I told him that last session I had sexual thoughts about him in session. Later I was telling him that at times the transference is really painful and that if I didn't know that it wasn't really about him it would be unbearable. Then I noticed he really didn't seem that present and I asked him how he felt about everything I have just been saying to him. He said "I have a lot of responses. I could list a few if you want". I said "well I'm picking up on something from you. I think following that perception would be more productive than you just listing random reactions" he agreed.
He asked when I noticed it. I said it was either around the time I mentioned sexual feelings about you in session or when I was talking about the transference.
He said the transference stuff felt 'heavy' (uh welcome to transference T). He said he was wondering like I was whether it was worth this pain for me (I had mentioned reading a book which had questioned whether the end justifies the means with transference work), and that he was thinking about his own part in causing me pain. I said that I have made my decision that it's the right thing for me to work through this. I said I am capable of making that decision for myself. I said it's just frustrating because it's so drawn out. I said he doesn't need to make a value judgement about the transference.
He responded by saying I don't need to reassure him. He only told me that in response to my question about his reaction. He could manage those feelings himself. I said "and I can't tell you my response to what you just said?" He said "of course you can". I said "well that's my response"
I got tearful and he asked what was happening. I said I felt emotional and don't know why. He said it feels like we went down a level, to a place where we both care about each other. He was worrying about his impact on me and I was worrying about my impact on him.
He said he wondered how the caring feelings were linked to the sexual feelings. I said they are two feelings I am allowed to feel towards him but not express to him. So when I did express my care and he said "don't worry about me" it felt like rejection to me.
I said maybe I'm asking you how it feels for you because I'm searching for intimacy. A more mutual intimacy. He thought for a while and said "maybe the search for intimacy is what it is all about". Time was up so we hugged and I left.