What is the point of coping?

Hey there! Just wanted to pop by your thread and offer some words, because you said you were also interested in some other ways of coping. To me, distractions have always worked. So many distractions like getting myself outside (i know you are a bit isolated so I don't know how far outside you want to go), but breathing in some really crisp fresh air always seem to lift my spirits. Taking a luxurious shower or bath, with something that smells AMAZING usually brings me out a funk too. Watching a really silly or over the top ridiculous movie or show also does wonders. I guess what I am saying is that ANYTHING that is able to take your attention away from the feeling you are currently in, is how I deal with the depression when it lays into me.

Thanks for checking out my blog! I did happen to write about the whole #MeToo thing at that particular time, but you're right, I said my piece and the whole thing is absolutely exhausting, but now is the time for change. But I write about other things too, so feel free to peek a bit more if you're up to it!

It sounds like you have a horrible experience with mental health professionals, and honestly, if I was in your place, I would have the same feelings about it. But you're right, unless you are an actual risk to yourself, not just thinking about it, you really can't get help for it. In fact, that would have been one of the ways where you would have been caught with a net! But to me, being "caught" is a very painful experience too, and although being in the mental hospital DID eventually lead to me getting the help I needed, being there was very traumatic for me.

I am deeply sorry that you feel profound emptiness, I have to say, I felt that way a few days ago, No matter what I did, I had such a whole in my heart, and the only way I made it through was push on, and not ignore it, but FEEL it for what it was until it passed. I know that doesn't really help much, but honestly when I felt so powerless, there was really nothing else I could do.

I am really happy you broke the addiction cycle though. Diving into alcohol when feeling that way is so damaging, and only makes things so much worse.

I do understand your emptiness though, I mean my spiritual connection is non-existent and it causes me deep sadness, but I push on, and enjoy what I can, because honestly what else can I do? Where I don't believe it is a choice to sit in the depression, I think there are moments (windows of opportunity), where you can tell yourself, "I am not giving into this shyt, today." and just embrace that and run with it.

I wish you all the best, and I know you peek back here sometimes, and I hope to run into you soon! And hey, I am here at 4pm today, so I am out of the shadows!!

All my love honey.

I think you don't accept the real you, you do all that stuff without love, that's why it's can't help.

Hi Dechan, just saw this now.

Re why cope (or try to)? I think for me the answer is 'hope'. In my worst moments I have hoped it will get better, and it has, although with ups and downs.

You have made massive progress and showed a lot of will power, know that you can get better and see your progress grow further. I am proud of you!

Sometimes when I am struggling something as simple as watching a nature documentary can calm and intrigue me, because when I am depressed I lose interest in the world not just myself. If I can remind myself how amazing this world is it helps - my son told me he looks at the stars to remind himself how small he is, and that helps him put things in perspective.

Yes, I agree with some of the comments here. Getting rid of bad habits is important and valuable. But if you are feeling bad, you won't be feeling better just because you improved certain aspects of your life.

In the end, you need to find what part of your life is making you feel down, and fix that. Fill that, so to say.

Obsessive thoughts and coping mechanisms. I guess they are connected. I can see in myself many ways through which I have coped. I have felt happy when I should have felt horribly depressed. I would have done more with my life if I had been horribly depressed, moving me into action.

In the end, life isn't about feeling happy. It is about collecting experiences. I have been through a period where I was completely apathetic to the point I felt I lost my humanity. Now, when I feel sad or down, I feel relieved. It reminds me that I am a real human being with fragile feelings, capable feeling, doing, and experiencing things all humans can naturally do.

Yes, I am completely crushed by unrelenting love, but the pain is a strange kind of pain. It is soothing, somehow. It entertains me.
It must be completely different for a parent who loses a child. That is a pain no person should have to feel. I don't know how you cope with that.

As for those people with extreme disabilities, I don't think they think. They just do. And in their case, I think it is the smart thing to do.
But when I look around me I see so many people that seem trapped by not thinking about their lives the way I think about mine. Ruminating about things at least an hour a day, deliberately, and many many moments subconsciously. I would be so depressed if I had the life of an average person. And they would be crushed by the emptiness I deliberately created in mine.

How do I cope? What if besides what I have now, bad things happen to me. I can cope right now. But what if my father died, what if my professional life isn't going as smooth as it has? What if I also have a terrible flu, all at the same time. And what if finally the true realization sets in that my romantic interest will never be interested in me. I mean, I know, consciously. But subconsciously, it doesn't seem priced in yet.

