In Session Today : Part III

For me, there is a big difference in Runcible's message from her therapist as opposed to a generic I care about you statement. In Runcible's case, there is a 3 year + history with a therapist who has very carefully considered their interactions over time and has waded into territory that most therapists either won't or can't do (such as examining their own motivations and responses).

Also, I don't think many therapists would write this at all--except maybe an I care--and it especially strikes me as meaningful because the one Runcible has been seeing just doesn't throw things out there.

A crappy 24 hours and I emailed:

Good morning MLK

I am in need to talk to you because…not a need, but a strong wish for comfort because of my work being XXX... ...and I want to lean on someone who understands me…and that voice, very very tiny voice that wanted to throw in the towel after 8 hours of XXX....I should have called Donald in the Big House. He cares about us citizens stuck in sh%* holes. LoL! Only I don’t feel stuck. Just sad today because XXX SUCKS!!!!!!!

What will you charge me? I am sure I can get my bank to send you a check… but you with your kindways will say don’t worry about it. I don’t mind really.

I have not been to bed yet, so I should go now and get an hour or two.

Kindly,
XX

MLK’s response:

Good Morning AesB
Can you call me around 11:45-12:15 PM today? If you want or need more time let me know.

The point I was trying to make was not about the content of caring or whether a therapist cares. It was about the language that people thought/recognized/found meant caring.

I think that the therapist is somewhat echoing how Runcible sees "caring," and is saying that she agrees with it. And I do think it is nice.

But I understand what you mean, if it were me I would prefer just a direct "I like you," or even "I like working with you." I'm not even there yet with my therapist tho. Right now I tend to end the session with "So, am I fired yet?" and he says "No, am I fired yet?" and then I say, "no," and we set up another session. That's about as touchy-feely as we get. No hugs, no touching. I'm ok with that.

Ah, I see.....Well, I think I do...kind of...

So you aren't arguing that RS therapist was not saying that she didn't care merely that you yourself find it difficult to see the care or vulnerability in the message she wrote and whilst a lot of people on the board do see it you simply cannot. Somewhat similar to the time your therapist said they cared about you. You cannot seem to connect them saying those words to them showing vulnerability or genuine feelings for you and you don't want to. That's interesting..... Not something I completely understand if I am being honest but I think we may view things from very different angles. Some interesting and honest observations nonetheless.

Thanks everyone.
There are always going to be differing opinions to something a T writes. I don't mind anybody's response and at no point on this thread have I felt criticised or like my T is being criticised.
I think what is important for me is that this email relates to me, my T, our relationship and our history. He wrote it to me and I found it helpful, thoughtful and honest. That is what matters to me, and I suspect to him too.
Ruh Roh, thanks for what you wrote; you have a better understanding than most of my relationship with my T through the years (and an enviable memory!). You are right that there is so much history behind this point in our relationship, and that adds extra layers of depth to the letter which might not be apparent on the surface.
I really appreciate everyone taking the time to share their thoughts on his response, I've found it really interesting and useful to hear other perspectives.
I replied telling him that the email helped to ease my anxieties, as I felt he understood me. And thanking him for it.

Yes and thus if I had received that sort of response (and it is the sort of thing to woman did at me And it did frustrate the bejesus out of me), I would not/did not feel heard or understood. I would have/did felt messed with and dismissed. I did want to understand what the hell the woman was talking about and why even if I did not want the reason for it.Understanding what was being done or said is different from wanting the thing done.
And I am amazed that most people are not like me according to what is being written here. It really does surprise me.

It even seems difficult for me to figure out ways to convey what I'm talking about here without people jumping in the wrong direction about what point I'm making.

Well it's been a minute since I've been inspired to discuss therapy. Today was my first session with New T.

He started asking about goals. What measurable and observable ways am I going to be able to measure progress toward those goals.

Then he asked about my therapeutic history. Told him about RoboT briefly, and he asked what about that relationship went awry. I described it as the perfect storm. Too much self disclosure, my transference, the retirement, etc. He said he'd never really talk about himself and that he was always willing to discuss any transference or countertransference that may arise.

He did a genogram. I think he was surprised by how few people I felt were important enough to include.

Then we went through a light touch trauma history. I mentioned my prior psychiatric stuff, and he asked me about diagnosis. I said I'd never been diagnosed with the same thing twice, who knows, etc. He asked what RoboT diagnosed me with and I said I didn't know for sure, he filed insurance as MDD, but I know a lot of therapists won't actually put their real thoughts on an insurance form. New T said he'd probably do the same, but that he felt like a diagnosis can be helpful to guide treatment and the conversation. Which makes sense to me.

I don't remember how but he started talking about his process. That it sounded like I may use intellectualization as a defense mechanism and that he'll be trying to push me past the hypo feeling state. I said that something else RoboT did that was bothersome is how he'd let me leave super emotional and then I'd hurt myself. I got really anxious. He asked if he was right to detect a shift. I said yes.

So he pulled a tissue out of the box and handed it to me. "Tear this tissue into 16 squares," which was annoying because I'm such a perfectionist. He kept reassuring me that I was doing well.

Then he asked if I could arrange the squares from largest to smallest, which was too much, I said no.

"That's fine. But are you thinking about what we were talking about a minute ago? That's a grounding exercise that I like.

Now that you've told me that you've struggled with the emotions in the past, I'm going to ask you every time at the end if you're okay to leave. If you're not, I'm not going to let you leave here and hurt yourself. Even if that means I need to push appointments, I'll do it."

