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Originally Posted by Hopingtrying
I am so sorry that he has betrayed you like this--it must really hurt! 
You say you have broken up and may need to keep it that way and go no contact. It is good that you are writing this down. If you ever get back together with him again--you need to post, keep a journal or talk to a therapist about when he behaves badly--weeks later when things are stress free/ you are feeling good about the relationship--you need to remember how he has treated you in the past--try to learn from the past by not alowing him to act this way. If he woos you back you need to walk away immediately when he behaves badly.
Do you think some of your fear of him is coming from within and not just him? You need to be able to talk about your fears. They are magnified when we are unable to talk them out. I am not an expert but have heard using steriods can make people go into rage. If you ever get back with him -- he needs to be willing to consider how the use of steriods could be effecting him--if he is not open to discuss this--that is a real problem. |
Thank you Hopingtrying.
It may seen I was betrayed but I just feel that he brings up the my past because he is angry and uses it as a justification to his anger. It bothers me but like I said I didn't want to go into detail about some of my past. These things have made him insecure a bit and so when he is feeling down he brings up stuff as his trust is at an all time low. Its not right, I don't accept it, but I also feel bad for the way he is feeling.
That may sound messed up but I do love him and I have hope that things will eventually turn out for the better. And yes, the fear may be more magnified if I don't talk about the things. When he is super angry its very hard to talk to him. He will blow up then we will not talk. Then when he calms downs he realizes what he said or how he behaved was out of line and apologize and cries about it as he then feels guilty how he was towards me.
I have read about steroids and rage. Rage is just the word they use but the reality is people can become aggressive, or have mood swings, or paranoia...then lump those into the word rage. He knows he has head issues along with bad anxiety. Again, I have my own mental ongoings so I try and empathize with him. I lied to him, a few times, over something that he wanted me to change. Him not wanting a coworker to lean on may about his affair and his unhappy marriage. I told him I would tell this coworker to find another listening ear but I am a sensitive person and didn't want to approach this person or say a word, I thought if I ignored him it would go away but it didn't it..and I told my boyfriend would it huge on the truth and trust.
So basically my little lies started his time to time outbursts...I since left that job to accommodate both of us. But he still holds on to the fact that I lied and how can he trust me. I have kept records of his outbursts. I do see a therapist. I have shared things with my mother about his ways. Like is said in another reply, he stopped by this morning since not talking the past 2 days. He apologized for throwing the cup, he was crying as he just wants to trust me he says.
I told him he needs to go on medicine for these outbursts and he un-hesitanly agreed. But the steroid talk was off limits. Since he agreed to go on medicine I figure id wait and see how that works. We don't live together, no kids together, so I can leave this relationship at any moment. I told him how terrified I am of him due to this recent outburst and he fully understood. Im not a sap and have my limits, he was here wanting to know if we are together and I just said I'm scared of you and medicine is what you need...it was sad as he was crying and wanted an answer from me but I sat back and just repeated how his behavior scares me and what am I suppose to do....he just walked out as he was late for work.
I will not go to him with open arms as that means what happened is ok and all is forgiven. But I truly believe that people are not perfect even with a normal balance of the brain. But when people struggle with mental illness its harder for us to be able to keep things in balance on the daily. I just can't give up on him, or us, just yet. I know I have written about him in a negative light, but there are the most amazing qualities about of this man too. I think people reach out on here when in need and speak of hard times for help or just to release and get some insight. I needed to let it out into the universe.
As I shared with my friend and mom and they are frightened for me. I understand why. But I am not frightened by him 100% of the time, his anger is high on the charts and he even admits to it. The fact that he said he would see someone for medicine it at least to me a step forward. He likes the steroids and has been doing them for years. I am not someone who wants to change a person. Its his life. Its my life and choice to stay or go...and right now I am going to do this one day at a time. I must sound like and idiot. But I have faith and hope and am not giving up on him yet. But, it he ever pushed me or hit me, then I would be gone in a heartbeat. That is where I draw the line over love.