I am able to turn my pain into positive energy. But it has been different in the past. And it may become different in the future. What makes it so that right now I can turn my pain into positive energy? I don't have a clue. And that worries me.

It also reminds me that you need to construct safety nets for yourself for bad times that will arrive for you at some point. But I don't think I am doing that.

No alcohol, no smoking, healthy food; they really make your life a lot easier in many respects, even if you do not realize it. Even if you feel no pride or no reward. I don't think it would help trying to realize how you would be worse off if you were also addicted to alcohol. But I think that is the only logical argument to make here. But it doesn't help emotionally. That's why we need tricks to cope. Or rather, find way to trick ourselves into turning bad into good, trick ourselves into feeling more positive. Or at least, not trick ourselves by thinking ourselves into a hole with obsessive thoughts that just keep reinforcing themselves as there is no outside force correcting them. Your worst fears will appear to be reality if you obsess about it for long enough.

Reasons for coping? Sadly, I cannot say I cope for other people. I wish I did. I envy people who are able to touch other people's lives and change them for the better. When I feel down, my worst thought is probably that I cannot find examples where I made other people's life significantly better. When there is no people in your life at all, it is impossible to affect other people, because there are none. And when you have people in your life, you are probably only doing tiny things for them, as your relationship with them is professional or 'shallow', and it is hard to see it as an achievement.

So I cope because I am alive. I am experiencing this thing called 'life' and it is up to me to decide how I would like to experience it. And we have certain instincts that make us try to avoid certain feelings. Be it unhappy, alone, stressed; we do things to minimize the negative effects we feel.

A rather intrusive and confronting (and not very appreciated) comment.

Thank you for your reply. I myself found your reply long and rambling and it was difficult to unearth the points you were trying to make. Perhaps you might try editing a bit before you post a long comment such as this?

Anyone who has bad habits knows that once you get rid of them you have to deal with a lot of the emotional stuff that is underneath.

I am trying on my own to dig myself out of a deep depression and resume a life.

I have no difficulty with superficial interactions. However, in this society when one has a major depression it often leaves one socially isolated.

I will probably (eventually) pull myself out. I always do.

I am training for a 10K. I am proud of myself as I am new to this sport.

Still, I am in the middle of a terrible horrible nightmarish depression and trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps.

I was offended by the one comment that said I did not give up bad habits with love. How the heck does that person know what is in my heart?

Most who post are very compassionate and I thank you for that.

We should never forget this forum is for peer support and not to therapize one another.

I am not really sure why I started this thread. Maybe I was feeling really anxious and had a craving for my old habits of coping. I didn't give in but maybe I was feeling sorry for myself.

I am probably in the next stage of up-leveling my life. That is, changing my situation, which is very, very difficult. There are others who come on Psych Central who understand. People here are trying to get out of toxic relationships, find a better job, move etc. and all these require a great deal of strength and courage. Unfortunately, depression is a strength sapper.

As well, I am feeling depressed about all the toxic people I attracted in the past. They did not help but hurt me...and I am wary of making new friends. A lot of times very toxic people can disguise themselves and in the beginning they seem very caring. But a lot of toxic people are takers...and will take advantage of someone who is battling mental problems.

I think things will probably naturally improve over time if I keep on the path I am now on...and I do believe it is a path of love.

Hey there dearest DechanDewa,

Please forgive me if this post comes out a bit deluded, but I just woke up out of Seroquel slumber and my whole body and head feels like it has been hit by a gigantic sledgehammer. I was going to wait till I regained myself, but I see you just posted here, so I am compelled to answer now, out of friendship, and well out of compassion for what you are going through.

First of all, no one can understand depression and what its like, unless they have walked in the depression shoes, (which are like two cinderblocks attached to you feet, literally), and added on to that the hardship of recovery from addiction which quite frankly, is another battle in itself, that takes so much damn will power and courage to overcome.

Quote:

Originally Posted by juliaatwo I think you don't accept the real you, you do all that stuff without love, that's why it's can't help.

I don't know where you were going with this, but honestly telling someone they are not "the real you" and "you do all that stuff without love" is basically saying they don't care about themselves, which is damaging and hurtful to the OP who is suffering a great deal to begin with. Not cool dude.