I took a deep breath and he asked how it felt to hear that. I said good but that I don't want to cross boundaries.

We talked a little about my anxiety about H and I starting fertility treatments. That I'm afraid I won't be able to cope with the mood fluctuation. I wish I could remember what he said to that.

Then we went into housekeeping. He said email was bad, phone was good. I laughed and said I'd probably never call. "even if you were thinking about hurting yourself? No? I would want you to."

He looked through my intake paperwork and asked about impulsivity. I make big decisions without thinking sometimes. Then he was asking about repetitive thought. I said sometimes. That sometimes I struggle to take in external stimuli because I'm engulfed with internal thoughts. He said he wanted me to this other screening and it's about dissociation. I didn't think I dissociated often but I'm looking at this screener and maybe?

Paid, scheduled for next Friday. I like him, which makes me anxious. I haven't had a good picking instinct when it comes to therapists.

Monday 1-26
Leading up to session I had an interesting discussion with a friend that I wanted to share. Then I ended up in an impromptu meeting for work. As this meeting started to approach three, I started to try to get off the call. They were still going strong. At 10 mins to 3, I told them I had to go. I still needed to get changed, put the dogs out, and do oral care.

As I was getting ready, started feeling some love for you, connected to you, and some sadness. I wanted to try and stay in that headspace. I went looking for something to take with me that would help. I didn’t find anything, eventually I decided to just leave. I contemplated which coat. I decided I could just wear a sweater since I was driving. On the drive in, I kept playing with the radio because the songs did not work for me; allowing me to stay connected to feeling little. I start thinking about the words we used the last time you took vacation. I wondered if you remembered them. I wondered if I needed you to say them.

I got your office about 20 minutes after three. I parked in your parking lot. I went around the corner, up the stairs, through the doors, and down the stairs. I got the bottom of the stairs and was a little confused. I got lost as to what to do next. I ended up pausing there for a minute. My body wanted to go in the waiting room but I knew I needed to do something else. I needed to push the button – ah yeah, I went over to push the button. Still confusion, oh, there’s your button. I pushed it and went into the waiting room. Somebody else already there and sitting where I usually sit. I sat at a chair further in the room, the same one from last Monday and proceeded to get everything needed out of my backpack. I arranged the journal sheets in my notebook. While looking through my notebook, I saw the photo of the filing cabinet. I pulled it out and put it on the front of the notebook so it would be more with me. I pulled out my phone and got the photo my leg ready. I pulled out my other phone and started reading a post on the forum. I finished reading a long post and checked the time. It was one minute to go in your earlier person still had not left. I thought maybe you didn’t have an earlier person. A few moments later the earlier person came out and went right up the stairs. You came out and used the restroom. While you were in the restroom, the therapist with the door to the waiting room, came out and got the other person. You came out to get me. You had high energy, smiles, hi… hi… I wanted to stay in the earlier headspace, at the same time was easy to want to just put it off to the side; wear the mask. I could be happy with you, just talk.

I followed you back to the office. I came in and moved the pillow, I put my backpack down, and sat down. I don’t remember if I asked how your weekend was first or showed you my leg. I think I went right to the leg. I pulled up the photo of my leg from this morning and handed you my phone. It was clear that my leg is doing much better. We talked about much better it was; so much better that where it was before. I told you I could still feel the seromas. They were right under the skin. I told you that they were not very large. You asked me if I could fill in my leg. I said that I can feel them when I touch my leg. I said that my leg used to fill the big one when it was large.

You handed me back my phone and I set aside. I asked you how you’re doing and how your weekend was. You said it was… you hemmed and hawed… paused and then said it was good. You asked me how my weekend was. I paused. I thought it wasn’t good, it wasn’t bad. I was both different times. Eventually I said it was a roller coaster. You said up, down, and you motioned to the circle that whatever that’s called, curliest Q. It was funny because you did the circle motion with your arms, I was already thinking the curliest Q.

I started to say something about being playful this morning with one friend, that I wasn’t sure if I was playful with another friend. I restated that I was playful and joked around with the one friend first thing this morning. Then I said that I was feeling that twentysomething man while I was showering. I was feeling happy and comfortable.

I said that later in the day I read the friend’s response to my Thursday session notes. I had written in my notes about not asking for help with your vacation trip. I had said that it wasn’t a matter of not being able to ask but I just didn’t know what would help. I told you that the friend suggested to circle the troops/parts. You said campfire. I said yes and said that I wondered if that was enough of a back story. I pulled out the chat between the friend and myself.

I reread the first bit and confirmed that I had shared enough of a back story. I handed you a copy of it and I had a copy. I said I didn’t know how to go through this. I wanted you to go through it. You didn’t know either. I said I wasn’t sure if I want to read it out loud because it wasn’t the same as before. It really didn’t have anything to talk about from an analyzing actual discussion way. I wanted you to have information that was in it. I thought there was some really good things in it but it seemed kind of long to have you read it. I just sat there for a minute trying to figure out how to go forward with it. Eventually I just started reading the first section. It was something I had posted. You asked if I wanted you to read the friend’s part. I indicate yes so you did.

We continued through the discussion reading each other’s parts. I was embarrassed about the stabbing you with the pencil part. Several parts embarrassed me. I had shared dialog before, never in this way with something between this friend and myself. I wondered what you thought of our interactions.

