Have nowhere to turn

Hello. I am new and in of venting outward to no one that knows me or my boyfriend.

I have been with him 9 months. He was upfront when we met and told me he uses steroids for the past several years.

I told him everything little thing about me when we met, the good, and all the bad.

I wanted him to know what he was getting into and if what he heard and didn't like he could go.

Well, that has not backfired on me and caused many blowups and him raging on me.

I told me to stop talking to a coworker because the coworker was using me to spill their troubles with their marriage and was having an affair. I told my boyfriend this and he didn't like it one bit and told me to tell coworker to stop.

I have confrontations and just thought if I ignored coworker then the talks would stop but one night at work he started telling me all of his stuff again and then texted me late night saying thank you for listening.

my boyfriend blew up and said I lied to him as I never stood up to coworker and that I am a liar.

Also, I did something stupid before meeting my boyfriend and told him about it too...

now, I don want to go into detail but every so often my boyfriend goes into these fits and calls me nasty names. But the past few weeks have been the worst and he has raised his hands towards me which left me frightened at heck.

aslo he threw my phone and smashed it but bought me a new one and said I made him do that.

We were driving home from a trip there other day and he brought something up that made him rage and he threw is ice coffee at me while in the passenger seat...

I have been diagnosed panic disorder 7 yrs ago. I have no self esteem and have been in some crappy relationships where the guys were all about themselves.

This boyfriend has put me first, tries his best to do whatever he can for me, but I don't ask a thing except a ride here or there as I fear driving highways.

I know I'm not perfect but I never have went out of my way to hurt him or disrespect him.....

Im afraid to go into detail about things as I am afraid that is he found this out that he would rage out again and so afraid it will be more than throwing things.

He told me that I am the worst girlfriend ever, that I am useless to talk to. when he gets aggressively mad asking me questions I try to explain myself to which he replies I just have one excuse after another and to shut up.

We are not talking at the moment and he took his house key off of my car key chain...im relieved that he did that. I feel that we have no ties now. Nothing to see one another for...I would have broken up with him but so afraid he would come to my home and kick my door in...as he has threatened that in the past..

I know this is abusive. I know how awful this must sound. But I am curious to know if anyone has dealt with a boyfriend on steroids...

when he is good he is really good.. but he gets triggered like my ex saw me the other day and stopped to say hi and gave me a hug...I told my boyfriend about it as it made me uncomfortable but my boyfriend flew off the handle yelling at me and raised his hand at me...I said you going to slap me he said he wanted to but would never.....saddest part is I really like him...when he is treating me like Im the only lady in the world for him....but I have been reading about abuse and steroid abuse....and am so sad right now....I just needed to get this out there....make it real rather than keep it in my head. Thank you for reading.

That guy sounds like a total peice of work, and you are continuing a cycle with him that hurts you.

I am so sorry that he has betrayed you like this--it must really hurt!

You say you have broken up and may need to keep it that way and go no contact. It is good that you are writing this down. If you ever get back together with him again--you need to post, keep a journal or talk to a therapist about when he behaves badly--weeks later when things are stress free/ you are feeling good about the relationship--you need to remember how he has treated you in the past--try to learn from the past by not alowing him to act this way. If he woos you back you need to walk away immediately when he behaves badly.

Do you think some of your fear of him is coming from within and not just him? You need to be able to talk about your fears. They are magnified when we are unable to talk them out. I am not an expert but have heard using steriods can make people go into rage. If you ever get back with him -- he needs to be willing to consider how the use of steriods could be effecting him--if he is not open to discuss this--that is a real problem.

I know what it sounds like. He has mental issues that magnify thoughts which build more into something more than the size of the actual situation. If I keep quiet, go along with whatever is happening that I am continuing a cycle. He apologized, and because I love him, I accept his apology and try my best to go forward. I to suffer with mental and emotional breakdowns, therefore I have empathy for his personal mental breaks. I cannot give up just yet. But at the same time I know my limits and will not tolerate certain actions for long.
I haven't spoken to him for couple days, and that may seen like nothing but when we talk every day, multiple times a day. Today he surprised me by stopping by before work and the outcome was he would go see a doctor to get on medicine, as that is what I asked of him..its a start, but I still am reserved with everything.

Thank you Hopingtrying.

It may seen I was betrayed but I just feel that he brings up the my past because he is angry and uses it as a justification to his anger. It bothers me but like I said I didn't want to go into detail about some of my past. These things have made him insecure a bit and so when he is feeling down he brings up stuff as his trust is at an all time low. Its not right, I don't accept it, but I also feel bad for the way he is feeling.