I feel nothing but empathy for what you are feeling, (in no way shape or form is that pity), and I hope you can pull yourself out of this depression by taking the steps to "up-level" your life, case in point the 10K, which is an undertaking that I, myself, am not brave enough to even attempt.

Even though depression is the most crippling strength sapper there is, I urge you to keep on fighting the good fight, involving yourself in that wonderful church of yours, and walking that path of love,

Toxic people often come as wolves in sheep's clothing, an attach themselves on a false pretense of caring and affection. BUT, what if the wolf (me), comes to you and walks with you, without any disguises, and protects you, and fends off those who hurt you? (Woof, Woof, )

Hang on, and you know what keep posting in this thread, even if its just to get your thoughts out. I am walking with you, by your side, and I definitely believe you can pull yourself through this.

I am sorry. I wanted to say something meaningful, but I started rambling about my own problems while trying to not talk about them.

Thank you. (I tried to post 20 's but wasn't allowed! ) You can be my wolf!

I happen to love wolves. In fact, the wolf is my spirit animal.

I think wolves are very cool.

They get a bad rep, sometimes. The bad rep should be given to coyotes! But then, I'm not a Montana rancher.

(But false prophets aren't cool - called woofish. Or false friends.)

It is more that...well...some people...are not genuine in the beginning. Maybe...most people. IDK. I won't say more about this because I am confused.

And....this is important...I did not have good boundaries. People here talk about boundaries and it is good. I have better boundaries so, of course, toxic people are not getting into my life. That's a good thing. A few have tried.

I am in a lonely time. I DO NOT want to give up.

I hope the Seroquel is helping you. I am taking valerian for anxiety and today it is really helping, and your message here, sweet Lady, really helped.

Thank you, honey! For caring, sharing, and continuing your own journey. AND FOR POSTING IN THE DAY.

Yes, I noticed.

Well, yes, there was a lot in your post. I read it several times. I just think it would be helpful for you and me, both, if you could address a few issues. Maybe this thread has brought up something specific for you.

We have talked about toxic relationships on this thread. You also talked about the intense emotions in unrequited love. Personally, I think hanging on to unrequited love is toxic. How can it be amusing? Do you think hanging on to the emotions around unrequited love could be an addiction?

Maybe this thread is about how to reduce emotional pain so that one can create a life worth living. For me, eliminating addictions and getting healthy was a step. Eliminating toxic relationships was another step. I am probably ready for more action. IDK.

Thanks for posting again.

I think it is because the only love I have ever felt is unrequited love. Love makes me feel more human. So the pain I feel over my unrequited love makes me feel alive.

It challenges me to be a better person. For sure it is addicting. For sure it is painful. For sure I want to eliminate the pain. But if pain forces you to go forward when no pain makes you passive and apathetic, I guess that is what I am getting at.

That is how it works in my brain, which for sure is unusual. I guess I have been lucky that those times where I felt down, and a rare point actually depressed, it forced me to move forward and that lead to success. In case that it had led to failure, I do not know what would have happened.

For sure filling voids with positive things and finding distractions are good strategies. That is why I think we all need to build social safety nets during times where we feel fine. And that is something I haven't done. From until my late twenties I thought that I could handle whatever misery alone in solitude.

And for sure there are some 'simple' steps, to describe at least, that can have a meaningful effect on depression. Both a healthy sleep pattern and exercise.

I have seen what addictions can do to some people. If you quit an unhealthy addiction like smoking or alcohol when you feel depressed, you are really strong.

Thanks. I do want to feel I am strong for giving up unhealthy crutches.

I am not sure about the unrequited love thing. I understand having a love object can make one feel more alive. But so can career goals, meeting personal goals, and friendships. Also, spirituality.

Well, maybe other posters will have something to say about this...

I don't like the idea of coping by distraction.

I mean distractions that lead away from obsessive thoughts/ feed-forward loops inside your mind. Not distractions from things you need to tackle and resolve.

Many Coyotes here.

Clarify. Do you mean a bunch of clowns? Hmmm. I really wonder, brah.

I feel like I am falling through the cracks. I am isolated.

Towards the end of 2017 the counselor (from my health care provider) said (on the phone) that I was probably not seriously suicidal because I purchased a pair of hiking poles. The counselor said, "People who are suicidal buy guns, not hiking poles." I am certain this information is incorrect. Many high-functioning people have committed suicide and there are plenty of ways that don't even require one to purchase a gun or anything like that.