I got to the line about trying to be big. I paused us here. I wanted to talk about the concept of being big. I talked about it. I don’t remember what I started with. I know I said that it was hard to be big, hard to leave. I said stuff like not wanting to be big and that it wasn’t fair. I didn’t say that I was just a kid/child. You asked me something and I responded with be an example. You said big sister. You say stuff about it not being fair and it is ok to be angry. These words are not reassuring me today.

I wasn’t able to go with this. It felt fake or forced. I was fighting with myself, inside myself. I was feeling what I felt; what I was saying. At the same time, I thought analytically about what was being said, what it really pertains to or was about. I said I didn’t want you to go I think you said you knew. I was getting frustrated at the tug of war inside myself and I said something about this not being about you. You asked me to clarify. In my mind, I could see it. I could see myself being that 3-4 yr old child and mommy telling me to stop crying, it was time to grow up, that big girls don’t cry. I think, big girls are helpers. I don’t remember these as memories. I just see it. It’s equivalent to a fantasy, it’s an example. The first memory of those types of thoughts are not from 3-4. They were there at 7, 10, 13, all the time.

I tell you I don’t want to be big. I say something about you going on vacation; about you leaving. I said I don’t want you to go. I think you said you knew. I said I needed you to take care of me. You said you knew. Somehow the concept of needing something in case something bad happened to you was said. I think you said it in response to something I had said. I said that I needed you to take care of me but you won’t. You asked me something, you questioned this. I became quiet and withdrew within contain. Several different thoughts started going on and I shook my head no. After a few moments, a raise my head I said something about shutting it down or closing it off. You understood. You said something about being too painful and I shook my head no. I said that I wasn’t it was painful.

When talking with a different friend about it later this is what came out:
It was confusing. I couldn't stay with the free association of feelings. I was feeling these things about your trip and yet talking about it as if it was if was little and home with my mom. I could almost see the situation with my mom; like I was a fly on the wall there and seeing a scene there and feeling things, blending things between that imagery and your trip. It somewhat felt like I was trying to force the 2 together or something. It just started feeling ridiculous. I am not a child, you are not my mom, this is not then. I felt it was ridiculous to be upset in the now, that this is not then. I just kept trying to shake it all, stay with the feelings between you and I. I couldn’t. It was confusing. I feel lost and yet stable, almost non-feeling stable. The friend said something about me being triggered by big memory or something. I continued with saying it was more than just being triggered and being all upset about something that shouldn't really upset me. It was like being in both places at the same time. It was just weird, confusing, and I couldn't keep going forward with the session. Not really. I ended up shutting it all down. I could talk and interact with you, there wasn't much feeling. And I would just smile at the random times - not because something funny was said, just the absurdity of it all (life).

Back to session notes…
I was angry or the anger was starting. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t, tears just wouldn’t come. Some more was said. I don’t know what. Then you asked me, you said that you had something you want to talk to me about. You were unsure about bringing this up at this point. You wanted to make sure that I had space to talk about whatever I want to talk about. I said that I couldn’t be sure that I’d be open to whatever you had to say, but not talking about it now that it was said, probably won’t go well.

The anger really hit, I knew I wasn’t really mad at you. I was closed off and I let you know that I was not in a good spot but I needed you to go forward. You said that you wanted to talk to me about maybe doing a video visit on the week in February. I’m not sure if I chuckled here or not as I’ve written about you talking about that in future ones but not in the one in February. You said that you can’t always offer it; you could this time. I didn’t really respond yes or no, whatever. You said that we could talk about it. We had some time. I was angry I wanted to say no we don’t need to talk, we don’t need to have a video visit, I don’t need to see you. I don’t remember how I responded to this. There was a pause.

Eventually, I said that I could talk to you about what happened with a friend and personal trainer. I could easily use them as distractions. Did I want to use them as distractions? I was cut off and emotions were away – well I was angry. Somehow, we start talking about the anger. You asked me to describe it. I said it was like a hurricane, tornado, windstorm. You said it is a destruction. I said yes. You said there were similar but different tornado is more what it feels like. You asked me if I felt I was in the eye of the storm or outside the storm looking at it are on the edges of the storm. I said the storm was in me. You asked me where I felt it. I said core. I feel it in my chest and up to my head. My arms and my legs are part of it but they’re kind of more what happens when I let go of it; if I can’t keep it contained within. Then I get active destroy things. You said something about being held together by my skin. Held inside with my skin, suggests pressure to hold it inside. You described how I held my hands; how I cinched them, relax, and cinched them as the pressure fluctuates inside myself. I talked about how I grind my teeth. You said something about seeing it jawline. I said that that’s to keep me from talking, screaming, and yelling. It also keeps me from saying things that I don’t really mean or having things I don’t really want to have happen. I wanted to tell you to forget a video visit and not quite so polite words. I wanted to act out. I didn’t want to lose the option of a video visit, I didn’t want to appear ungrateful and lose what was being offered or have something taken away from me. You can always lose more than what you think you are risking when you are angry, when you act out.

We talked about something else in here before my watch went off. I was aware that your time was up. I pulled out my lab work and gave it to you. I summarized it and how it basically didn’t really tell us much very helpful. I told you that Dr. V. increased my thyroid. You asked me how much and I said that right now I was doing 75 and 90 alternating days and will increase it to 90 straight across. I told you that he did say that the low estrogen and testosterone mind may be causing the hot flashes. I asked you about wanting to know how low the estrogen has to go in order for you to get past the hot flash stage of menopause. You said you don’t know, can’t answer it. I said yeah, I read that it’s not quite so straightforward; lots of factors involved. I said that I still would kind a like to know how low do I need to get it. I told you that I had written about some of this - that I knew the stressed played a role in it, food, genetics, and lifestyle and this and that. You kind of smiled and started to say something, you made a sound. I don’t remember what it was but it was clear that you were thinking something. I asked you to share. You were not going to. I ask you again what are you thinking and you just smiled and said that anything with hormones is complex. You said something else that I took as you never really get a clear picture of what’s going on with hormones because it’s like trying to put together a puzzle in which the pieces are always changing (your words there). Your hormones are always in fluctuation. It is frustrating on this side of the equation to be the person having the fun the hormonal changes.

