Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
Sure, people change slowly, gradually, constantly as you point out. I used to hate tomatoes, now I will eat one for example. But, I think, the essence of our personalities are formed within us and really don’t change.
In my marriage, it was the stress of his job that caused him to withdraw, the anxiety he must have had which he kept to himself regarding me and having a baby, that he took out on me by withdrawing from initiating love making.
Then, his neglect led to my insecurity and frustration. Having to share my sexuality with my mate who hindered it was something too disappointing and difficult to deal with. From there grew my tantrums after years of that struggle didn’t improve.
Other than that, we led a very functional life together. We played traditional roles; he the bread winner, me the wife and mother. I made dinners, holidays, plans, was our ‘social director’. We trusted each other with everything and did not do anything bad to the other.
So, both of us had character from the start, all the way to the end, and beyond, I hope.
When relationships are going well, we don’t feel like we are putting in a lot of effort. They are easy, and they just work.
For you to take a gf, who has shown you she has bad character, and think you can work through that to get her back to the beginning where “she seemed” to be giving you the same effort you were giving her, is not going to work because she has bad character. Maybe you were motivated by loving her, and she was motivated by loving what you do for her!
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Thanks yet again for continuing to read, post, share and empathize.
Evidently, we seem to differ on if change is a possibility for someone and more interrelated, specific topics, which is more than fine, of course. I think that change, depending upon circumstances (as we’ve somewhat mentioned,) can be quick (or not,) simple (or not,) and so on; however, I am trying not to digress (too much.) Even though the topic of “change” is relevant and important in this conversation, I additionally respect and understand your differing perspective(s).
So, is it through communication that you two divulged his withdraw, anxiety and so forth?
For you, without such info divulged to you, it is more than feasible that you would react as you did and be of such questioning as to why that would happen, the source of it and so on.
(My ex girlfriend and I shared a similar trouble with sex when we were in London. I was so stressed about finances, finding an apartment, figuring out if we would be able to afford to stay given the circumstances and so on that my libido was affected. I tried to tell her, but she seemed to reject and dismiss my perspective, feelings and what I told her.
It was as if when we needed to come together, confront issues together, cooperate and resolve issues as a couple, she wanted no part of it. She seemed to only want the “fantasy” of me treating her like a queen as I continually gave and she took as if there were to have been a limitless supply [and more.])
Despite the tragedy, it is magnificent that you two still connect and do well together. Moreover, you two are willing and wanting to connect and do well, which is highly respectable in my humble opinion.
I do not disagree about the “bad character” at all. Moreover, her consciousness seems to be of the following views: “I did not do anything to contribute to the relationship failing. I am not to blame. I am not responsible. I am without guilt. He is to blame. He is responsible. The relationship failing is his fault. He abandoned me.” If the aforesaid view are indeed of her consciousness, she will not change because she has no reason to change.
Another possibility is that she engages in self-deception to the degree of consciously deceiving herself of the aforesaid views, yet she is conscious that they are false; however, if she convinces herself that they are not false, they are not false (and is aware that the are false.)
I think that I should clarify that although I might want and be of the perspective that she has the capacity to change, it is not to the past that I want or am of the perspective for her to change. It is to the present (and future.) With that said, indeed, her behavior would still resemble and, perhaps, even be a continuation of when she “seemed” to be reciprocating love, feelings, willingness and a want to be together and so on.
Haha, I think that you state an excellent observation about my motivation juxtaposed with her motivation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966
Your ex girlfriend was mean to you while being together and is mean to you after. Getting together with mean people in hopes they change to nice and kind people is a waste of time.
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Thank you for posting, reading, and your input. I wish for your to be well.
While I might not entirely agree with your opinion and question if it is “a waste of time,” I understand and respect what you are conveying. I think that it depends upon circumstances to a degree. Moreover, I think that for the most part, I share your perspective. With that said, when there is such investment of feelings, love, desire and so on, it’s not necessarily simple, easy and so forth to not try for change and/or want there to be change.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
The idea behind the personality disorders diagnosis is, if early childhood trauma happened, then one is more likely to develop the disorder.
I did not walk around thinking I was traumatized in my youth at all. I never would have gone to a therapist about any of those events.
But when the trauma blew up in my marriage, the therapists ask my history, and then they make their case for me meeting criteria.
So say your gf has had all these hallmarks, too... does that give her a free pass to act like such a B to you and you will take it? I say ‘no way’.
I want to know why you don’t get angry at her, and would even continue to think about pursuing her. I guess you so liked the woman she seemed to be in the beginning before she started abusing you over money. But, there’s something too naive about you here that is concerning.
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Thank you very much for sharing the aforesaid info. In response to your statement about “a free pass,” indeed I would also say, “no.” She is not excused at all for her actions, behavior and so on. For me, that seems tragic for her that she suffers so and from such a past. If such behavior were changeable, treatable (and so on,) I would entertain being with her, depending upon the circumstances.
You might have already mentioned the following. If so, sorry about that. Did you, yourself, notice your tantrums, did your husband point them out to you, both, neither, or? So, you did not consciously consider that you were, maybe, “Borderline” (as you typed it) until the therapist brought it to your attention?
Oh, I was emotional towards her as in upset, angry and so forth on some days (and during some parts of our history to some degree.) I think that I did not include such content because of what I was choosing to focus on the relationship in general and interrelated topics in earlier posts and the thread in general. I try to exercise reason as I simultaneously am conscious of the attunement of my mood. I think that I am also aware that she would have used my anger against me as just another excuse to mistreat me and point to me as “the source of problem(s).”
After I left the UK and she started to increasingly reveal herself to be so different than how she was, I would tell her that she was using me (for money,) breaking up with me because of money, manipulating me and much, much more. She denied all of it and projected her feelings, actions and so forth unto me. I would tell her that she was dominating and controlling communication, but she would deflect such claims and tell me that I abandoned her, mistreated her and more.
Around Christmas when I was supposed to visit her, but I did not, I told her that she was “selfish and self-centered” after so many instances of her revealing herself to be selfish and self centered to which she replied, “I know the type of person that I am. I am not self-centered, nor selfish.” Additionally, she used my claims against me as if I were saying such a description for the sake of hurting her and so forth.
Around the last of when we were communicating, she would literally lash out if I said anything that she decided that she didn’t like in what I said and/or how I said what ever. Moreover, she’d start flipping out, then blame me for it and claim that I was the one who was flipping out. Subsequently, she’d keep saying, “this isn’t working. This isn’t working. I am trying” and hang up, then reselect the ignore feature on messenger. For her, the act of "trying" was the mere act of calling me whenever she decided to do so as she ignored me, manipulated me, abused me, used me, dated other guys while also having the opinions that I should perform actions for her, even though she was "single, we weren't dating and that she could do whatever she wanted."
After much reading, learning, reflecting and thinking, I honestly think that I have a trauma bond with her. I also seem to exhibit cognitive dissonance in that I love her, want to be her with and so on, yet I simultaneously acknowledge that she used me, manipulated me, abused me and more. Evidently, such aforesaid behavior is a result from (emotionally and/or psychologically) abusive and manipulative relationships. I think that I also still love her, want to be with her and so forth to a degree because of the unverified possibility of change and so on.