Name-calling. What's next?

I'll do a shorter post.

Does name-calling always lead to physical abuse?

It did in a past relationship. I took the ring off, left, and never talked to him again.

Now, it's happening again - and again with a fiancé. Is it me? I try to be understanding and loving. Since he wasn't like this before I don't think I'm "choosing the wrong guys" but just unlucky.

Any advice would help...

You might try looking at it like this: name-calling is abuse. Abuse is bad for our health-regardless of what form the abuse takes. The secret to why this happens to you might be in what you wrote: "I try to be understanding..." Maybe you should stop being so understanding. I have noticed people who are caught in abusive relationships often explain or attempt to 'understand' the bad behavior of their partner. But people need and are entitled to boundaries that keep them safe and emotionally ok.

Have you had counseling? This would be a good topic to discuss with a counselor. Personally, name-calling would be a deal-breaker for me. As to why he is doing it now--wouldn't matter. The fact that he has that sort of behavior inside him that he can pull out and use on me? That would be the end of the relationship for me. I hope this gives you some perspective.

Name calling doesn't always lead to physical abuse -- however, physical abuse is always preceded by verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. So, it is very possible that this could escalate to physical abuse down the road. Abusers start out with more benign types of abuse, see what they can get away with, then they push the envelope even further. Abuse typically escalates or even can begin once they think they "have you", ie, engagement or marriage.

Regardless, name calling is a form of verbal abuse. I would get out now, because the warning signs are there already, flashing in bright neon lights. This will only worsen over time.

And it's not YOU, you don't need to be more understanding whatsoever -- name calling is unacceptable, period.

However, perhaps you are missing some of the early warning signs of possible abuse down the road. I did the same thing for years. Then I started to work with my therapist specifically on detecting early warning signs of an abuser. This helped me tremendously and I finally found a nice guy for once.

If you dealt with abuse as a child in some shape or form, which I did, it is easy to fall into this type of pattern with later romantic relationships because it feels familiar and we may gloss over unacceptable behaviors that then go undetected. As my friend told me, my picker was broken. So you just need to adjust your own picker, ie, how you choose the men you date and get involved with.

M has the name calling trait, but when he punched the bedroom door I called the cops. Now it is on record, and he knows it!

Name calling would be a deal breaker for me.

I’d dare to say that you likely do choose certain type of men. Just because they appear ok in the beginning, it doesn’t mean they are not this way deep inside. Are you seeing a therapist? I’d recommend it so you can explore patterns etc

I definitely don't think it's you - I think you might just be attracted/attract certain kind of men, although you may not realize it. I suggest to visit a therapist as well

Even if it doesn't lead to physical abuse, the pendulum has already begun to swing towards being disrespected in the relationship.

You're right. It's just so weird because he didn't do this before we were engaged. When I tried asking him if he still wanted to get married he got super offended and hurt. I... didn't mean it that way. I simply meant we could still be a couple but not have the pressure of marriage if it was, indeed, pressuring him.

I know it's no excuse, but his work has gotten a LOT harder. So has mine, though. I plan on talking to him tonight about that, actually. I'm not sure he realizes he takes it out on me.

My fear is that I'll waste time being patient and "understanding" and he'll cheat on me. That's what the last guy did because apparently "talking about feelings" made me "such a nag."

I'm oftentimes more emotionally mature than people I date. I think that's what I meant by understanding. Like, that's how he likes to fight. I like to fight by withdrawing and oftentimes people have described that as childish. It's not that if I stayed I'd turn to violence or yell. I just have to remove myself from the situation when someone is screaming their head off at me. It's what I learned as a child...

Sorry for the double post. Still new to the forums and didn't realize I could quote multiple people. That makes more sense.


I'm aware. He got even madder when I said it was abuse. Obviously, his dad yelled at his mom (which may explain her silence) and although his dad seems very happy go lucky now... you never know. I've experienced his brother calling his own son an idiot, or not to be stupid, or to stop "begging for attention" when the kid just wants his dad to acknowledge him. I didn't think my Fiance could possibly ever be that way. I want him to get help, but his "attachment style" is avoidance. Pure and simple. He did once say he would go to counseling with me, but I think it was just to placate me. I asked him again and he said "I don't think we need it." Of course we don't - he wins all of the arguments! And what's worse is I'm not trying to win but I know he is. Once he's said what he wants and I stop crying, he's considered it "closed."

