I’m afraid that people can see how depleted I am. I noticed from a young age how the emptiness looks on me. It’s visible. No one else looks so sad and sunken with fear in their eyes.

The anxiety is visible. My empty past is visible. I just want to stop holding my body this way or hearing my voice shift when I’m anxious. I wish I knew when to hover and when to not hover. I don’t have any social instincts it seems. It’s not good. My speech is stunted.

I’m the awkward outsider you can see ****ing up and who is gross and no matter how hard I try I don’t know what to do. It’s never good enough.

I’m so ****ed up. I have bad genes.

It’s all fine, I will continue, but it’s NOT okay.

I’m a problem. I have always been a problem child. And I want to die.