I don't know what to say other than I am DEEPLY sorry for coming and posting on this thread much later than intended. I had some things in my life that needed attending to, and honestly it has been a total mind-wracking couple of days. Excuses though, so I am not going to even justify it, because time and time again in my life when I have asked for help or even reached out, it was excuse after excuse, and honestly, I know people are busy but fck that, I try to go ABOVE and beyond for some people sometimes, and it may be selfish but I really don't want to hear it. So how do you like my apology??? (I am hoping I got a snicker out of that).

ANYWAY, you are most certainly NOT alone, and your family, (well I don't know them, but your brother telling you to just kill yourself, well, there are just no words for that evil shyt. 20 minutes doesn't do a damn thing to help with counseling either, so I truly understand your frustration, and your sense of hopelessness and thinking that it all should end now....

HOWEVER...

There is something that I thought about while reading your past couple of posts on this thread. I know you do all the self-care, blah, blah, blah, and you go round and round the usual motions, BUT this isolation, where its just you and GOD, where God seems to be the only one who is actively listening, like REALLY listening to what it's in your heart right now, has bells and whistles ringing in my head. Like our PM's about your journey, your experiences as a chaplain, like shook me to my core, and I realized, "If DechanDewa wasn't around to tell me this, to speak to me, to take the time and reach me and give me advice on how to connect to my spirituality gently again, would I have ever been able to find God again?" I mean I did have that epiphany around Valentine's Day, but that was just an isolated incident, for the most part, I feel like I have been abandoned by God, and there was a time when I spoke to Him every day, with a HUGE smile on my face full of hope, and now....nothing.

But you, you reached out to me, you shared with me, you gave me comfort, and taught me some lessons about some things I hadn't even thought about, and don't even get me started on what kind of teary-eyed moments I had knowing that you were always following my posts and threads here on PsychCentral. People like YOU are what REALLY keeps me going, I mean people that are just silently watching over me in their own way, always in the background, like an angel right from Heaven.

Look I know to the outside world, family, friends even mental health professionals you are doing fine, even when you are screaming at the top of your lungs for help and they don't hear you, listen or even try to understand, because you are really good at controlling your emotions. You are judged, tossed aside, and even solicited for your wisdom despite having your own needs ignored. I can't imagine what that feels like, and I won't even try, but what I DO know is, that you REACH people, and you make a difference, even if you feel like you don't, I am TELLING you that you do, because you reached ME.

I am fully aware I am just another blip on the internet, but I hear you, and I am listening.

I don't know, maybe this is your test, your time to surrender and be with God. Maybe this is the path for now, but you are in my thoughts, (and not in the "thoughts and prayers" way) the actual ACITVELY feeling-for-right-now-I-could-jump-though-the-screen-and-hug-you-and-not-let-go-way. And seriously I would, you have no idea.

You are a warrior, like none I have encountered in a long time, and its time to really fight, because I DO want to see you make it to end of 2018, 2019, 2020, and infinity so you outlive me!

Every hour, every minute counts that you hold on, just one step at a time. Just like you were always watching my back all those years, I am here watching yours now, and honestly, there is no way you are getting rid of me.