Our time was up I didn’t want to go. I said something about the personal trainer. I told you it was all in in the journal, then I give you a brief summary of it. I told you about feeling blown off. You said something about me and depression, sadder, down or something made me think about how I felt I was too depressive for the personal trainer. That’s what got me thinking about and got me telling you about the voice that brings my “too much, too depressive, too much sad, that people don’t like me because of being sad”. You said something about it being hard to talk back to that voice. There is no talking back to that voice, the voice is true.

Our time was up; time was really up. I packed away my stuff. I struggled with getting my notebook back in my backpack. Eventually I got it in there. We sat up it was time to say our closing. I didn’t want to say I love you. I wanted to say that I didn’t want to go, don’t make me go. I took a couple of breaths. Couple more. It took me a while to get to talking.

me: I love you
you: I know

I paused. You said something about having comfort in knowing that you know. I said I didn’t want to go. You said, “I know”. I said I feel like I am not allowed to live outside. You clarified the room and said something else here. I indicate yes, in the room. You thanked me for living inside the room. You thanked me for being me. I think you even said sad me. I’m yelling at myself to get up, move, time to go. I don’t want to go. I cried a few tears and wipe them away my face. I picked up my backpack. You said something about Thursday. I’m trying to tell myself three sleeps. It doesn’t make it world the difference. You’re gone, I’m gone. I start walk to the door and I say that I was dressed grr animals. You’re puzzled. I said don’t you remember the grr animals. You think, and you say you don’t remember. I said in the late 80s early 90s, so actually we’re much too old for it, grr animals came out. Remember the tags on the clothes so that you know what matched. It kind of rung a bell for you; you kind of remembered grr animals. I said that I realized it when I was sitting in the waiting room for you and found it amusing. I opened the door and headed out. I touched filing cabinet as I walked through the doorway. I turned back to close the door. Again, goodbye see you Thursdays. I closed the door and I touched the filing cabinet for a moment. I could have sat down right there but I had to go. I couldn’t be there when you open the door. I’m angry that it’s out in the hallway. Have to go, have to go now plays in my head. I leave quickly not running. I get to the car. I want to break down but I need to leave, to drive home. I’m angry at you I repeat in my head “I hate you I hate you I hate you”. Throughout today’s session you talked about the anger, you told me it was okay that was unfair. I don’t believe it. I’m a grown adult not a child. Life’s not fair. This is totally fair to your life. You owe me nothing but what you already give me. You already give me more than what you owe. You go well and beyond your job. I feel guilty for needing that, wanting that.

(((Daisydid))) i think i like him. He sounds very active.

We talked over the tues rupture, and things seem ok. He suggested art therapy because I struggle with expressing painful emotions and he says it helps with that, somehow.

He also thinks discussing attachment needs to be a big priority right now. He answered all my questions which was good, and still acted the same but on my end, it's still sadly different, its workable, but it's not the same, I don't get the same happy and excitement of joking with him anymore. its more like, ha, ok nice.

I also got my 50th hug, which yes its weird i kept track but it was a way for me to help process all the internal thoughts and emotions i was having over them as hugging has been a huge issue for me in life... so this was a pretty big deal.

Therapy today was really powerful for me. We touched on some of the trauma work we did last week. He asked how I felt afterwards. Exhausted. A little relieved that I can now talk to him about it. Last week he wanted me to think of one thing to tell him this week that I haven’t told him before. I ended up saying well this isn’t the biggest secret I have kept but it is something I haven’t told him before. I told pc people here long before I told him today. I said that it was embarrassing to admit and I’m not proud of it. I told him that when I saw his med kit and he told me about the patients who SI and how he cleans their wounds or otherwise patch them up that it made me jealous. I feel sick for being envious of that. People who sI are in enormous pain and I should not envy that. T then softly said that I don’t need to hurt myself to be worth care and attention. He then surprised me maybe even startled me by a very caretaking gesture. I thought he was offering me hand lotion as he sometimes does when I scratch my hands out of anxiety. He gently took my hands and put it on for me. Even though this is something my manicurist would do without a thought it really felt caring in this setting. I hope this doesn’t sound creepy because it did not feel that way it genuinely felt like the nicest thing anyone has done for me. I told him I might just cry but in a good way. I had a strange reaction at first maybe it was a flush of adrenaline because it was so unexpected and intimate. Afterwards we talked about the Turpin case in the news and how other clients have been affected too. Lately t has been very perceptive of my body language. I guess after dipping a toe into trauma talk I was curling by into a ball and he pointed it out that I’m going into the fetal position. That’s how hard this stuff is to talk about. I somehow got on the subject that there are times I wonder if it would have been better if I had met him as a friend. It was kind of him to say I am just quirky enough to be the kind of person he would be friends with. Followed by a gentle version of the boundary talk. I knew that was coming. That he would not do what he did with most people because I understand and respect the boundaries. An oddly intimate session yet there is the boundary discussion as gentle as it was. I still feel emotional over this session. A little dazed too. But ok I think.

