Brokenhearted: My Past Relationship and Now (abuse? npd? bpd?) {might be long read}

Thanks again for continuing to read and post. I wish for your weekend to be a most pleasant one.

It seems like change is a possibility, but in order to change, she would need to be open to change, conscious of considering change and her behavior, a willingness to change and so on. With that said, if she is not open, conscious, willing and so on, change will not even probably be a passing thought in her mind.

Thanks for the advice. I still am struggling mightily and am trying to takes steps forward in living my life, healing, recovering and more. The more that I research, reflect and think, I seem to be of the perspective that I am and was not only traumatized (and hurt and so on,) but the extreme level of trauma seems to be high (even extreme) and how extremely traumatized I still am (and have been and hurt and so on.)

Moreover, I still am in love with her, have feelings to be with her and so on, but as stated in multiple posts already, I simultaneously acknowledge that she used me (and, maybe, abused) me, dictated and controlled how she and I communicated and interacted post breakup and more. What was once an intimate and intense bond (of love for me) now seems to be a traumatic bond (that is still intense and intimate.)

As you are more than aware, the act of giving advice is far different from accepting the advice (especially after analyzing if it is indeed advice, helpful and so on.) Additionally, situations like these are not "simple," "easy," and/or or without investments, commitments and so on.

If I may ask, why do you consider yourself "stuck" in the relationship and why do you stay? If you choose to not reply, reply to how ever much of an extent or what ever you choose is more than fine.

Thanks again.

Thank you for asking.

I was good at breaking up before when dating others, but my husband and I married and committed ourselves to each other for life.

Neither of us are toxic people, but the relationship is so toxic, it’s traumatic, and has been for a long, long time.

It was a slow process that snowballed. It is only over the initiation of sexual intimacy. I am the one who gets explosive tantrums. We’ve tried counseling, meds, everything, but we just don’t work together.

Even just this weekend, I was hopefully preparing on Friday to just try to have a good weekend with him. But, the whole thing blew up, as usual, and my husband is now staying elsewhere. We decided to ‘take a break’.

I had no idea I had this explosive traumatized nervous wreck inside me. There were no signs of any of this in the beginning.

And yet, even through this living hell that both he and I have suffered, we remain fair, kind, partners.

It’s just heartbreaking and unfortunate.

I ended up meeting enough criteria for Borderline traits because I had even started smacking myself in the head out of such severe frustration when experiencing this nightmare.

You had questioned if your gf had BPD, NPD. I found this site a few years ago and did so much soul searching and self analysis to try to figure out why this happened and how to stop it.

I NEVER did any manipulative, petty, nervy things like your gf does. I’ve really tried my best and have my heart in the right place. But, I do see evidence of emotional disorder in me.

I hope this helps you.

Again, if you are seeing blazing red flags while dating, really, do yourself a favor and run.

Don’t mention it, especially after all the sharing that I have been doing in attempts to listen to others such as you and request any feedback. As you said, we are here to help, support, suggest and emphasize how ever we might be able to do so.

Just to clarify, the relationship is so toxic and traumatic only in the area of sexual intimacy or in general and sexual intimacy was where the toxicity and trauma originated (or another option?)

May I ask if, in your words, are you aware of what causes you to be in “explosive tantrums” as in what might trigger you, why you choose to and so forth, especially after you stated that you attempted to find out why. Is there more than correlation between the “explosive tantrums” and “Borderline traits?”

Not only are you conscious of disruptions to your relationship, you also both acknowledge you, your responsibility and behavior and try to change you and your behavior to improve yourself and the relationship. I support, empathize and respect you greatly for such acknowledgements and efforts. Moreover, in both your actions and mere consciousness/acknowledgment, you convey a willingness, that you care, and more.

In my humble opinion, there is something beautiful, respectable and loving in that you two are attempting as you are and how you are. As you stated, relationships require two people (and their efforts and so on.)

Also, I apologize for roughly restating my thoughts on the topic of if it is “possible for someone to change” in my two above posts. With that said, would you, maybe, please explain your perspective as to why “a prospective life partner ‘cannot change?’” I think that your thoughts might assist my attempts to learn, heal and further my understanding.

Upon more reflection, research and thinking, I think that there were some red flags while dating her before we moved to London, but I suspended judgment, was not conscious that they were "red flags," ignored them or even a combination of the three aforesaid explanations. With that said, to be accurate, she did not seem to reveal just how she was as a person in general until I was well intimately and intensely in love with her, in London with her, developing an intimate and intense bond with her, a change in my consciousness and my connection with the world (e.g. she is in love with me and reciprocates how I feel for her) and more. Consequently, by then, I was "up for grabs."

I don’t know how to tell my story without writing another 5000 posts, lol.

Yes, our problem is only over intimacy. Every other way, we are great together. That’s why this has been so tragic.

