I'm kind of understanding a lot of this. My issues are different but I keep breaking promises to myself. I do know why you're doing these things, but I do because: 1) they feel good; and 2) to be defiant. Primarily, it's the former by a massive amount. The latter is maybe 5% but in distant past it was probably 95% of my reasonings.
Anyway...
I hope you can find your peace. Could you do these things at home? I know pacing makes me seem even more crazy, but sometimes I do it.