Hi weareallmadhere93. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry your childhood was difficult to understand and still troubles you.

Not sure what it might be but these might be of interest.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recov...an-cope-part-1

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recov...n-cope-part-2/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/childh...he-fatal-flaw/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-ch...relationships/