Hello Tired: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I don't know as there is really much of anything I can offer with regard to this. From my perspective it is all something you may need to delve into, at-length & in-depth, with the help of a psychologist or mental health therapist. It's possible, I suppose, you may be diagnosable as having some sort of personality disorder. However, that's just a guess on my part. Mental health diagnosis is a job for mental health professionals.

There are forums, here on PC, related to the various personality disorders. Perhaps reading through, & replying to, some of the posts in these forums may help you to gain some perspective with regard to your situation. Here's a link to the Personality Place forum:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/personality-place/

There are a variety of quizzes & tests you can take here on PC. Here are links to 2 listings of them:

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/personality-tests/

My best wishes to you...