That may sound messed up but I do love him and I have hope that things will eventually turn out for the better. And yes, the fear may be more magnified if I don't talk about the things. When he is super angry its very hard to talk to him. He will blow up then we will not talk. Then when he calms downs he realizes what he said or how he behaved was out of line and apologize and cries about it as he then feels guilty how he was towards me.

I have read about steroids and rage. Rage is just the word they use but the reality is people can become aggressive, or have mood swings, or paranoia...then lump those into the word rage. He knows he has head issues along with bad anxiety. Again, I have my own mental ongoings so I try and empathize with him. I lied to him, a few times, over something that he wanted me to change. Him not wanting a coworker to lean on may about his affair and his unhappy marriage. I told him I would tell this coworker to find another listening ear but I am a sensitive person and didn't want to approach this person or say a word, I thought if I ignored him it would go away but it didn't it..and I told my boyfriend would it huge on the truth and trust.

So basically my little lies started his time to time outbursts...I since left that job to accommodate both of us. But he still holds on to the fact that I lied and how can he trust me. I have kept records of his outbursts. I do see a therapist. I have shared things with my mother about his ways. Like is said in another reply, he stopped by this morning since not talking the past 2 days. He apologized for throwing the cup, he was crying as he just wants to trust me he says.

I told him he needs to go on medicine for these outbursts and he un-hesitanly agreed. But the steroid talk was off limits. Since he agreed to go on medicine I figure id wait and see how that works. We don't live together, no kids together, so I can leave this relationship at any moment. I told him how terrified I am of him due to this recent outburst and he fully understood. Im not a sap and have my limits, he was here wanting to know if we are together and I just said I'm scared of you and medicine is what you need...it was sad as he was crying and wanted an answer from me but I sat back and just repeated how his behavior scares me and what am I suppose to do....he just walked out as he was late for work.

I will not go to him with open arms as that means what happened is ok and all is forgiven. But I truly believe that people are not perfect even with a normal balance of the brain. But when people struggle with mental illness its harder for us to be able to keep things in balance on the daily. I just can't give up on him, or us, just yet. I know I have written about him in a negative light, but there are the most amazing qualities about of this man too. I think people reach out on here when in need and speak of hard times for help or just to release and get some insight. I needed to let it out into the universe.

As I shared with my friend and mom and they are frightened for me. I understand why. But I am not frightened by him 100% of the time, his anger is high on the charts and he even admits to it. The fact that he said he would see someone for medicine it at least to me a step forward. He likes the steroids and has been doing them for years. I am not someone who wants to change a person. Its his life. Its my life and choice to stay or go...and right now I am going to do this one day at a time. I must sound like and idiot. But I have faith and hope and am not giving up on him yet. But, it he ever pushed me or hit me, then I would be gone in a heartbeat. That is where I draw the line over love.

Thank you Imokay.. I know from what I wrote what it sounds like - but theres more to any story shared onhere. He has anger due to mental imbalance. He has admitted to it and has agreed to see a doctor and get on medication. We all have our limits. I definitely have mine, but theres more that I know about him and am not giving up on him yet. We talked this morning and he knew he was wrong. He admitted his outbursts are over the top and his trust issues are from me...so we both need work. But I find him agreeing to medication as his way of dealing with anger and also no giving up on this relationship. Every one has there ups and downs. I just randomly choose to vent when I was upset about his actions which were definitely uncalled for but theres the side of him that is the most amazing ever. it not I wouldn't have been on here venting and would not be in a relationship with such a piece of work.

Well I was really quite upset to read that he threw ice coffee in your face.

I am glad you are talking to your friend, mom and therapist about this. When things get intense between my husband and I, we have learned to deal with it by taking timeouts away from each other. When you are really angry at someone that is when you might do or say something that could destroy your relationship. I advised you to walk away whenever he raises his voice inappropriately or says something disrespectful (tell him you don't deserve it and won't put up with it). If he loves you he will let you. He can learn to recognize when he is getting angry and walk away himself in order to allow the discussion to cool down.

Thank you for your reply Bill3. I know that sounds bad. But what exactly happened is that he threw it in my direction hitting the window. Still, that is unacceptable. If that cup ever touched my face or any part of my body I wouldn't have joined this forum to vent, and that would have been it for us. We had a heart to heart talk couple days after and he sat quietly, listened to my every word, and I asked him to get on medication, to which he agreed to speak to his psychiatrist to do so. I'ts a step forward and I'm going to take things day by day. And support him and I know he is sorry and feels ashamed about it that is why I am willing to give us this chance. I am not perfect when I get things in my head and can make things more than what they are but I learned to handle those times, him on the other hand, has never had anyone to help him. Love doesn't give up that easily...well, not yet.... thank you again.