Therapy today was really powerful for me. We touched on some of the trauma work we did last week. He asked how I felt afterwards. Exhausted. A little relieved that I can now talk to him about it. Last week he wanted me to think of one thing to tell him this week that I haven’t told him before. I ended up saying well this isn’t the biggest secret I have kept but it is something I haven’t told him before. I told pc people here long before I told him today. I said that it was embarrassing to admit and I’m not proud of it. I told him that when I saw his med kit and he told me about the patients who SI and how he cleans their wounds or otherwise patch them up that it made me jealous. I feel sick for being envious of that. People who sI are in enormous pain and I should not envy that. T then softly said that I don’t need to hurt myself to be worth care and attention. He then surprised me maybe even startled me by a very caretaking gesture. I thought he was offering me hand lotion as he sometimes does when I scratch my hands out of anxiety. He gently took my hands and put it on for me. Even though this is something my manicurist would do without a thought it really felt caring in this setting. I hope this doesn’t sound creepy because it did not feel that way it genuinely felt like the nicest thing anyone has done for me. I told him I might just cry but in a good way. I had a strange reaction at first maybe it was a flush of adrenaline because it was so unexpected and intimate. Afterwards we talked about the Turpin case in the news and how other clients have been affected too. Lately t has been very perceptive of my body language. I guess after dipping a toe into trauma talk I was curling by into a ball and he pointed it out that I’m going into the fetal position. That’s how hard this stuff is to talk about. I somehow got on the subject that there are times I wonder if it would have been better if I had met him as a friend. It was kind of him to say I am just quirky enough to be the kind of person he would be friends with. Followed by a gentle version of the boundary talk. I knew that was coming. That he would not do what he did with most people because I understand and respect the boundaries. An oddly intimate session yet there is the boundary discussion as gentle as it was. I still feel emotional over this session. A little dazed too. But ok I think.