had been, they never experienced ponies and horses that were like mine. Actually, when I was dealing with all that mess I had found a new vet that was a woman, she was actually so beautiful I was quite taken back when I first laid eyes on her. One time when she was out and going around to vaccinate and spend time with all my ponies she came right up to me and put her hands on my arms and look at me in such a serious way and she said, "I just have to tell you this, I have been around all kinds of ponies and horses in all kinds of barns and NEVER have I seen animals so loving and trusting and gentle like I have experienced in handling yours".

When I lost so much of what I had and it broke me and I kept getting responses from psychiatrists and therapists that I even have in writing where they felt I over valued what I had lost and was too "grandiose"? What that veterinarian gave me that day meant more to me than she will EVER know. And the one thing this veterinarian made a huge point to say to me in such a serious way was "Your ponies REALLY LOVE YOU, and I have never seen anything like this in all my years".

There is a big part of me that never forgot all the prayers I said for my older brother. A big part of me that with every bad thing I witnessed felt that missing piece that I wanted to be a presence that "gave" that missing piece that I saw missing and my main focus was on young children and also my ponies. I also NEVER forgot seeing my mother pacing the floors after my older brother disappeared behind that door when they took him to see that psychiatrist. She kept crying and repeating, "this is wrong, this is wrong, you are supposed to love and coddle your child, not punish him and not coddle him the way this psychiatrist is saying to do with him". And I knew SHE WAS RIGHT and I kept seeing how badly my brother was being treated and how he had no one, and even though my sister threatened me she would be mean to me if I was nice to him, I did not listen and I became his ONLY friend. And one thing I always knew is how the beginning is very important. I always knew when it comes to children that you never get a redo, you can't go backwards and it's so important to understand that when it comes to little children and being a parent. There have been many times I sat on the phone and talked to young parents about that too. The parents that really understood that were the parents that had these severely handicapped children, some of which would not live to see adulthood. I met a young little boy one time that was def and blind. I had my pony that was so amazing and she had a little trot that was so perfect because it was just enough to feel "more" without the child feeling like they were going to fall off. So I managed to find a way to prepare this little boy for this little trot and then when I did it this little boy laughed and laughed and even though he was lacking so much, he showed me JOY. Tell me is that not "priceless"?

Wow, this past year and a half alone has been just horrible and so deeply triggering on so many levels it's been overwhelming and often crippling leaving me in a lot of physical pain.

Lately I have been experiencing a lot of episodes where I struggle to talk and I have to say it's been scaring me. So much has been happening lately that is overwhelming me and I definitely feel very alone with it all. I ended up calling a member I have gotten to know here out of desperation, someone else that knows what it's like to struggle the way I do. She did not talk over me, she didn't criticize me, she did not hang up on me or invalidate me, she did not raise her voice at me and she did not condescend either and she let me feel and did not encourage me to feel shame for feeling. And because of that we ended up having a long talk, and the key word is "talk". When we interact here via posts and written words, the one thing we miss out on is the actual tone in the other person's voice. Truth is that if already triggered and experiencing too much exposure to individuals who react with invalidating tones in their voice, it can "feel" like someone is talking to you the same way when they are not. I am glad I chose to call this person when I was desperate because I literally had no one in my life that I could talk to that talked back to me with a "calm" respectful tone. We ended up having a long conversation and I did not have any problems with my ability to speak.

I had another experience where I needed to go to the corner store and over the past couple of years I have gotten to know this woman who owns this store with her husband. She is from India and I have gotten to learn about the kind of culture she comes from and how that has affected her and yet, she has been strong and fighting for her own personal freedom as a human being and I really respect that about her.

Well, when I went to the store I was really down and challenged and hurting and she was there alone and she asked me "how are you today" and next thing I knew I was standing there crying. She responded to me with so much comfort, respect and genuine kindness with absolutely no message in her response to me that gave me an impression that I was imposing on her in any way. Because of that once again I was able to "talk".

That is what I miss about the trauma therapist that helped me the most. No matter how bad off and distraught I was when I went to see him, even when I had to do our session over the phone because I was too bad to attempt to drive that drive just to see him, he ALWAYS helped me feel safe to where I could "talk" and "have feelings".

When you grow up in a home where a parent has a problem with alcohol or was in some way abused or neglected, often what happens is you end up witnessing someone being hurt and expected to conceal their hurt where the toxic individual ends up being the only one who's feelings "matter".