The counselor has not called me since the beginning of 2018. The primary care doctor has not followed up since my December office visit even though I left that visit severely depressed.

I don't really care anymore. This doesn't mean I am going to stop all my original coping methods. I will continue with no smoking, no drinking, a very clean diet, exercise, meditation, deep breathing etc. I am going to church twice a week during Lent.

But I am at a very low point in this journey. I feel a complete loss of hope and am turning to my spiritual practice. I am also attempting to put all my personal affairs in order because I don't want to be a burden. I have stopped talking to family and friends about my situation. I just communicate in a lighthearted manner. They seem to be fine with this and never ask how I am really doing.

I keep telling doctors I am not doing well. I told the counselor I was not doing well. In the past I have told family and friends that I am not doing well. If anything happens to me they will just shake their heads and say, "She was battling depression..." and leave it at that.

I really wish that friends and family would do more for someone in this situation. Sure it might take time and effort. I also think that medical professions should not be content with having a 20 minute conversation with a patient and sending them on their way without any treatment.

I have severe financial problems. I am totally isolated. I am in crisis. I can only keep holding on. There is nothing else to do.

When I told the counselor I felt like something really bad was going to happen to me she said that was nonsense and I only felt that was because of the anxiety. Doh? Isn't anxiety an alarm???

I seriously don't feel like I am going to see the end of 2018. I feel like I am going to have an accident or have a heart attack in my sleep. I did everything possible. I did everything people told me to do. I think...what is missing...is follow-up. I can't afford therapy even on a sliding scale. A counselor calling me for 20 minutes once a month seemed to do more harm than good.

Ironically, now that I have stopped talking to anyone about what is really happening...friends and family are back to complaining to me. This is so ludicrous as to be unbelievable. Their problems seem inconsequential. They complain on and on about minor things. Everything is back to normal. I am the "rock" who shoulders other people's burdens.

I am taking it one hour at a time. I can only do it one hour at a time.

If anyone wants to private message me or leave a message on my message board or reply here...it would be appreciated. I don't have anyone on my ignore list even though this week another member got a little snarky. So be it. We all have problems and hopefully we can keep a good rapport with one another and support one another in our journey.

I had that period about feeling that way too, falling through the cracks. When I got to the lowest point was when I managed to have some valuable insights however. That I might not have got otherwise. And that gave me strength like never before. I hope you get somewhere too!

Unfortunately, the mental health system clearly doesn't have enough resources beyond those 20 mins. Don't take that personally.

As for friends and family: have you asked them directly for specific help? No one is a mind reader - again I don't think it's something to be taken personally. I did have to understand this for myself too.

You could say anxiety is an alarm but not an alarm of what actually is going to happen in outside reality, more like it's an indicator of your internal state instead, and of subconscious stuff maybe.

As for being suicidal: I hope the desire for that doesn't get stronger. At this point hopefully it's still just a feeling you have and not more than that, that is, that you still see a way to go on. I would think the real serious indicator for suicide is if one starts to make actual plans for it, plans that are actually executable. Also, if someone has already tried, that's another serious indicator.

(Where I call it "just a feeling" isn't to invalidate the experience of it. It was a comment in terms of how emotion management works - if you recognize that something is just a feeling, you can gain more control over it. And hopefully that can help.)

I think this whole post is really about how you do have the strength and so control over how YOU see things internally and how you go on in future. So that means you can get better. This is meant as encouragement. Even if it isn't trivial to get to a better place.

Really good luck with going on!

[QUOTE=tevelygo;6029431]I had that period about feeling that way too, falling through the cracks. When I got to the lowest point was when I managed to have some valuable insights however. That I might not have got otherwise. And that gave me strength like never before. I hope you get somewhere too!

Unfortunately, the mental health system clearly doesn't have enough resources beyond those 20 mins. Don't take that personally.

As for friends and family: have you asked them directly for specific help? No one is a mind reader - again I don't think it's something to be taken personally. I did have to understand this for myself too.




Yes, I did inform friends and family members last year of my state-of-mind. One brother sent me an email and said I was self-absorbed and I should just go ahead and kill myself. He said he would never speak to me again.

That's my family.

The counselor I talked to did not seem to think I was in danger. Like I said in a previous post...because I bought a pair of hiking poles she said I was looking towards the future. I disagree. I buy all kinds of stuff to help me cope. At the time I was hiking and needed hiking poles. End of story. I could just as easily have used them to push myself off a cliff. (I am also afraid of mountain lions in my area and got the poles to wave around and make me look bigger if I encountered a cougar.)

