I've been looking for ways to end my life to night . I couldn't think of anything that would work . Im going to go to bed soon but I just wish I didn't have to wake up .

Does anyone else feel really ashamed of themselves without really knowing why ? That's how I feel. It's strange because I don't feel really sad or tearful . I feel other emotions which are unpleasant but not unbearable yet I really just want to end my life . Nobody would know I feel like this because it doesn't show. If someone came round to visit me I could probably laugh and smile and make jokes with them . Yet as soon as they left if I saw an opportunity to end my life I would take it . I guess it's hard to explain and depression is not straight forward and isn't always only about feeling sad . This is a weird post I know . But it's how I am feeling .