Visible emptiness

I’m afraid that people can see how depleted I am. I noticed from a young age how the emptiness looks on me. It’s visible. No one else looks so sad and sunken with fear in their eyes.

The anxiety is visible. My empty past is visible. I just want to stop holding my body this way or hearing my voice shift when I’m anxious. I wish I knew when to hover and when to not hover. I don’t have any social instincts it seems. It’s not good. My speech is stunted.

I’m the awkward outsider you can see ****ing up and who is gross and no matter how hard I try I don’t know what to do. It’s never good enough.

I’m so ****ed up. I have bad genes.

It’s all fine, I will continue, but it’s NOT okay.

I’m a problem. I have always been a problem child. And I want to die.

been there a thousand or more times myself. hugs to you! I hope you pull through this!

Please try and get this book:" Self-Compassion",by Kirstin Neff.
She has website too. I suffered anxiety nearly my whole life,
then I found out I had TRANSFERRED it from when I was child with my parents,to the world at large--damn sure I wasn't
going to carry on doing it a SECOND TIME! Oh,it wasn't an
instant kaboom thing,but the thing that helped me keep pushing,
was my anger at all the years I'd lost,all the humiliations,all the
disrespecting, etc.,etc. It CAN be done,trust me,it CAN.
Also,try and improve self-esteem,here is psychologist who is
known expert on it: Nathaniel Branden,one of his best books is,
"The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem". You are worth making this
effort for self . . .go on--DO IT!
Courage,
BLUEDOVE

Do you have a therapist? If you don't, you might check into one, to see if they might help. I am NOT a Doc, or a Therapist, I worked nursing in a large emerangcy room for many years, so I do have some insight on many things. Just by what you have said, your self esteem needs work on, and a therapist, and Pdoc. can help so much. I just bet you are a beautiful person, inside, and out. For now, just try to take one day, one hour, or even one minute at a time to help you get through this, and can get some help if you don't already have help.