I am glad that I finally gave in to the idea that I might not be able to lower my medication ever again (or at least for a very long time) and made the call to my pdoc. I thought I would regret calling my pdoc and had those thoughts, such as, "She's going to think that I can never go down on my medication ever again, since the attempt to lower it failed." After battling with this thought, I realize I need to do what's best for me at this time, or things will continue to spiral out of control. I'd rather feel a little numb and sedated right now from medication, rather than go through mixed manic hell. Acceptance feels pretty good right now. I am feeling down and depressed, sometimes losing hope, but I need to work on staying in the moment more. If I have to stay on all these meds for life, then maybe that's what needs to happen to live a better life.