It was a very supportive session. I mentioned an encounter with one of my apt. workers and my therapist discussed it objectively IOW she didn't take sides. I feel and know I can trust my therapist. She is an excellent listener , objective and very wise.

Thursday's Session:
I was running a little late from work I got caught up talking with a friend working with her on her session and I still need to finish up last sessions notes. At 4 o’clock I told the friend goodbye. I finished the editing of the last session notes and printed off your copy of the journal. I packed up, got changed, and headed out. I wanted to be more comfortable clothing if we were to be on the floor. As I was driving to session I debated about stopping at the toy store for these cars that I’d seen in the summer. It looked like I had enough time so I stopped. They didn’t have any of the cars. I was okay with that. Sure, I had wanted them, I wasn’t upset that they were sold out. It was a longshot to begin with. I continued to your office and got there 4 minutes before session. I parked, went around the side, through the doors, down the stairs, push the button and into the waiting area. No one was in the waiting area and that was nice, I was able to use the space I prefer.

I rearrange my stuff, got my notebook out, and was attaching my coat to my backpack when you came to get me. You startled me. I had my back to the door. You said hi. I said hi and I grabbed my stuff. I turned around to find you in all-black with a short sleeve shirt; that was new. I think you were not wearing glasses today. It’s funny, I can remember when you do wear glasses but when you don’t, I’m not sure if you did or didn’t. For some reason I think you were not wearing them today. You reset the button then we headed back. I went into the office set my backpack on the couch and paper sack on the floor. I sat down in my usual spot. You close the door and sat down.

We sat there I would look at you, at the floor look, at you. I took some breaths I didn’t know where to begin. I didn’t know what I wanted to talk about. I didn’t know what to say. More breaths, you breathed. These were like sighs. I was trying to calm myself and relax. Finally, I said hi. You said hi. I pulled out the boxes from the bag and set them on the floor between my legs. You responded positively to see in the boxes. I said something about first time bringing them. I proceeded to tell you my morning. I said how this morning and wanted to bring them so I pulled them out the cupboard. And I set them on the floor, I sat my chair just like this. I told you how I wanted to bring them and how I thought that it was your stuff. I told you that I thought about putting them away and bring something else. I grabbed the collage supplies. I thought this wasn’t what I wanted. I want to bring the cars so I packed the cars up, the collage supplies, and I looked around for something else to bring anything else. I joked about being Boy Scout ready for anything. You laughed that. I looked at the boxes and at you. I said your stuff. You acknowledged my stress about your belongings.

I left the boxes between my legs and proceeded to talk about something else. I said something about last session and how disconnected I’d been through the week. I said that it wasn’t that I didn’t feel things just that they were fleeting. I’d feel something for little bit and I would go back to feeling nothing, connected to nothing but I did feel things. I brought out my journal I told you that I wanted to read you what it come from talking to the about Monday’s session. I was having trouble reading it. The letters were all blurry. I worked my way through the section. You acknowledged how confusing, how hard it must have been. I made some comment about not being able to articulate what was going on for me at the time. You said that nobody could. Your body language was very relaxed, supportive, and helped relax me around talking about this. It seems that we talked about this a little bit more about it. I don’t remember.

I told you that I needed to go there, I need to get to that emotional place with you on this topic, but I keeps stopping short. You said there was time. I said something like “yeah your vacation is going to happen”. You acknowledged that your vacation was going to happen. You asked if I decided on the video visit. I laughed I said I was so angry at last session. I paused. You waited. Again, I said I was so angry. After a moment, I said I was angry at you offering the video visit. I said part of the closing down, cinching up, was to make sure I didn’t say something that I can’t take back. That I don’t say something that would result in me losing whatever was being offered, or have an even more taken away from me because of being ungrateful. So, keep it tight inside. You said something about pressure. I think that’s what you said. You continued talking, I don’t remember what you said. I continued talking about having things taken away. Several brief statements. I don’t remember exactly what I said, just that if you speak up or act out in anger, you could lose more than just the right here now.

I told you that I knew why I was angry at you for offering the video visit. It was because it wasn’t what I wanted. I want you not to go. You said something in understanding and support. I said I didn’t want to tell you “no” now because I might want to say “yes” later. You were puzzled by this thought process. I said something about not being able to change my mind. You questioned/challenged that. I suggest that I could probably change my mind up to the 12th. You started to counter that some. Really once I say “no”, there’s no changing my mind or I should say there’s no acting on a change of mind. I will give my answer and I will have to live with the consequences. Right now, I can’t see how I’ll be feeling that day. You’re still puzzled by this concept of not changing my mind. We don’t talk any more about it.

I indicated that I’m not mad anymore about offering the video visit. I said I still want to say no. If I don’t know why I want to say no. I mean really video visit or nothing seems pretty stupid to not take you up on your offer. I tell you that I don’t think it’s because I am intruding on your life and I don’t feel guilty your offering. Maybe there’s a little guilt, a little embarrassment. I told you that it was something else. I said maybe because of trying to put some distance between you and me. You said something about trying to protect myself. You asked me how I felt about protecting myself. I don’t remember answering your question. It does fill like that is what I’m doing; doing it to protect myself.