That is what I have too much of in the individuals around me in my life. I married a man that was a binge alcoholic and he did a lot of things that disrespected "me and my emotional health and well being". What I have noticed about him and his disease is how even though he has been sober for about 25 years, his life still revolves around that disease. He still has that Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde personality "disorder" about him and I tend to see that a lot when I am hurting badly and need him to listen and it ends up where HIS feelings about whatever it is needs to be the LOUDEST. Because of this I end up getting to a point around him where I struggle to "talk".

Ironically, my older sister tends to be the same way where HER feelings always have to take precedent and I can't even hear her voice without getting badly triggered. Every time she talks to me her tone REEKS of condescension or anger if I don't give HER feelings all the POWER. Both of them practice the SAME kind of denial too, they refuse to recognize the things they say and do that are HURTFUL. (ironically, they are both the oldest child)

One of the things I have noticed that isn't just in myself but something I have noticed others struggle with in this forum is how their personal ability to think and function has been deeply disrupted by others who often behave in dysfunctional ways. We are born to "navigate" but, we are all unique when it comes to how we navigate the best. Unfortunately, we set a bar when it comes to learning and developing our personal level of navigating and within this bar of judgement we fail to actually "help" our very young children to properly develop their personal way of navigating.

I had a really hard time when it came to developing my language/speaking as I have mentioned before in other posts my father NEVER just let me finish a sentence no matter how much I tried to say something correctly. I began to struggle putting my thoughts into speaking my thoughts and began slurring my words. I had to work so hard at this challenge for so many years. The other thing is that I was the youngest and that made me FEEL behind and constantly struggling to catch up, even physically.

When I found this site there was something it provided to me that I was not getting IRL. It gave me a way to have some privacy alone to hang onto my ability to gather words in my mind and talk them out. What others did not get to see is how long it was taking me to do just that too. Having another individual respond to me in a normal way was VERY important to me. Things were so bad IRL that when I came to this site I had to look at my statistics so I could remember what I had posted and also to see if I got responses.
The other thing it provided to me was a different place I could be where I at least had a chance to be who I was IRL before what I was was so badly destroyed. I helped others who struggled, especially children. Including my own child who had special needs that I worked my life around making sure I was there to help her.

Then I began having flashbacks and they frightened me. I began remembering and flashing back to things in my past that I had not thought about in many years. I was so crippled by them and I began to think I was being punished for "not telling" when I experienced these traumatic events and situations. I was right about that, that I needed to tell and how that can reduce the power of them when I experience them. BUT, what is important when it comes to "telling" is not to do this with the very same dysfunctional people that you could not talk to about it in the first place.

Within that group included the very professional people I reached out to for help. Sadly that is reflected in my records where it was recorded what I said and their responses that only assisted in my not being heard and only further criticized and labeled wrong which only added to my being further misunderstood and led to my only being further traumatized. So, instead of getting help to restore my identity despite all the overwhelming loss I suffered that traumatically affected who I was as a person, I faced further destruction and loss instead.

If I had not finally come across this site AND the therapist that helped me the most, who really understood TRAUMA therapy, I would have never regained myself. As much as I was struggling there was a part of me that felt really sorry for anyone else that experienced this challenge. Truth is, I have always been two people inside my brain, one that struggles and has been traumatized and the other that witnessed her older brother so badly abused and hurt that she grew to want to find a way to HELP this hurt child that she KNEW did not deserve to be so badly abused and hurt every single day for YEARS.

Recently I noticed a thread about the four F's and that most don't know about the fourth F. That was an important thread for me to read. A reaction to trauma can include "fawning". I did all the other reactions, fight, flight, and freeze, but I also FAWNED a lot. My entire childhood I witnessed my older brother being hurt and abused and I have a lot of flashbacks of how much he was hurting and all I wanted to do is find a way to "comfort" him.

When I was in therapy with this trauma specialist and also coming here and reading about all the different challenges different members had, I began to wonder if I might have two different identities that I just was not aware of. I always felt that others would not understand how part of me could be so strong and outgoing and yet another part of me was suffering and struggling. There therapist I was seeing talked about doing EMDR therapy with me. He told me he had a patient he did that with and what he and the patient discovered was that she had more than one personality. So when I heard that I chose not to do that therapy because I was struggling so much with these flashbacks already that I did not want to think about having some other problem. When I have these flashbacks I am in every way the age I experienced whatever flashback I am having. Yet, I don't have different names or inner conversations like I have noticed others describe having. Instead, I am always me, but just different ages. I do have a lot of trauma in my history especially now that I have learned that one can be very traumatized when witnessing someone else constantly being traumatized.