Frankly, I'm spending overtime at work to avoid it, too. I just don't know how to approach this but I'm not ready to give up.
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Golden_Eye - I always enjoy your responses. Thank you. And I know you're right. But because of the social situation we are in, it is very hard to just 'get out'. Please don't judge me. He lives with me, across the street from where he works. It's my house. My parents live down the street and see him at work because he works for... well, I don't want to give details here but let's just say he's kind of a "hero" in the community. I know breaking it off would do more than hurt us; he'd lose his job, his home, and... I know you guys don't care because you don't know him, but this is so isolated. He didn't do it before. And no, I wasn't wearing my rose-colored glasses. I mean, what it DOES make me think is that he's lost his love for me and he's fighting it and is mad. Or some other girl is comforting him; not that he's cheated now but he might. He did the weirdest thing. Normally, his phone code and mine are the same but he changed his. I only knew because I grabbed his phone to google something (with him in the room) and then he nearly had a conniption fit. I laughed at him and tried to unlock it and he snatched it back and told me not to do that. But... I've done it before. He said I didn't ask permission (which is true I normally do) and that he changed it to "see how long it would take" before I checked it. Like... behind his back. I only did that once and it was because I have been cheated on almost every time. That part, I fear, is me. I don't know how or why I pick cheaters but I do. Maybe I lead them to cheat? Either way, I could tell our "honeymoon phase" had ended and I was feeling paranoid. I didn't find anything and that made it worse. But now... this... and when I was at his place of work (during a friend's wake) I leaned my head on his shoulder and he got upset and pulled away. I didn't see any female staff watching so I was really confused. But his disinterest in PDA has never been there before. Are the signs right there and I'm just in denial? I hope not...


He slammed doors once or twice. The second he breaks something we will have a different kind of talk. I highly doubt he will hit me though because he will lose his job. We live across the street from where he works. Trust me... he won't. I bruise like a peach and... I just don't see it happening. Not on purpose. He has slapped me in my sleep but that was an accident. Made my eyes red all day. If he hit me it would be the end of his life (and not because I'd hit back; I would never.)
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I have before, but not about this. I guess it's time for that. Frankly, I talked to him about it being me and he denied that and said I didn't need one. He also said he wouldn't call me names again so we'll see. It's still fresh so I'm not sure I'm ready to see a counselor.

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In time. For me, I honestly don't have time. Do they have online chats?

No one leads anyone to cheat. Decent people leave if they are unhappy. They don’t cheat.

Honestly I don’t think it’s a right reason to stay with a man because otherwise he’d lose his job and place to live. He is a grown man and can find different place to live and work. I am not saying break up tomorrow but your reasoning surprises me. And I’d certainly postpone marriage.

I don’t think it’s your boyfriends place to advice you to see a counselor or not and you don’t really need to be ready. If this relationship falls through you run a risk of third engagement to a wrong guy unless you break this pattern. So I think you might be ready to seek help

I wonder if you tend to rush into commitment? This is second engagement to an abusive man? Not just dating but planning to marry them

I would not judge, never fear. However, I have bolded here in your responses what stood out to me as most concerning. It seems you blame yourself for past guys cheating on you -- you did not cause that - they are at fault for that. And you're looking for reasons and excuses for why he is name calling. Name calling IS abuse... there is no way around that. And once someone abuses, they will abuse again.. and again and again. It escalates from there. He already shows signs of control with his phone. Slamming doors is an act of aggression. And when confronted with abuse, abusers always get angrier.

I agree with Divine on this. Why protect him when he is a grown man and can take care of himself? I took in an abusive, seemingly helpless fiance into my home, and you know what? I regret it all!

He may lose a home temporarily, but isn't your own well being far more important than the man who is calling you nasty names??? You gotta think about why you are being so protective of him and why you are looking for reasons for him doing these things, ie, lost his love for you, when there are zero excuses for that kind of behavior.

I know it may seem really hard and perhaps impossible under the circumstances, but these are warning signs to pay attention to and listen to. He can take care of himself.. you don't need to.

I just re-read my last post and realized it could be coming across a bit strong or too adamant -- I have suffered through many abusive relationships myself. I care about your well-being, and I don't want to see another person get abused, or marry an abusive person, like I almost did.

He is showing signs of it so my own thoughts are, step back, hold off on the marriage/engagement, re-evaluate and sort this through for yourself.

You also are showing signs of an abused person's mentality -- which is to blame oneself for the other person's poor and unacceptable behavior and/or to look for reasons to justify it - this is most common with women who get abused.

None of the name calling is your own fault. None of the past cheating is your own fault.

Did you say you have a therapist you can talk to? I didn't re-read past posts before writing this to see if you have a therapist, but it may help to talk this through with one.

I urge you to look at his behavior and see how unacceptable it is, no matter whether it is new behavior or not. My ex fiance did not show me his abusive alcoholic side while we were long distance. Then, when we lived together, it came out. A lot more of his abusive behavior came out when we lived together.

The name calling should be stopping you in your tracks and have you questioning the possibility of a marriage at this stage.

It is more complicated when someone is living under your roof and seems dependent on you. My fiance had no job and no home. He was homeless when I took him in (he was kicked out of his family's home), and he became homeless when I had had enough and kicked him out too. I didn't care at that point and figured -- he can take care of himself now. I took care of him for four months straight while he abused me.

I just would hate to see the same happen to you. You woudn't have posted if you didn't think something was wrong here.

Please do think about things before rushing in to help him out of a situation he was already in. Your well-being matters the most -- feeling fully loved, adored, appreciated and respected is what should be in the forefront of your mind. That is what true love is -- and it involves respect -- at all times. For me, once someone crosses the lines of disrespect, I cannot even fathom marrying the person. You have to care about yourself and your well-being the most, and you have to have the self-respect to say, this is NOT GOOD for me. This is where your thinking should be -- not whether he can survive without you helping him... you know what I mean?

(((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Besides the fact that he is being abusive, I’d say if he can’t get a place to live and a job without relying on you and your parents, he is no where ready to be married.