Yesterday I experienced some heavy feelings or emotions. I'm not really sure what they were, where they came from or how to describe. I've been with treatment resistant depression for about 4 years now, I've tried a number of medications, a few different therapists, all of the jargon that they suggest you try changing and improving. I'm at a bit of a loss. I'm in the midst of starting out with a new therapist which is frustrating because it's like starting over again only from a new point in life. It's hard because we're in the 'getting to know each other stage', and that's not what I need right now.

Back to the Emotions. Yesterday's, moment, was somewhat concerning because it felt so incredibly strong, and the more attention I gave it, or the more I tried to sit with it and listen to what it had to say, the more intense it got. I don't see a way forward, I don't see a way out of this pit. It feels like I'm never going to find 'my place' in this world. It's not that I feel that I don't fit in with certain people, or my career, or my family. I don't feel like I belong in this life. I just can't seem to find a fulfilling way to live through each day. I have absolutely no intentions of putting an end to my existence. I just want this to end. I have no reason to feel this way. I can't find meaning behind anything that I feel, and I can't find meaning to life.

I'm worried that psychotherapy is not going to solve anything. Is it time that i tried another anti-depressant? I just don't know. What I felt yesterday, felt more ingrained than anything I have ever felt. Like it is a part of me that I will never be able to change.

Wow.