Sorry for the double post. Still new to the forums and didn't realize I could quote multiple people. That makes more sense.
Quote:
Originally Posted by healingme4me
Even if it doesn't lead to physical abuse, the pendulum has already begun to swing towards being disrespected in the relationship.
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I'm aware. He got even madder when I said it was abuse. Obviously, his dad yelled at his mom (which may explain her silence) and although his dad seems very happy go lucky now... you never know. I've experienced his brother calling his own son an idiot, or not to be stupid, or to stop "begging for attention" when the kid just wants his dad to acknowledge him. I didn't think my Fiance could possibly ever be that way. I want him to get help, but his "attachment style" is avoidance. Pure and simple. He did once say he would go to counseling with me, but I think it was just to placate me. I asked him again and he said "I don't think we need it." Of course
we don't - he wins all of the arguments! And what's worse is I'm not trying to win but I know he is. Once he's said what he wants and I stop crying, he's considered it "closed."
Frankly, I'm spending overtime at work to avoid it, too. I just don't know how to approach this but I'm not ready to give up.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by golden_eve
Name calling doesn't always lead to physical abuse -- however, physical abuse is always preceded by verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. So, it is very possible that this could escalate to physical abuse down the road. Abusers start out with more benign types of abuse, see what they can get away with, then they push the envelope even further. Abuse typically escalates or even can begin once they think they "have you", ie, engagement or marriage.
Regardless, name calling is a form of verbal abuse. I would get out now, because the warning signs are there already, flashing in bright neon lights. This will only worsen over time.
And it's not YOU, you don't need to be more understanding whatsoever -- name calling is unacceptable, period.
However, perhaps you are missing some of the early warning signs of possible abuse down the road. I did the same thing for years. Then I started to work with my therapist specifically on detecting early warning signs of an abuser. This helped me tremendously and I finally found a nice guy for once.
If you dealt with abuse as a child in some shape or form, which I did, it is easy to fall into this type of pattern with later romantic relationships because it feels familiar and we may gloss over unacceptable behaviors that then go undetected. As my friend told me, my picker was broken. So you just need to adjust your own picker, ie, how you choose the men you date and get involved with.
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Golden_Eye - I always enjoy your responses. Thank you. And I know you're right. But because of the social situation we are in, it is very hard to just 'get out'. Please don't judge me. He lives with me, across the street from where he works. It's my house. My parents live down the street and see him at work because he works for... well, I don't want to give details here but let's just say he's kind of a "hero" in the community. I know breaking it off would do more than hurt us; he'd lose his job, his home, and... I know you guys don't care because you don't know him, but this is so isolated. He didn't do it before. And no, I wasn't wearing my rose-colored glasses. I mean, what it DOES make me think is that he's lost his love for me and he's fighting it and is mad. Or some other girl is comforting him; not that he's cheated now but he might. He did the weirdest thing. Normally, his phone code and mine are the same but he changed his. I only knew because I grabbed his phone to google something (with him in the room) and then he nearly had a conniption fit. I laughed at him and tried to unlock it and he snatched it back and told me not to do that. But... I've done it before. He said I didn't ask permission (which is true I normally do) and that he changed it to "see how long it would take" before I checked it. Like... behind his back. I only did that once and it was because I have been cheated on almost every time. That part, I fear, is me. I don't know how or why I pick cheaters but I do. Maybe I lead them to cheat? Either way, I could tell our "honeymoon phase" had ended and I was feeling paranoid. I didn't find anything and that made it worse. But now... this... and when I was at his place of work (during a friend's wake) I leaned my head on his shoulder and he got upset and pulled away. I didn't see any female staff watching so I was really confused. But his disinterest in PDA has never been there before. Are the signs right there and I'm just in denial? I hope not...
Quote:
Originally Posted by katydid777
M has the name calling trait, but when he punched the bedroom door I called the cops. Now it is on record, and he knows it!
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He slammed doors once or twice. The second he breaks something we will have a different kind of talk. I highly doubt he will hit me though because he will lose his job. We live across the street from where he works. Trust me... he won't. I bruise like a peach and... I just don't see it happening. Not on purpose. He has slapped me in my sleep but that was an accident. Made my eyes red all day. If he hit me it would be the end of his life (and not because I'd hit back; I would never.)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966
Name calling would be a deal breaker for me.
I’d dare to say that you likely do choose certain type of men. Just because they appear ok in the beginning, it doesn’t mean they are not this way deep inside. Are you seeing a therapist? I’d recommend it so you can explore patterns etc
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I have before, but not about this. I guess it's time for that. Frankly, I talked to him about it being me and he denied that and said I didn't need one. He also said he wouldn't call me names again so we'll see. It's still fresh so I'm not sure I'm ready to see a counselor.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky
I definitely don't think it's you - I think you might just be attracted/attract certain kind of men, although you may not realize it. I suggest to visit a therapist as well  |
In time. For me, I honestly don't have time. Do they have online chats?