ugh...why do I keep doing what I shouldn't?

I have been having problems falling lately, and falling hard, especially while walking outside for exercise. I don't know the cause yet, but next week, I have doctor's appts. with my pdoc, a neurologist (first time to see her), and as it happens, I had scheduled in May to see my primary care doctor for an annual exam next week. I'll be doing nothing but going to doctors next week...ugh.

I promised my husband I would stop walking for exercise, but it has been driving me crazy not to walk. This morning, I broke that promise and walked for an hour (just over 4 miles). I was OK and didn't fall, but it does seem to me I may also need to see the chiropractor as my right leg seems to have come out of my hip correctly again. They always say it's a "short leg". This is a problem I have had this problem frequently since my pregnancy 10 years ago when I had horrible problems with my sacroileac joint on my right side. I guess if the neurologist can't fix the leg, I might be going to the chiropractor or at least my youngest sister. She has been a stay-at-home mom for over 7 years now, but in college she double-majored in nutrition & physical therapy. She worked awhile with physical therapy, but told me it is hard to do adjustments or the proper massages without the right equipment, especially a table, but sometimes she can do stuff on the floor, like one time when I had terrible neck issues. Maybe the leg being out is causing some of the falling issues.

Now, I feel horrible about breaking my promise to my husband. He was & is still asleep, so I don't have to tell him, but I probably should, I guess? I don't know, what should I do? And why is it I keep doing what I shouldn't like going walking, overspending money, delaying cleaning my office which looks like a hurricane hit it?

I'm kind of understanding a lot of this. My issues are different but I keep breaking promises to myself. I do know why you're doing these things, but I do because: 1) they feel good; and 2) to be defiant. Primarily, it's the former by a massive amount. The latter is maybe 5% but in distant past it was probably 95% of my reasonings.
Anyway...
I hope you can find your peace. Could you do these things at home? I know pacing makes me seem even more crazy, but sometimes I do it.

I feel like I have made good progress in certain areas. But there are two things I just can't seem to stop. I'm hoping as I get on whatever level of medicine will be my "maintenance" dosage I will be better.

Do you have hiking poles? You could use them for walking. People do it around here where I live.

You could try some indoor exercise. I know it’s not the same.

I think you need to be honest with your husband but that’s just my opinion.

Maybe put a post it note on the front door or back door “ no walking”

Remind yourself you have Dr appts coming up and hopefully will find some answers.

I let my husband know. He chewed me out a bit. I did end up seeing a chiropractor today, and he got my hip back in place. Also, my lower back felt tons better afterwards.
I don't have hiking poles. No one walks with those around here; people would look at you like you've lost your mind. The reason for this is that this area of Texas tends to be very flat. I live just outside of Houston in a town called La Porte, which is obviously near to the ocean. Our property isn't oceanside though, and that's good because it's ridden out a few hurricanes. Also, it is so hot and humid, hiking poles would be more a a burden than a help.

I have posted to you earlier this week and at the risk of repeating myself I'm going to say pretty much the same thing. That is, from your posts I believe you have self-destructive issues going on. And when people are engaging in self-destructive behavior they often keep pushing the envelope with people who are close to them...which is another form of being self-destructive.

You are very fortunate to be married to a person who cares enough about you to request that you stop walking until you find out why you've fallen. Many husbands wouldn't pay the least mind to whether their wife was falling, or walking, or not walking, or even if and when she has a doctor's appointment scheduled. I'm wondering why you are, so to speak, "biting the hand that feeds you"? In other words...what is your self-defeating behavior all about? I believe that you need to make wiser choices about some parts of your life. If you cannot make better choices, discussing things with your therapist would be smart.

I will also let you know that I'm not going to reply to any more of your posts until you see the neurologist, because I've said all I have to say about your situation.

I do have a history of self-destructive behavior. I had anorexia in college. When it was really bad, I was exercising (mostly running) 4-5 hours a day. I used to cut, but I stopped that as I know my husband would notice and make me get help. Sometimes, I still feel the urge though. I think right now I am in a bit of a mixed episode...ugh! Sometimes going high, other times depressed and wishing I wouldn't wake up after going to sleep at night. I am under a lot of stress, and of course, self-destructive behavior is my go-to way of dealing with stress. I need to go another way. I love reading but am not able to focus to read. I really like putting together puzzles, but my office is a mess; I can't set up a folding table in there. I would have to shut the door because we have 3 cats, and they would have a ball with a jigsaw puzzle. Right now, I AM working on organizing my office and paring down my books to sell a good amount to the used book store. I own over so many books, I will never be able to read them all in my lifetime. I used to do latch-hook, maybe I should get back into that or try one of those stress coloring books for adults.

With your tendency towards self abuse it’s probably not a good idea for you to do something that makes you fall. Lying to a spouse or loved one is NEVER a good idea.

I’m glad you got your hip back in place but I still think you should see a neurologist. Is there any particular reason you are not?

No, I actually am going to see the neurologist. The appointment is next week Thursday.

I really want to get to the bottom of the falling because one of the things I would like to do for exercise is walking on the beach. I live in a town called La Porte. It is not very big and parts of it are oceanside (not our house though). However, there is a smaller beach (compared to Galveston) that doesn't get as crowded as Galveston and that is kept in much cleaner condition. It is completely free, you don't have to fight to find parking, a low-key place to go. Over the summer, it gets more crowded, but it wouldn't be bad there around dawn. It is only a 10 minute drive away from my house. It would also be something we could do as a family, especially over the summer, if my daughter could wake up early enough. During the day, even on the beach, it is just so hot, and my daughter & I are fair-skinned with blue eyes & blonde hair and sunburn easily.