Something was said about your trip and my stressor of if something bad happened to you. I think this is when I remembered my dream. I told you about the dream in the nebulous way. I said I wrote about it and try to come up the words without actually telling you the dream. It was embarrassing, I can’t do dream stuff. Finally, I said that you know that I wanted something, needed something, or something was important to me and you did the opposite. This was not exactly what the dream was but kind of, and I told you that I figured it was all about this whole something bad happened to you situation. Laughingly, I said something about how in the dream, you knew how important this was to me. You seem to laugh at it, as well, and made some comments in line with what I was saying. I said that I knew that you are just giving me space to figure it out what all it means. You smiled maybe nodded.

There was a small pause and I am not sure exactly what was said or for how long there was a pause. Eventually, you said something about us talking about the details of the fantasy. I said something like I had told you about the details of the fantasy and that the fantasy was in great detail. You laughingly said that I had written about it but we had talked about it. Even the laughter in today’s session was relaxing fun nice. I took it all with the humor in warmth companionship, maybe not the right word something along those lines though. I said I was embarrassed about the fantasy.

We talked about this for a while. We talked about the space being important thing goodbye to. I said that the things there are one element of it. Then I brought up the point of being able to say goodbye to the space gives me a way to say goodbye to you while respecting your family. That’s kind of a dead weight of a statement right there. It seems like there was a moment there after that statement at the same time it doesn’t. I think we kept talking. That statement is the crux of one element. I think it was here that I started crying.

I’d rather say goodbye to you in person. I said compromise. Saying goodbye to the space would allow me to say goodbye to you too because you’re part of the space. You understood this and talked about us breathing the same air; going through the same door; touching the same things; touching the same floor. When you said the part about touching the same floor, I thought about our feet on the floor. My feet on the floor and a line to your feet. A connection being connected to you. I said something about having a person that knew you with me in the space to talk to about you as I go through this process is also important.

Somewhere in here I brought up the concept about being in the messy middle. I can see some light over there, some light over there, and sky at times. I am still in the messy middle. If something bad happens to you, I’ll be in messy middle. I said that I would be okay. I’d be sad and I angry. Ultimately, I’d be okay. What worries me most is how I would be okay; how would I get to being okay. The thought is that I would return to what I used to do to get by. You acknowledged this. I don’t remember exactly what you said here. We talked about the process being hard and the amount of pain. You said something about me wanting to continue on the path. Yes, I do want to figure out how to live, how to be happy again.

As we started to wind this topic down, you said that what you got from the discussion was that it is very important that you pick the right person. That I can trust that you would pick someone that would take care of me. I said that wasn’t quite it because as I was listening to you, I was thinking, I trust that she’ll pick the right person. I said something that clarified that I was talking about if you had a plan. You responded to me with a question that I heard as “do you conceive of a world in which you wouldn’t have something sorted out/in place”. Those were not your words but that is what I heard. I found this kind of humorous. I’ve talked to you before about sometimes someone can say just the right thing and it’s like it bursts the bubble of my obsessiveness or worry. This was sort of like that. You also had non-verbal communication that was congruent with being somewhat surprised and maybe amused, yes amused is part of it, at me being stuck at the if you even had something in place – not what that something was. I kind of laughed to all of this. It seemed so absurd having you say it out loud like that. I said yes in a way. I said, I don’t know. I said something about there not being a policy or rules. We talked about me not knowing what the expectations were. I made a comment about comfort in having those things, knowing what could be expected, what… what… what… would happen for me. I told you that as I’d been working through this I thought about the family lore. That at the time when my mom was pregnant with my sister, people come in and out and that maybe some of this was stemming from then. Maybe from never knowing who was to be there to take care of me; who is the next person to come through the door. This seems like a logical conclusion. I’m not sure it’s right it seems logical. You made some comment in support – how hard that would have been, scary... something along those lines.

Somewhere in here I said I love you. I think I surprised you with it. You softened your look and said I know. It was a warm and comforting I know. Melted.

As we move from this topic I brought up things from last night with my wife. I told you that one of the things W brought up was how when things were starting to fall apart for her, that I was the person that she’d go to for help and this time my answer was to go see a therapist. I told you that I responded by saying something about me reading picture books and playing remote control cars with my therapist (being childish not being big/adult). I said how W said it was more than just that or different than just that; that it was also some of me packing up my crayons and coloring books and going over there to color without her. That it was more than just excluding her. I said there was some of this “don’t even look at my coloring book” attitude. I said something about W not being wrong, that on one hand I was excited about the stuff I was getting and doing and on the other hand I was/am embarrassed about them and didn’t want anyone to know that I had the stuff. I said something about her not getting how hard it is for me. You made a comment about the remote control cars living in the back of a cabinet, in boxes and not on display. I told you that I really disliked her finding out about the blanket and it still bothers me whenever she brings it up.

I said that she was looking at a counselor. I told you about how she said that there was something wrong with everyone. I shared with you that W made the comment about not able to bring wine to the session. I jokingly told W that they couldn’t stop her. I said that they would probably stop her from drinking in session; however, as long as she wasn’t drunk when she went into session, they couldn’t really stop her. You laughed at this. You wanted to know what my thoughts were on this. I don’t think I answered you. I told you that I had asked W about it and she said that I had been pushing for it and MC had commented on it. I told you how I replied to W that she couldn’t trust MC because he is a therapist and that at the time for me, I had drunk the therapy kool aid. I think you laughed at that.

I told you that at first, I didn’t say any of that, that I let her talk and tried to listen. I said it was hard because I was disconnected. I knew that it was delicate as to when I said what, so I waited and worked my responses into the conversation on the way home from couples counseling.