I never thought I had any illness or disorder until this problem with him caused me to seek psychological help and analyze myself.

So it turns out there was lots about me that could be an arguable case for Borderline. I was emotionally abused by my mother. Bullied by kids. My father had a nervous breakdown and died when I was 12. I lost my virginity to a date rape where I must have been slipped drugs, but I hadn’t even thought much about that incident even when it happened. Never told my mother. I had relationships with young men that one could call strange, volatile. My family suffered a trauma surrounding my father’s death and a huge loss of money from his father. My mother is narcissistic and really did/does head numbers on me.

But, honestly, I did not think any of this was unusual. I did not reflect on it, and never would have, if my marriage hadn’t turned traumatic over sex which caused me to start having tantrums.

As a kid and teen and young woman, I did not have emotional problems. I have friends. Boyfriends loved me. No toxicity.

Also, some mild drug use- marijuana. But all my friends partied and it is something I really like. And some of the strange relationships are also related to ‘friends with weed’.

I don’t think I have the black and white thinking. It’s just the opposite for me, everything is gray.

And when I got so exasperated with this marital problem, I started self medicating, and self harming by hitting myself. But I was in my mid 40’s when that started, and I stopped a year ago, never to even have any urge again, because it didn’t do me any good.

I say people can’t change because they don’t.

Look at my struggle with my husband. Neither of us have changed in order to fix it.

People show you who they are. They are what they are. Either accept them as they are or don’t.

We hung in together because we do have deep, caring feelings for each other. We do have really good times together very often. We raised a family together.

My husband has lied to me by promising over and over he really gets it, understands what I want, and will give it to me...but he won’t ever do it. It’s just not in his mind no matter what.

You said something interesting about you formed intense connection of love to your gf. So intense, you are considering battling out trying to change her horrid, loveless behavior!

I don’t feel such intense permanence to people.

Where Borderlines will make frantic attempts to avoid abandonment, I expect it. I love people and enjoy them, but always feel like it’ll end and that’s ok. I have a hard time feeling like something is true, safe, forever. I’m always prepared for the rug to get pulled out from under me. But, instead of clinging to people, maybe I do sabotage the relationship. I think of people as for right now and don’t let myself count on them always being there.

A many thanks for posting what you have. I responded to all three of your posts below. I am very thankful for you to divulge such content.

Though there is tragedy, if you both love each other as you seem to confirm without explicitly confirming, it still seems possible for you two to overcome such a tragedy. I say the aforesaid statement in an attempt to be empathetic and honest about what might be.

Although it might just be an online forum, I wish to e-hug for all that you endured and will still continue to face. You seem awfully strong to preserve through such events, trauma and more.

If I may humbly say, there does seem to be a correlation between past events and trauma therein and the toxicity in the intimacy in your relationship with your husband. It seems like past trauma that was repressed and still is to a degree manifests in a specific act that pertains to the trauma. I won’t add more thoughts, unless you say so, because I do so in an attempt to respect you and your “tragedy” as you phrased it.

Honestly, congratulations for stopping in self-medicating and self-harming. That requires courage and strength in my humble opinion.




To clarify and not nitpick, are you stating that a person can change, but just does not do so?

Even though you type that neither of you have changed, you seemed to have changed, according to your post in both from how you were (and were not) and from what you used to do (and not do.) You might not have changed in every single aspect and changed entirely as in an “entirely different person” or “new person,” but you are no longer self medicating.

Additionally, you changed in becoming aware of your “explosive” tantrums” as you phrased them and are trying to change through attempting to stop, prevent and/or curtail that behavior. What you did and are doing exemplifies introspection, perseverance and (strong) will.

Another example, but I as the focus, was when my ex girlfriend told me right around New Year’s to “stop bringing up the past” and “to move on with her” with her amongst other statements (those were not her exact words but more/less the same message.) So, despite my hurt, lack of understanding in her decisions to breakup and so forth, I decided to stop dwelling on the past.

I changed both how I was (and was not) and what I did (and did not) in interacting with her. Instead of talking with her about how to talk with one another and trying to figure out and decide how to communicate and more, I chose to be like how I was when we were together in general and how I would have been if not for the turmoil and so forth. I spoke lovingly and affectionately to her.

I was extra supportive to her (morally and so forth.) I would send her messages throughout the day to try to cause her to smile, laugh and to maybe rediscover the love between us. Haha, even after I was like that, she still continued as she was (in her behavior and in using me and so on,) which did not result in reconnecting.

I think that change is always a possibility for the average person and the vast majority of people. Whether it is how one is (or is not) and/or what one does (or does not do,) one can change; however, the change might not be simple, easy, quick and so forth.

There might be a massive effort required, how ever much length of time, how ever many increments, how ever many and/or much resources and so on. Change in behavior seems like a tricky one because consciousness of one’s behavior, a willingness to change, exerting the effort and more seem to be necessary for change to be exercised.

