Hello Megan: I'm sorry you are experiencing such despair. I don't recall you mentioning if you see a therapist, a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I know you said you had tried to check yourself into the hospital & have been told you don't meet the criteria. However, from what you wrote, it sounds as though you really do need to reach out in real life for help. So, if you're not seeing a mental health professional of one sort or another, perhaps the time to do so is now.

Suicidal thinking is not something to try to keep pushing down all alone. You really need to talk to someone. We here on PC can try to be as supportive as possible. But realistically there's only so much we can do. In the end, the help you need must come from the real world.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!