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Originally Posted by QuietMind
Interesting thing your T said about disclosing less to you!
I feel my T is really opaque, and yet she's said the opposite to me: That she discloses more to me and is more "open" because she thinks I need it. However, I still perceive her as opaque. And I'm definitely someone curious about my therapist's life. For instance, I found both her public and private instagrams through googling and told her when I did. She, too, wanted to discuss why I told her. So we talked about how I'm curious and how guilt made me want to confess to her.
I'm glad your T wasn't shaming or punitive when you told her you found her BF's full name despite her not wanting you to know.
About wanting your Adult Self to run the show and not completely the boundary pushing Child Part, my T calls it "emotion mind" when one does things out of emotion. We do also take about child and adult parts. I swing between that mindset and a much more rational mindset. T talks about achieving Wise Mind. It's a DBT thing:
Emotion mind |---- Wise Mind ----| Rational mind
She talks about developing mindfulness so that I can pause before I react out of emotion mind / child part.
Edit: fixed broken tags
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Thank you. It seems like we have some behaviors in common regarding searching then telling! Did your T also tell you that Googling is okay, and not to feel guilty, or did she think your guilt was valid? I've taken a DBT course too so I know about the states of mind. My T is also big on mindfulness. I have to work on not reacting out of emotion mind and getting my adult part to comfort my child part when she wants to react right away. I'm also curious about your T wanting to disclose more because she thinks you need it, when my T feels the opposite. Can you post about that or send me a PM?
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Originally Posted by confused_77
When I was reading about your latest session I was thinking how professional your therapist is and it seems like she reacted exactly how she should which is: focus on finding the solution instead of dwelling and extensively discussing what happened and how it made you both feel.
The way you describe her reactions and responses is that she was trying not to focus on your emotional intensity but instead on how to control it. You say she ignored those few attempts of you trying to stir it up even more: 'I want to be punished' and when this didnt provoke a reaction being more extreme with the 'spanking'
And it seems all you wanted was this 'non-proffesional' reaction of anger that would prove its two people talking not a therapist-patient.
She does love you, I am sure she means it but I don't think you 'hear' when she says it because its not the type of love you want from her: this is the professional, caring love of a therapist not of a family memeber or friend.
You've mentioned before that you would not google any of your friends etc thats why i think that this boundary crossing is specific to you and t. It really seems to me that you are trying to creat a closness that will never be there and if that cannot be achieved you act to provoke a reaction that would be humanly (like anger) and not professional.
It seems to me that this makes you 'a little depressed'.
Again, I might be so so wrong. This story does strike a chord with me but I don't think the relationship I have in mind is one between me and t, just somone who is unapproachable. it seems indifference is the worst reaction, far worse than anger...
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I had been wondering why I felt disappointed and slightly depressed after my session, along with vague, unsettled feelings. I knew it had to do with T's reaction, but you nailed it! I dislike when she always switches everything to me and my life, but you wrote so clearly about her reasons and my disappointment. I wanted to focus on the feelings and not the solution. She even started to talk about alcohol and I stopped her because I knew she was going to say it's like an addiction. This pattern isn't new to me but no other T talked about early attachment issues as the cause, like my current T does. She wants me to take care of my parts and "run the show" but I don't try hard enough to do that when it's about her and me.
It confused me though I wasn't totally surprised when it seemed like my T didn't care that I Googled her bf! It seems like she didn't tell me his last name more for my sake than for hers, because she thinks knowing too much fuels my desire to merge with her (her words). I thought it was because she wanted to keep it private, but no, she said everything is available on the internet, just don't TELL HER I do it. So, does she think I acted disrespectfully or not? It's only the telling her that was disrespectful, apparently. So that part was "two people talking" but you're right, I didn't get the anger and punishment I thought I deserved. She was indifferent, and I get what you mean. That's the worst thing. She was and is only interested in my emotional state, feelings, and ability to become healthier. As it should be, of course.
So, my work in therapy is still to find a way to take care of my own parts and be able to separate from my T, something I never did with my own mother until after she died.
I don't KNOW how to tell that part who wants to know things that she can't do that. Now it's okay to Google, so maybe I can tell her that's okay but work on not needing to tell my T? Or that Googling isn't good for me.
Confused, my feelings are more intense when it's about my T, and I don't Google my friends except one time when one of them wouldn't tell me her age, but I do feel shut out when they don't tell me things I want to know. Not information I can Google, more like their plans. So I think I need to be able to tell that part that they are not shutting her out, it's just that some things are private. T commented that I keep some things private, that everyone has that right. Obvious to an adult.
So, I'm going to write down for T what I can tell that child part, and also ask her more about it. We need to discuss if her disclosing more to me will help or hinder me. I told her she teased me by telling me "half the story." That's what it felt like.
I'm sorry to keep writing about this. No one has to read or respond. I'm feeling guilty about that too, now. I'm not sure why so many people are interested, so I hope my writing is at least helpful for some of you. I am writer, not a professional one, but it's my preferred way of communicating.