With that said, deeply rooted learned behavior might just be that more difficult to change since it is so embedded in the person’s behavior, mind and so on. Additionally, the person is so conditioned to be as s/he is (and is not.)




Haha, yeah, I would not state that I was (or am) trying to change her behavior, but rather, I was of the perspective that she would change her behavior and do so through communication and interaction (with me.) (Now, there is just so much indeterminacy.) Another option for change was “no contact,” but due to aforesaid feelings, perspectives and so forth, I chose to try both communication and interaction with each other as a possible means to foster cooperation, talk through our problems (issues and so on,) reconnect and reconcile.

With that said, as you indicated, I still am battling conflicting feelings and perspectives on trying to have something with her or not, but I don’t think that I will be trying any time soon if I do decide to try.

For me, I would not define it as “permanence” because it is not permanent to me. Life, the present and even the bond to which I was referring are ever constantly changing in my humble opinion. There was a conscious choice on continually exercising my freedom for someone else whom I choose (in doing so I choose not anyone else.)

Additionally, I was constantly choosing to develop feelings, love, a bond that continued to develop through interaction, history and so on. For me, I think that the impermanence is always present because when a person stop’s trying, give’s up, or another action, the relationship is likely to stop as well, but that is not to stay it is will with certainty or cannot continue, be repaired and so forth.

It was my feeling and opinion that not only did she and I share a bond and wanted and willed for that bond (to develop and strengthen,) but we also shared similar or same feelings and perspectives on a willingness and a want to confront issues, problems and so forth together and resolve them with each other because of our love for one another (and so on.)

It’s interesting what you seem to be conveying in your last paragraph because I share similar perspectives with perspectives that you seem to share, but our approaches with the similar or same perspectives differ. For example, I also do not “count someone always being there,” “aware of the rug being pulled out from underneath me” and “questioning if something is safe and forever,” which is why I attempt to be conscious of such possibility and through conscious effort to try to act on what I think I should do and how I feel.

To elaborate, when we were seemingly falling in love with one another, I was aware of the possibility that our relationship could end, but I would do my best to not allow that possibility to occur through acting on my love for her, showing her that I loved her and so on because I loved her, wanted her to be with me and so forth. I was not going to take anything for granted, be passive and so on. Likewise, during that segment in history, she seemed to be doing the same to me and feeling the same as I as well.

Sure, people change slowly, gradually, constantly as you point out. I used to hate tomatoes, now I will eat one for example. But, I think, the essence of our personalities are formed within us and really don’t change.

In my marriage, it was the stress of his job that caused him to withdraw, the anxiety he must have had which he kept to himself regarding me and having a baby, that he took out on me by withdrawing from initiating love making.

Then, his neglect led to my insecurity and frustration. Having to share my sexuality with my mate who hindered it was something too disappointing and difficult to deal with. From there grew my tantrums after years of that struggle didn’t improve.

Other than that, we led a very functional life together. We played traditional roles; he the bread winner, me the wife and mother. I made dinners, holidays, plans, was our ‘social director’. We trusted each other with everything and did not do anything bad to the other.

So, both of us had character from the start, all the way to the end, and beyond, I hope.

When relationships are going well, we don’t feel like we are putting in a lot of effort. They are easy, and they just work.

For you to take a gf, who has shown you she has bad character, and think you can work through that to get her back to the beginning where “she seemed” to be giving you the same effort you were giving her, is not going to work because she has bad character. Maybe you were motivated by loving her, and she was motivated by loving what you do for her!

Your ex girlfriend was mean to you while being together and is mean to you after. Getting together with mean people in hopes they change to nice and kind people is a waste of time.

The idea behind the personality disorders diagnosis is, if early childhood trauma happened, then one is more likely to develop the disorder.

I did not walk around thinking I was traumatized in my youth at all. I never would have gone to a therapist about any of those events.

But when the trauma blew up in my marriage, the therapists ask my history, and then they make their case for me meeting criteria.

So say your gf has had all these hallmarks, too... does that give her a free pass to act like such a B to you and you will take it? I say ‘no way’.

I want to know why you don’t get angry at her, and would even continue to think about pursuing her. I guess you so liked the woman she seemed to be in the beginning before she started abusing you over money. But, there’s something too naive about you here that is concerning.

Thanks yet again for continuing to read, post, share and empathize.

Evidently, we seem to differ on if change is a possibility for someone and more interrelated, specific topics, which is more than fine, of course. I think that change, depending upon circumstances (as we’ve somewhat mentioned,) can be quick (or not,) simple (or not,) and so on; however, I am trying not to digress (too much.) Even though the topic of “change” is relevant and important in this conversation, I additionally respect and understand your differing perspective(s).

So, is it through communication that you two divulged his withdraw, anxiety and so forth?