The one area I get triggered the most in is when I see someone being targeted and hurt and abused and disrespected and that includes witnessing that happen with animals too because I also witnessed animals being abused yet that was when there were no laws in place that protected animals. Actually, a lot of the things I witnessed would not be allowed today especially what I witnessed happen to my older brother. It's been hard waiting all these years to finally see something recognized that I knew was wrong at such an early age and yet had to continue to witness happen my entire childhood.

When I joined this site I came across an individual who struggled to "talk" and this individual considered "self' to be a social retard. When I got to slowly hear about this individual's history I began to recognize what kind of environment led to this individual having this challenge. It was someone who spent a lot of time with "words" too. It is like witnessing a person trying so hard to reach out for something they want while doing that yet not being able to grasp it. I know how that feels and I sure had to work very HARD at grabbing onto it myself. This individual tended to use words I rarely use and I actually liked looking these words up and thinking about them because most of my life revolved around children and communicating with these children on a level that was easier for them to understand. Especially when the child struggles with words like my own child often did. I was very conscious about my own history and wanted to make sure I did not do what was done to me and what I witnessed my older brother experience. What I wanted to do for this individual is to help this individual feel "safe" to experiment without facing some kind of criticism. I always knew when this individual was trying and I wanted to see this individual continue to make gains. Unfortunately, I ended up seeing this individual pursued and provoked and I saw the reaction that resulted in watching this individual lose ground and I have to say it triggered me.

What is so upsetting and sad for me is being able to see something that can be helped and yet NO ONE else sees it and how that results in only making it worse. I am so grateful that there have been others that noticed and did make it a point to study and understand it. That what I saw so many years ago was finally noticed and children like my older brother were better understood and helped rather than be subjected to constant abuse and neglect.

By now I am sure anyone patient enough to read through this thread is wondering what this has to do with "How Xmas shopping got too hard". Well, because this year so much has changed in my life that going out Xmas Shopping was trying to do something I don't know how to do anymore. I still have last years Christmas present that I got for my father in the back of my car. The last time I saw my father and wanted to finally give it to him I was visiting my mother in the rehabilitation facility and I went to visit my mother alone and when I walked in she was in a wheel chair holding the telephone and she looked up at me and she was so happy to see me. She had been trying to call me and could not figure it out and she was scared and lost and wanted me to help her.

I did not cry or lose it, I went right into "Fawn" and comforted her to help her find her way to understanding where she was and that she was safe and that I was there for her. She had pooped herself and I watched her get helped by two women that put her on the bed and cleaned her up. Knowing how my mother likes to listen to people I asked the women questions about themselves and they talked about themselves and she listened and then when she was all cleaned up they put her in a fresh night gown and got her comfortable in her bed so I could go over and give her a kiss and tell her how much I loved her. She told me how much she misses me and the next thing I know my sister appeared in the doorway with my father in a wheelchair and he looked so frail. I got to kiss my father and give him a hug and I remembered his gift. My sister left the room to go out to her car and I wish I had just stayed where I could be alone with him and my mother. But I didn't and just thought about the gift I had in that car for so long. By the time I got to the doorway to exit the building I had the worst attack EVER and I really thought I was having a massive heart attack because the pain was so horrible it was all I could do to not fall to my knees. I kept hearing my sister saying "we don't want YOUR drama" and all I thought about was getting to my car so if I was dying I would not be a bother. How horrible is that?

I sat in my car shaking and every part of my body hurt. It wasn't just the old studder where it's just my inability to talk, it was my entire body experiencing it. I sat in that car and no matter how much I wanted to go back and see my parents, there was no way I could. It was such a horrible feeling and I was so alone with it too. It was not seeing my parents that created this attack either, it was seeing my sister. I don't "give" her this power either, IT'S JUST THERE. It's the same challenge that little child in me had where she was trying to talk and every effort she made was picked apart disabling her.

My sister's behaviors towards me these past few years has deeply hurt and traumatized me. I have also witnessed her get very mean and bossy with both my parents and I have watched both my parents frightened by her to a point where they were both behaving like she was rushing them and they were showing me how it was stressing them.