At some point, I brought up my morning, how before I got the cars out, I and a thought/feeling. You said you love that word thought/feeling. I was embarrassed and was looking at the ground. I said that that thought/feeling was… I stammered. Finally, I said it, “oh hi mommy, there you are". I looked up at you to find an open and accepting gaze. I told you that it felt very much like a little kid at daycare that has been off playing with their friends only to look up/come around the corner and find you there without any understanding of how long you'd been there. You smiled at this story. I don’t remember you responding to it. It felt good.

Somewhere here my watch is gone off. We were almost at a time. I went to pack away the cars. You said something about at least coming being there. I said I wasn’t sure - your belongings. I’m so afraid of scratching something, damaging something. You don’t yell, yet I’m so afraid. I took some breaths. I sighed. You mirrored me. I don’t want to say I love you because I didn’t want to have to leave. I didn’t want to leave and I wasn’t heartbroken leave. Monday seems so far away. I said something about there being growth. After small pause I asked you if you saw growth. You took a breath in and I could just see it on your face in your in your expression that you are going to ask me what I thought you thought. I said don’t don’t you we were laughing. I said that there had been growth overall. I wasn’t sure if it still felt like there was growth in the last couple months. I said, that I wasn’t sure this still felt like there was growth but not any one direction is random. You said no vector. I said that didn’t answer the question. You again encouraged me to answer the question of what I thought you thought. I said something about thinking that there was growth. I indicated that I wasn’t confident in my thoughts. You looked at me. I looked at you. You said something, I didn’t hear it. I wish I knew what you said but I didn’t want to ruin it by asking you to repeat yourself. It seemed like it would be something fairly special and valuable. Based on the way you looked and the feeling I got from that, it was something very positive. I felt like it would lose that specialness if I was to ask you what you said.

me: I love you
you: I know
me: you matter a lot to me
you: I know

I made the comment that we didn’t talk about the extra sessions. You said that we had time and then remembered that I was trying to figure out a schedule for my working out. I reiterate that I’m just looking for general knowledge of if you got a plan in place. I ask if you have been thinking about how you want to structure your schedule or is it still just some nebulous future concept. You asked if I wanted to do three or four times a week and then you remind me about the wife’s insurance part of this whole package. Then you said that when you talk to other people, you were told that the insurance usually starts getting a little weird about it after three visits a week. You said that they start to want to have notes. You said you felt that was the invasion of privacy even though they are HIPAA compliant and all. You still felt like it got in the way. You talked about possibly doing some out-of-pocket and some through the insurance and wondered how that would work. I said that when I talked to wife’s insurance before, there were no limits or numbers visits a year. I said that that was last year though those things can change every year.

You brought up that the whole thing about the gender reassignment stuff going on and asked if I had received anything more. I said no. You said that it would be helpful for the billing people if anything more came in. I was saying that it would be no problem to bring that in. Then you asked something about primary insurance and secondary insurance. I said that I only had the one (wife’s) insurance plan with this insurance company (I used to be covered under 2 policies through them) but I do have my insurance plan. I didn’t know even how they sorted out what was primary what was secondary insurance is. You also were unsure. You wondered if you’d need to bill my insurance and get the denial before billing wife’s insurance. I gave you my insurance card (T is only in network with wife’s insurance and mine does not pay out of network) and you took a photocopy of it. I had said something about the time and you said that you had some time so we could do this.

I told you I have a meeting the other gym person on Friday and that I’d hoped to start working out in a couple of weeks. You reiterated that right now your schedule is Monday, Tuesday, and Thursdays. I’m still really hesitant to add just Tuesdays. We wrapped up. I stood up and we said our goodbyes, see you Mondays, have good weekends. I left, around and up the stairs, through the door. Bang. I forgot to catch the door, I cringe. I go out to the car and drove home – I am connected to you, already missing you.

Tonight's session was intense. Good, bad, all of the things.

It started out awkward, and it started out with me being irritated and not even knowing why (although I did call him out on the "it's not reassurance if I tell you what to say" thing, and then he was like "ok so I will not ask you what you need from me anymore" and then that frustrated me because it wasn't the same and on and on). And with C calling me out on being angry, and with me being like "why are you so obsessed with me being angry?" More on that in a second.

We talked again about my fear that he doesn't believe me. I was more blunt this time about what I was asking if he believed. I told him the car analogy and asked him if he believed that I was sometimes in the driver's seat, passenger seat, and back seat. He said he did, and he said that was normal for everyone, and then said "but I sense there's something more that you're not saying." Ultimately, his answer was enough for me to feel comfortable sharing parts stuff with him tonight.

I told him about my notebook. I pulled it out, actually, when my frustration at the beginning of the session seemed about to derail us into a long, unsatisfying session. I told him about the strange "recovered memories and then lost them again" experience. We talked about my experience with recovering memories, and I got a lot of affirmation that he believed my experience.

We talked about my fear over exploring memories and letting parts come forward, etc. My fear over recovering memories. I felt he understood how I was afraid of the emotional pain as well as afraid of what it might mean for my life today if I had to reconsider people/parts of my life given new information.

We talked about a little part missing him horribly, about how that part doesn't seem able to comprehend that him not being literally right here didn't mean him being gone. He said it sounded like a very small child; that felt validating. Things get a little fuzzy here, because that part was very far forward, so much so that my vision started to go darker, it was weird.