For you, without such info divulged to you, it is more than feasible that you would react as you did and be of such questioning as to why that would happen, the source of it and so on.

(My ex girlfriend and I shared a similar trouble with sex when we were in London. I was so stressed about finances, finding an apartment, figuring out if we would be able to afford to stay given the circumstances and so on that my libido was affected. I tried to tell her, but she seemed to reject and dismiss my perspective, feelings and what I told her.

It was as if when we needed to come together, confront issues together, cooperate and resolve issues as a couple, she wanted no part of it. She seemed to only want the “fantasy” of me treating her like a queen as I continually gave and she took as if there were to have been a limitless supply [and more.])

Despite the tragedy, it is magnificent that you two still connect and do well together. Moreover, you two are willing and wanting to connect and do well, which is highly respectable in my humble opinion.

I do not disagree about the “bad character” at all. Moreover, her consciousness seems to be of the following views: “I did not do anything to contribute to the relationship failing. I am not to blame. I am not responsible. I am without guilt. He is to blame. He is responsible. The relationship failing is his fault. He abandoned me.” If the aforesaid view are indeed of her consciousness, she will not change because she has no reason to change.

Another possibility is that she engages in self-deception to the degree of consciously deceiving herself of the aforesaid views, yet she is conscious that they are false; however, if she convinces herself that they are not false, they are not false (and is aware that the are false.)

I think that I should clarify that although I might want and be of the perspective that she has the capacity to change, it is not to the past that I want or am of the perspective for her to change. It is to the present (and future.) With that said, indeed, her behavior would still resemble and, perhaps, even be a continuation of when she “seemed” to be reciprocating love, feelings, willingness and a want to be together and so on.

Haha, I think that you state an excellent observation about my motivation juxtaposed with her motivation.




Thank you for posting, reading, and your input. I wish for your to be well.

While I might not entirely agree with your opinion and question if it is “a waste of time,” I understand and respect what you are conveying. I think that it depends upon circumstances to a degree. Moreover, I think that for the most part, I share your perspective. With that said, when there is such investment of feelings, love, desire and so on, it’s not necessarily simple, easy and so forth to not try for change and/or want there to be change.




Thank you very much for sharing the aforesaid info. In response to your statement about “a free pass,” indeed I would also say, “no.” She is not excused at all for her actions, behavior and so on. For me, that seems tragic for her that she suffers so and from such a past. If such behavior were changeable, treatable (and so on,) I would entertain being with her, depending upon the circumstances.

You might have already mentioned the following. If so, sorry about that. Did you, yourself, notice your tantrums, did your husband point them out to you, both, neither, or? So, you did not consciously consider that you were, maybe, “Borderline” (as you typed it) until the therapist brought it to your attention?

Oh, I was emotional towards her as in upset, angry and so forth on some days (and during some parts of our history to some degree.) I think that I did not include such content because of what I was choosing to focus on the relationship in general and interrelated topics in earlier posts and the thread in general. I try to exercise reason as I simultaneously am conscious of the attunement of my mood. I think that I am also aware that she would have used my anger against me as just another excuse to mistreat me and point to me as “the source of problem(s).”

After I left the UK and she started to increasingly reveal herself to be so different than how she was, I would tell her that she was using me (for money,) breaking up with me because of money, manipulating me and much, much more. She denied all of it and projected her feelings, actions and so forth unto me. I would tell her that she was dominating and controlling communication, but she would deflect such claims and tell me that I abandoned her, mistreated her and more.

Around Christmas when I was supposed to visit her, but I did not, I told her that she was “selfish and self-centered” after so many instances of her revealing herself to be selfish and self centered to which she replied, “I know the type of person that I am. I am not self-centered, nor selfish.” Additionally, she used my claims against me as if I were saying such a description for the sake of hurting her and so forth.

Around the last of when we were communicating, she would literally lash out if I said anything that she decided that she didn’t like in what I said and/or how I said what ever. Moreover, she’d start flipping out, then blame me for it and claim that I was the one who was flipping out. Subsequently, she’d keep saying, “this isn’t working. This isn’t working. I am trying” and hang up, then reselect the ignore feature on messenger. For her, the act of "trying" was the mere act of calling me whenever she decided to do so as she ignored me, manipulated me, abused me, used me, dated other guys while also having the opinions that I should perform actions for her, even though she was "single, we weren't dating and that she could do whatever she wanted."

After much reading, learning, reflecting and thinking, I honestly think that I have a trauma bond with her. I also seem to exhibit cognitive dissonance in that I love her, want to be her with and so on, yet I simultaneously acknowledge that she used me, manipulated me, abused me and more. Evidently, such aforesaid behavior is a result from (emotionally and/or psychologically) abusive and manipulative relationships. I think that I also still love her, want to be with her and so forth to a degree because of the unverified possibility of change and so on.