I seriously think God must be keeping me alive. It seems like a lame thing to say...because I am a nothing sort of person right now...but I don't know his plan.

In this darkest hour my dependence on others is lessening while my spiritual strength is growing in a very small but, I guess, significant way.

I think I manage my emotions quite well. That might be the problem. No one seems to think I am danger...but I may very well be, really, in danger.

Thunder Bow comes and goes like a puff of smoke. Thunder Bow, if you can hear me, please do a healing ceremony for me. Thank you. Ahehee.

I don't know what to say other than I am DEEPLY sorry for coming and posting on this thread much later than intended. I had some things in my life that needed attending to, and honestly it has been a total mind-wracking couple of days. Excuses though, so I am not going to even justify it, because time and time again in my life when I have asked for help or even reached out, it was excuse after excuse, and honestly, I know people are busy but fck that, I try to go ABOVE and beyond for some people sometimes, and it may be selfish but I really don't want to hear it. So how do you like my apology??? (I am hoping I got a snicker out of that).

ANYWAY, you are most certainly NOT alone, and your family, (well I don't know them, but your brother telling you to just kill yourself, well, there are just no words for that evil shyt. 20 minutes doesn't do a damn thing to help with counseling either, so I truly understand your frustration, and your sense of hopelessness and thinking that it all should end now....

HOWEVER...

There is something that I thought about while reading your past couple of posts on this thread. I know you do all the self-care, blah, blah, blah, and you go round and round the usual motions, BUT this isolation, where its just you and GOD, where God seems to be the only one who is actively listening, like REALLY listening to what it's in your heart right now, has bells and whistles ringing in my head. Like our PM's about your journey, your experiences as a chaplain, like shook me to my core, and I realized, "If DechanDewa wasn't around to tell me this, to speak to me, to take the time and reach me and give me advice on how to connect to my spirituality gently again, would I have ever been able to find God again?" I mean I did have that epiphany around Valentine's Day, but that was just an isolated incident, for the most part, I feel like I have been abandoned by God, and there was a time when I spoke to Him every day, with a HUGE smile on my face full of hope, and now....nothing.

But you, you reached out to me, you shared with me, you gave me comfort, and taught me some lessons about some things I hadn't even thought about, and don't even get me started on what kind of teary-eyed moments I had knowing that you were always following my posts and threads here on PsychCentral. People like YOU are what REALLY keeps me going, I mean people that are just silently watching over me in their own way, always in the background, like an angel right from Heaven.

Look I know to the outside world, family, friends even mental health professionals you are doing fine, even when you are screaming at the top of your lungs for help and they don't hear you, listen or even try to understand, because you are really good at controlling your emotions. You are judged, tossed aside, and even solicited for your wisdom despite having your own needs ignored. I can't imagine what that feels like, and I won't even try, but what I DO know is, that you REACH people, and you make a difference, even if you feel like you don't, I am TELLING you that you do, because you reached ME.

I am fully aware I am just another blip on the internet, but I hear you, and I am listening.

I don't know, maybe this is your test, your time to surrender and be with God. Maybe this is the path for now, but you are in my thoughts, (and not in the "thoughts and prayers" way) the actual ACITVELY feeling-for-right-now-I-could-jump-though-the-screen-and-hug-you-and-not-let-go-way. And seriously I would, you have no idea.

You are a warrior, like none I have encountered in a long time, and its time to really fight, because I DO want to see you make it to end of 2018, 2019, 2020, and infinity so you outlive me!

Every hour, every minute counts that you hold on, just one step at a time. Just like you were always watching my back all those years, I am here watching yours now, and honestly, there is no way you are getting rid of me.

All I can say is...gorgeous. You can write! Like, wow can you write. Thank you for this. I know you have had your recent trials. I read of them. (I even looked up your Mom's condition on the Internet because I had never heard of it.) I did not know how I wanted to respond because you were so raw in the moment. But, yes, I was there reading your words, as always.
Everything you say here about spirituality rings true for me. I do believe it. As you and I have talked about...that spiritual experience is fluid...and morphs...and we just have to...rest in that. And that part has been working for me and going to church during this Lenten Season has worked. We need to keep this circle of active prayer (and passive prayer, too) going. My dear lady, thank you again for this from my heart.

Aoo' At Spirit Mountain.