Since reconnecting with my older brother the elephant in the room has really been standing out. This elephant is very angry and because I can't see my parents without her HUGE presence looming over them along with just how badly I suffered that day when my entire body was filled with pain, I don't know if I will ever be able to see my parents again. When I went Xmas shopping I saw things I know my parents would like and I found myself standing with these things holding them flooded. My husband was with me and he ended up seeing someone we both knew and stood talking and talking and talking and I was in no condition to socialize. I ended up staying at a distance and yet I wanted to leave that store and find my way past the flooded way I was feeling. I did get angry and the next thing I knew my husband was yelling at me and he said some awful things that just added to my pain.

I really did not want to do Christmas AT ALL. And I did not want to get yelled at and I did not ruin anyone else's Christmas and all that I ended up experiencing was how much my husband needed HIS EMOTIONS to rule over anything I had been struggling with. I felt like I was drowning in an ocean and trying to reach out for some kind of life preserver and everyone around me kept yelling at me and grabbing any life preserver I managed to find away from me. Every effort I tried to make to articulate what I was experiencing was met with anger and a loud voice drowning me out. And I began struggling with the studdering like I did when I was little.

I kept trying very hard to get through this holiday and I tried to find ways to reduce my exposure to things that I know trigger me. One of those things included trying to at least talk to my parents to wish them a Merry Christmas and tell them I love them without having to experience my sister. So, I asked my husband to call and ask for my parents and he did not want to do that but gave in and the Elephant did not want to give up her control either and made it a point to be nice but make sure to announce that while my husband was on the phone it was actually ME calling. And she told my husband that my mother could not talk because she was in the shower, and then when I did get to talk to my father he told me THE TRUTH and I had to hear her yell at him and he got quiet. My father doesn't lie and it was hard to hear him get quiet and have to say to him, "Dad, it's alright, you can tell me the truth" and I hear him be quiet again and I could tell he was "afraid" and that was SO UPSETTING. So, again I had to say to him, "Dad it's ok, I just want to with you a Merry Christmas and let you know I love you and that if you can please let mother know I love her too where ever she is".

New Year's day was the beginning of a new year and yet again I am facing a new year with a call from my sister STILL not letting me know where my mother is. She will ONLY tell me if I go see her so she can instruct me on the changes she is making. My sister insists she is not being MEAN to me even though she has been MEAN to me. Even though when I tried to call and just wish my father a happy birthday a few weeks earlier she yelled F you twice at me and hung up on me. That she refuses to tell me where my mother is unless I go to her and ALLOW HER TO exert her power and control over me?
Someone suggested I ask to meet in a public place so she will behave, that doesn't stop her, she has already raged at me in public.

I expressed my concern to my husband about exposing myself to her and how bad that can be for me. The answer I face is how HIS FEELINGS about it MUST be louder than mine. The next thing I know, I spiral down into my studdering where I can't form words.

I finally saw IT. When I say IT, what I mean by that is how all of these flashbacks do mean something and I sure have repeated them and others have most definitely told me, OE, you are repeating again. Trauma, and abusive/dysfunctional people cause a disruption in how an individual thinks and functions as a human being. I have read a lot of threads in this forum from different people who struggle like I do, but the one thing we have in common, at least that I have noticed is how the trauma suffered caused damage to that effort to have one's own pattern in their mind where they learn to function, just as when I face not being heard or not being exposed to an individual that can actually LISTEN and allow me to FEEL MY FEELINGS SAFELY, I begin to studder.

The past week alone I have been paying attention to conversations I have with people around me in my life DIFFERENTLY. What really helped me was the conversation I had when I called the member I got to know here out of desperation and how this member handled this conversation with me THAT WAS DIFFERENT where I began to talk normal again.

What saddens me deeply is how when I am with my mother I get to see her in a different light and I can ONLY get to know where she really is ONLY if I get to see her alone. What has been so deeply upsetting to me NOW is knowing she is alone some place and that I am not allowed to know where she is and I keep seeing her the way I saw her that last time, so happy to see me and how she relaxed and felt safe. The elephant that gets in the way is the problem and this elephant is blind. This elephant confidently told me that she doesn't HAVE TO tell me where my mommy is.

This is something I never imagined EVER experiencing. Xmas was very very sad this year and so is this new year from what little I have experienced of it.

Sorry for this very long post, thanks for taking the time to read it. Perhaps there is something in this long post that a reader may find helpful for themselves.