What I do recall is, while that part was still very much forward, he brought up the "we must annoy one another" conversation. Bluntly he said "you annoy me all the time." I am not able to process this - even now, it really hurts. I shut down quite immediately, and he called me out on it saying I did this last time (shut down). I was able to pull myself out a little bit, but I don't remember much of the conversation right now. He said that the primary message I send is one of annoyance...and that really hurts, because it is so far off from what I want to be sending. I can't help but hear it as "I don't like you." I've sent him a follow-up email, because I was not able to accurately express how I was receiving what he was saying.

The one little part of me got really hurt - hearing "I don't like you. You are annoying." and I'm struggling to control the fallout from that. She is the primary one who wrote the follow-up email to C, and I'm really hoping he understands that. Another part is acting up now throwing ED stuff in my path as a method of somehow improving to be more worthy and claiming my being fat is what makes me so annoying and unworthy.

It is very helpful to be able to talk about this in "parts" though - I'm much more able to keep my "highest adult self" (ha) present by acknowledging that these things are coming from parts rather than having to full-on feel it/hear it/be taken over (get hijacked, as Olivia says) in order to express these things as if they are all coming from one "me." It's far less confusing, so I suppose that is a good thing.

I'm having a really hard time right now, though, with the little part just broken hearted. I may have to literally call C, but I'm scared that will just be even more annoying.

TMC - t did not say he does not like you right? Being annoyed is not the same as dislike. But if he did say that I’ll egg his house

Growly, LOL

TMC-- Ya I agree with growly, not the same but I do understand how it feels to feel annoying to someone. I tend to distance myself and "not bother them" anymore if I think I am annoying them. Hugs to you

lol no..no, you're right, he did not. That's just, unfortunately, the message one part of me received and can't seem to let go of right now.

He wants me to be annoyed and angry at him. He says "because he wants me. All of me. And that is a part of me."

I just don't think it is. I don't think being annoyed at people is a routine, regular part of life. I think when you're annoyed at people, you stop hanging around them.

I'm so used to S (exT) and his insistence that I don't annoy him. Not ever. That's what I want so badly to hear from C. Instead, I hear "you annoy me all the time."

Kashi (t) annoys me all the time when he gets all adhd on me. Like the dog in the movie “Up” ....”squirrel!!!”

T- “I forgot to plug in my cell phone” ( me waiting for him to listen again...)

Me saying something serious. Him I’m sorry but you just sounded like Sheldon again.

But everyone knows how much I adore him

Well, it all escalated into a full-on email meltdown, but he was there, responding, and I think I'm ok(ish) for now.

He clarified a lot... I don't think he actually remembers saying "you annoy me all the time!" But I swear that he did... and I asked him "what do I do that annoys you all the time?" and he said that compiling a list would not be helpful because then I would try to avoid the things, and he wants me to "keep annoying him."

It ends with him saying there's nothing wrong with me and he promises to tell me if he finds something wrong with me. No..to give it some tone:

"I understand you hurt and are overwhelmed. But TMC, sweetie, there is nothing wrong with you. I promise to tell you if I find something wrong with you. "

I've no idea how to take that.
Especially because I definitely feel like something is wrong with me.
Also, he's never called me sweetie before, and it terrifies me that I liked that. It feels bad of me.

It feels a bit like being told I'm exaggerating - nothing is wrong, and I'm making it up (core fear of mine). Have to let that sit til next session though. I can tell I've lost touch w/ reality.

Hugs, TMC...Glad he wrote back and explained more. But I see where that e-mail combined with the session could be very confusing. I'm not sure how I'd take "sweetie" either.

Your not exaggerating tmc. That email reply wouldn't reassure me after what he said.

Elio- this struck me as wisdom

I feel as though I have just had the most important session with R ever. We began by discussing the physical disconnection and R asked whether there was part of me that felt angry because I ‘should have noticed it sooner’.
I acknowledged that it couldn’t get any more obvious with an ear problem… And yet when every fibre of my being is saying ‘Go and lie down –it will make your ear feel better’ there is part of me that really doesn’t want to because of what happens when I lie down at night.
‘I need three words from you.’
‘Three words?’
‘You’re safe, Lost. The phrase is rattling around my head at 100 miles an hour.’
‘Lost, you are safe. A phrase? The phrase?’
‘She called me into the bathroom… She called me into the bathroom to help with something and then collapsed.’
‘It sounds stupid, but I want to go there in this space because I know that tonight it will happen again and I never wanted to become resigned to it.’
‘Stupid? It sounds exhausting.’
‘I’m finding it difficult to even say the words today.’
‘And I can really sense that you want to say them.’
‘It is hard to be here and there, reliving and reporting on what I am experiencing.’

‘When you are in that space, I feel a little bit left behind – not that I am about to say ‘You need to look at me when you are talking about this.’ It’s your process, and you are doing what you need to do. Can you help me understand what it was like for you when you first got the message?’

‘When I first got the message, it was the sensation of being doused in cold water, then nothing for a very long time. Now it is a complete emotional experience…only it isn’t because I am too much of a coward to actually go there and feel it.’
‘By “feel it”, are you talking about crying?’
‘Yes, I have been thinking about the work that we did towards the end of last year…’
‘Are you talking about the last session before Christmas? We held hands for a long time then, and I came away from it feeling really connected. As a therapist, it is about knowing when it is appropriate to offer that, and between us recognising ‘I don’t need that right now’, or that doesn’t feel good.’
‘I think the biggest difficulty is that I feel alone with it, and I think that will help.’
‘And from my perspective, you’re taking me with you. I felt that connection too.’