hello -- I am concerned when you say she throws a fit whenever you have an opinion. That is not healthy behavior. To me, you are shouldering too much of the problems on yourself in this situation.

In a healthy relationship, both partners have equal say and each other's opinions are both heard and respected.

Have you ever looked objectively at your wife's behavior? Have you ever thought that perhaps it's abusive behavior? You deserve far better than that -- far better.

Passive aggressive behavior can be changed, but to me, it seems you adapted to your wife's blow ups in a healthy way -- it was a defense mechanism on your part.

20 years certainly is a long time, I understand, and you have children together. And you say there's love there.

Typically once a mind is made up, it can be hard to change. But she would need to change her own behavior in order for this to work. She needs to see that her blow ups cause you to become passive aggressive towards her. I am sure that deep inside, you feel anger towards her for being this way towards you. Hence, P/A behavior.

Couples counseling would be the next logical step imo, if there is a chance to salvage this, and if she agrees. She may not want to since she's already said she wants it to end. But she would need to first see that her own behaviors contribute to the issues.

Hope this helps and I hope you find peaceful resolution either way. Hugs.